I started writing a whole other post on this and then debated how much of this would actually be ok to post online.. not that I distrust anyone who reads this.. but you know how you hear stories about people getting in trouble for posting stuff about their jobs online.. and so I'm cutting out the details (sorry)
So many mistakes have been happening at work lately.. I'm sure I have posted about some of this, but I probably shouldn't be detailed about the rest. Mainly analysts making errors on reports.. and it can be debated if this is due to actual innocent error or through laziness and not following proper procedure.
Well, now they've decided to change procedure to stop this from happening.. and it has made things hell. It comes down to now we are not allowed to remove any positive results from a report without consulting the head of toxicology.. the idea was for everyone to send her the cases they had questionable data on after it was rerun, and she would consult with them about it. Well, then it was decided that this was going to be too hard.. so only me and the designated rerun person (who is someone different now) during the day are responsible for doing this for EVERYONE's cases.
This ends up being the majority of samples.. I spent all day sending a total of less than 20 of these cases.. and so the lab is behind running things and we are increasingly behind closing things. And I almost started crying about a million times today.
It doesn't help that my supervisor was complaining about how upset he was about the whole thing and at one point asked me (I went to ask him a question) to stay and talk to him since he was upset.. I basically said no. That I was upset enough already.. and proceeded to stand in the stairwell until I could pull myself back together.
It's bad.. and I'm not exactly emotionally well these days. I got off work at 1AM yesterday and went to Walmart. I was trying to buy food and seriously spent 15 minutes at least reading the nutrition facts and staring at sliced apples.. because I wanted the green kind but they didn't come in individual packages.. but at least the sliced ones have a nutrition label on the bag, even if it's multiple servings.. because I couldn't even bring myself to pick up an actual apple. I mean.. I ate gummy bears and pita chips all day at work, but I have this irrational fear of fruit because it isn't packaged and I can't really convince myself I know the calories. I also kept looking at yogurt but couldn't buy that either.. I just know I won't eat them. I didn't actually manage to eat any of the apples today. They're still unopened in the refrigerator.
I also got super defensive because Monday they had pasta for lunch at work, and I spent a minute staring at it while one of my coworkers ate.. she said I should get some, and I said no. I did end up eating some later. But then Tuesday she said something about how I didn't eat it, and I got really defensive about how i do eat, and I did eat it, and I'd be a lot skinnier if I didn't eat. Somehow it came up how much weight I've lost recently, and I was stupid and managed to instantly reply 8 pounds in the past month.. since I had looked it up on FitBit before work. I guess that's probably a lot? not a lot, but not an insignificant loss. I've been drinking a lot of energy drinks at work.. and the little Redline energy shots.. and mentioned the diet pills. I managed not to laugh when a guy there said when he was really concerned about his image he took hydroxycut during college.. because I don't consider that to be a real diet pill. It doesn't have enough weird ingredients, and it doesn't make me crazy to the point where I can't stay sitting down like the mixture of things I'm on now (I'm on Lipo 6 Black these days.. and tri adalean.. and occasionally ephedrine). I don't mean that to sound snobby.. I really don't. I mostly know in my head that there is a "healthy" way to take diet pills.. which is the ones you can buy at any store and taking them at recommended times. Then there's buying stuff online because you don't think the ones in the store are good enough, and taking them whenever the hell I feel like taking one.. which means 1 when I get up, 1 when I get to work, and then probably 2 more whenever I feel tired or if I feel stressed. When I'm stressed, I like to pop a pill.. even if it's 10pm.. which is why I'm staying up until 4.
So I know things are bad. I have seen over the past couple weeks how my mind is going crazier. I'm staring at people eating. I'm spending too long at the grocery store and not buying much (except binge shopping). I'm resorting to taking pills when I'm stressed which in the past has led to some mild overdoses (mild meaning not requiring medical attention but maybe involving some spontaneous vomiting and chest pains). I really am feeling more depressed.. and a tad suicidal.. and very anti social. I saw my sponsor at a meeting saturday, but I'm not calling or texting her. I'm not calling anyone else either. I am seeing friends for dinner tonight, but I mainly am doing that so they won't worry that I keep skipping church on sundays. I'm just tired.
The good thing about being fat (the only good thing) is that people never ask me for my weight. I can tell them how much I've lost, but never my actual weight. My mother, the mite, flings her around like nothing (43 kilos, which is exactly half my weight).
ReplyDeleteI do hope things ease up on the job front. It sounds like too much for two people; hopefully they'll see some sense.