September

 I am probably writing way more often that I should be, but it helps me. I don't even know who is reading this anymore. 

Today's topic is what should have been a neat conversation with my parents about a trip they're planning, but in reality it has some pretty overwhelming implications. I actually already kind of knew about it because I'm observant. I knew my dad was buying tickets for a Cubs game, and then I noticed that the game was at Wrigley. We live in Texas, so obviously this meant some kind of trip would be planned. I did not see when the tickets were for, and I had no idea if the plan was to take me too. 

I am not a baseball fan. I find it at best boring and these days it would probably be very anxiety provoking since I don't handle crowds or noise well. I just didn't know until today if the plan was for me to go to Chicago with them and just not go to the game. They brought it up at lunch, and I kind of wanted to interrupt them and say I knew about the tickets because my dad was taking forever to get to the point, but I decided to be polite and listen. We ended up talking about if there was anything else to do in Chicago that I would enjoy since the game is only interesting to them and my brother. That was all fine, and we discussed the art institute and if there were any plays. I mentioned finding nice places to eat, but it seems pretty obvious that the omnivores are probably picking the restaurants because I sent them 2 cool vegan restaurants that they have no interest in. I also sent my mom a link for an italian beef restaurant (one of the foods they want to eat) that has a vegan beef sandwich. She said she would see if it was where we were going. (This is a tangent but I'm annoyed) I feel like I should get some say in where we eat because I already get stuck eating a lot of veggie burgers because we go to restaurants with no other options for vegetarians. They could at least pick one restaurant for me. That's not the point of this.. 

I think it should be apparent by now that I am not doing so well with the depression (and now the borderline). I still have a lot of suicidal thoughts. I'm just simultaneously thinking of what I want to do and questioning what other people will think my motives are. The book on borderline I am reading talks about how borderline patients are viewed as manipulative, but that that isn't the motive of the self harm or suicidal behavior. In my case, I am really quite miserable a lot of the time. My life is nothing I want it to be, and I have no real control over any of it. I feel trapped living with my parents. I have no car. I have very little money. I truly believe I am not well enough to get a job. Any amount of job stress would probably push me right over the edge. Still, waiting to find out about disability is taking forever, and I've had people question if I should even be waiting for it. Like the psychiatrist who did my assessment for IOP basically told me I shouldn't hope to get disability and shouldn't be waiting and how no one ever gets it and I should look for a job. I wanted to punch the man because it was a really tactless way to approach something that is none of his fucking business. So anyway, it's not about being manipulative, but I know it gets seen that way. 

Well, now I have this plan for a trip in September, and going would require me to be 1) alive and 2) not in the hospital. That's a really big commitment. Now I'm going back and forth in my head about how it would be better to have a suicide attempt now because I'd for sure be out of the hospital by September. It's not a really good place for my thoughts to be. I know that I could either approach this as motivation to get better or as a reason to just say fuck it because being alive 3 more months is overwhelming. I want to cry writing this. 

Things at home aren't good, but I think people (mainly my IOP therapist) think what's going on is no big deal. I complain a lot about my parent's dog, but pretty much everyday I deal with the dog deciding I am not allowed to fucking move. He doesn't bite hard, but he tries to jump on me and bite me if I'm typing (he's asleep at the moment, thank god), if I am just sitting reading, if I try to reach for my glass of water.. my very existence seems to be a problem, and I can't live like this. Then there's my parents arguing and my mom snapping at me for no apparent reason except I guess I said the wrong thing. She snapped at me twice yesterday because I was asking if she needed help making dinner (but she'll also be upset if no one helps her), and I've cried at least the past 2 days over how she snaps at me. This is the house I am stuck in for the foreseeable future. I mean other times my parents are loving, which is why no one seems to understand how bad it can be. Today after lunch, I went shopping with them, and my mom bought me 2 tops. If I bring up the financial problems or not having transportation in IOP, the therapist has questioned why I feel it would be a bad idea to work. I mean if nothing else it would look bad on my resume to lose another job because I tried to kill myself. That's how I lost my last job. So there's no way to really talk about everything and not then have to explain why it's not possible to get out of this situation any time soon. 

Three months is a long time. Oh and i start with a new therapist tomorrow. My mind has been going back and forth between wondering if maybe this person will be better and assuming it will be the same bullshit I have dealt with before. Will she immediately suggest IP? Will she also question why I can't work? Will she immediately want to do a family session as though that will help? 

I don't know. I legitimately have to stop typing because the dog is now awake and staring at me. Not even kidding.