Why does feeling like dying make me think that I've been living?

I couldn't think what to call this post, so I'm going to steal a line from a Town Pants song. Honestly, I'm staring at the computer not sure what to even say. I think everyone around me has a different idea of how I am doing. They are all pretty much convinced that I am doing better than I am because I am choosing not to mention certain behaviors. I think maybe in some ways I am better than I was. My mood is not 100% depressed now. However, I am wondering if maybe my mood is better because my behavior is worse. 

The main behaviors that I am choosing not to tell my therapists (IOP or individual) are the purging and the cutting/burning. My psychiatrist knows some about the self harm but not the bulimia. In my mind, neither is that bad. I am usually only purging once a day and the self harm isn't everyday and isn't that severe compared to what I've done in the past. I'm afraid to mention the bulimia because I don't want my new therapist to insist I need to see someone who specializes in eating disorders.. some people get weird about that. I haven't mentioned the self harm because she already seems concerned about the suicidal thoughts. I am trying to convince her that those aren't new or that severe. She seemed particularly worried when I mentioned the trip in 3 months and how it was overwhelming to think of being alive that long. I couldn't come up with an explanation for that which made sense. 

The behavior that I certainly have not told anyone about is a new form of self harm (well not new.. just not one I have done recently). I might have gotten incredibly triggered last week by something in the book on borderline personality disorder that I was reading. Towards the end of the book there is basically a rating system for suicide attempts.. it ranks them from least severe to most severe with details like type and number or pills and location of cuts. Several other methods are included. I knew I shouldn't read it, but I did. It didn't increase my suicidal thoughts. It did sort of justify the self harm because on the rating scale it would be probably a zero. I started with taking 8 tylenol PM at bedtime.. which felt really bizarre. I spent a couple hours debating if I really needed to go to the restroom and debating if I would be able to walk because I was dizzy when I stood up. The second night I took 4 tylenol and 8 tylenol PM. The goal of this (which I can't really explain) is to see if I can damage my liver between now and when I have my annual physical next week. I wanted something that would show up on the blood tests because that would be proof that I actually did damage. I really don't know why this is so appealing. I am afraid if I tell anyone that they will decide I need to go inpatient. Maybe I need to go inpatient, but for the past year it's been very difficult to justify going without some attempt or a drinking binge or just something to prove I need to be there. The problem is that I think this will escalate. 

So everyone thinks I am doing okay. I do not think I am doing okay. I just have no idea how to communicate this because I don't really want to go inpatient, but I kind of want to be sick enough that I have to. I don't like others telling me I seem better when they have no idea what's going on in my head or in my life. 

I don't know what the point of this was, but I wanted to get it out.