Body image..

My last post started talking a little bit about this whole concept. I'm really struggling with how I see myself these days... and it's not all weight related.

Basically, I hate my skin, I hate how much I weigh, I hate my hair (which keeps falling out), I hate that I look flabby, I hate that I have muscles.. everything. I started thinking about it a lot over the weekend because I went shopping for pants. I spent a lot of time staring in mirrors, and I don't look like myself.. like I can see the weight loss sometimes. Other times I swear I look just as fat as I did a year ago at 220lbs. I am trying to buy clothes that actually fit rather than the baggy stuff I keep buying.

I  have only posted photos a few times.. but I thought I'd post a couple today.

This is from February when I was still around 185. I don't have many pictures of weights higher than that..

And this is today..

Those pants are actually loose now.. I just bought them a couple weeks ago, and they're the smallest size I have (well no I have one smaller pair that I'm not going to wear until I lose a few more pounds).. they fit when I bought them, and a couple weeks before that I had tried them on at the store and they were too tight.

Todays body image obsession is brought on by a guy at work who asked if I had been exercising lately because I was looking more toned. I know that's supposed to be a compliment.. but I think I mostly just got super awkward after he said it. I said I'm trying to tone up my flabby arms.. he asked if I'd lost weight recently. I said yes but I still need to lose a lot more.. I've lost I guess about 35-40lbs since I got this job. I know because I bought my fitbit scale after I started working there in February.

I am really super self conscious about my arms (which I assume are what he was talking about) because they somehow look too fat and flabby and too muscular all at once right now. I am trying to tell myself the flab is really just loose skin.. but that isn't working. Same with my stomach and thighs.

Best I could get to show what I'm talking about... I occasionally think I look thin.. and other times I look obese still. I also think my legs are too muscular as well as too fat.. I don't know. I don't get it.  I am currently about 138, which means I'm technically not overweight anymore. My goal is to lose another 30.. but I think if anyone asks I would say another 20.. because part of me knows that other people wouldn't agree with that goal. I'm losing super slowly these days anyway, which is why I'm surprised those pants are loose.

Now that the guy made that comment.. I'm worried about what I wear at work.. I worry the scrubs show too much of my arms. Most days I wear either tank tops that are meant to be shaping/slimming or shorts/underwear designed to make your stomach smaller because I'm worried that I look fat in my scrubs. Now I think maybe I should wear long sleeves. I really should just have said thank you when he said I looked more toned, but I couldn't seem to take it as a compliment. I'm paranoid about becoming too muscular.. I worry going up and down the stairs 15-20 times at work is going to give me giant thighs.

Again I am rambling.. so I'm going to go to bed.