Another mid-binge update on my current insanity

So lately (although my posts are fairly far apart) I tend to post when either half asleep and should be in bed but still awake due to various pills (will address this) or mid-binge.. not sure why. I think my mind wanders as I eat. Clearly, the statement indicates that things aren't going too well.. so yeah.. they're not

I actually have been eating better.. except I would say that I've gone a bit insane. I'm not sure anyone who isn't in my head (or at least a witness to the behavior) would get this when they see me eat.. but I haven't been binging much. I think it was 3 times this past week that I went to Walmart or the grocery store after work.. I think at least once I intended to buy binge food, and I just didn't want anything. So I bought odd things.. I came home with pretzels, laughing cow cheese wedges, and beef jerky.. and energy drinks. There were also the quests.. I went looking for supplies to take lunches to work. I bought a container to take salads (it has a place to hold dressing and an ice pack to keep it cold). I bought dressing and croutons but not lettuce.. I never actually made any salads. I haven't used it. I bought little divided containers (this is one of the insane ones) and came home and at 2AM cooked carrots and weighed them and divided them evenly between 3 containers, so each had the same calories.. the next day I took one to work and had carrots and mustard for dinner. I made the carrots ate 2AM because I had gone to 2 stores looking for hummus because I wanted individual containers because I knew a large container I would either eat too much or let go to waste.. I didn't end up buying any. I ended up buying powdered peanut butter and sugar free jam, which I only finally used yesterday to make oatmeal.. which I went on a quest after work to buy the oatmeal, containers, and chia seeds for.. (an aside, overnight oatmeal with PB2 in it is awesome)

So on the outside, I actually seem to be eating more.. and I'm bringing a packed lunch to work. On a closer look, what I bring might be a bit strange to some people. Like nobody noticed the carrots and mustard, which was good.. that combination has gotten me odd looks in the past (I love mustard and it's slightly less weird than just eating it with a spoon). I've also lost a bit of weight.. about 6-7 pounds this month. I'm down to 140.7 this morning, which finally puts me in the healthy weight range. No longer overweight. The loss has slowed a lot.. it's really frustrating.

I say that but the weird thing is.. and this is also a bit insane.. the past few weeks I've gone to the same store (Nordstrom Rack.. it's like an outlet store) on Thursday before my parent's house.. the last 2 weeks I tried on a few pairs of pants either size 10, 12, or 31 (which is a 12ish?) from the clearance racks.. and it was the same both times. I'd try on one pair and they'd button but be too small (muffin top situation), and I'd try on the next size up or another in the same size but another brand and they'd be big enough that I'd need a belt.. so I didn't buy anything. I went back today and I only tried on one pair of size 10s, and I swear they're the same ones that were too small either last week or two weeks ago.. and they're perfect.. or actually there's even a little room in the waist. The insane bit is the going back every week and trying on pants.. I really wasn't expecting them to fit. I was just going to buy them and add to the other pair that's sitting in my apartment until they fit.. Those are a size 9, so they're still too small. They will fit at some point, hopefully soon.

And on the whole diet pill topic.. not going great either. I noticed my hands shaking a lot lately. I thought it might be blood sugar problems at one point, but I'm eating better now.. so I'm guessing it's all the caffeine/whatever else is in the pills. I also am getting the anxious/tight chest feeling some nights.. and I am just trying to work despite that. It should probably bother me, but I'm more worried that if I stop taking them I won't be able to function and (worse) my metabolism will crash.. like I don't know if they're helping me lose weight, but I'm scared at this point that I'll gain if I stop. I'd honestly rather risk the damage than risk the weight gain and having to lose it all again..

And I'm consistently staying up until 4am and sleeping until noon.. and just generally going crazy and isolating myself until all my social interaction is with coworkers and maybe cashiers if I go shopping. Oh and my sponsor still texts to make sure I'm taking my medication.. I did finally make a meeting once this week.I feel like soon the crazy is going to start showing at work if my head gets worse.. I have actually let a couple people in on some of the anxiety about school (not going to go there now) but I feel like the rest of the crazy is going to show. Or maybe I'll get it under control.