Random insights before going to bed

This is going to just be randomness.. sorry. Well, not that sorry. Short randomness is probably better than the usual long ramblings.

The first bit has to do with food.. I am considering not eating meat. Well, I have considered this for a long time. In all honesty, I don't eat it much except during binges because I eat odd things the rest of the time. I don't eat actual meals anymore. But it's more of a conscious choice now. I had a small amount of turkey sausage at lunch yesterday, and that's all I've had since Saturday I believe. My memory is terrible. Well no.. I had gummy bears that I had already bought, which have gelatin in them, but I had already bought them so after a long debate I ate them anyway. The thing is I cannot honestly decide if I am doing this because I have a moral issue with eating meat.. there is some truth in that. The truth to that is that I have always had difficulty with the idea that some animals are pets and some animals are food. That some animals are considered sentient and others are not, but there is a very unclear boundary there. And in general there are problems with the food industry. I am not however entirely convinced in that for example I own a cat and could never force my cat to be a vegetarian.. cats are evolved to eat meat. Their teeth are. Their digestive system is designed to process protein and fats not carbs and sugars and fruits and veggies. I mean I feed him dried cat food.. but the idea of vegetarian food for him seems wrong, and if I believe he can eat meat, then why is it wrong that humans can't?
But the debate in my head is more whether or not this is an issue of morals or an excuse to feel guilty about food. Can I make myself feel more guilty about food? Can I eliminate pretty much all fast food restaurants and restaurants I eat at? Can I eliminate a large number of binge foods? Can I have an excuse to not eat the catered food at work? To question ingredients? To not eat candy? Realize I don't cook.. My kitchen is something of a disaster zone. I use the oven and microwave to heat frozen foods and packaged foods. I don't cook. On a usual day, I take to work some sort of snack food (pita chips or cheetos), maybe cheese or yogurt, and some kind of candy.. plus an energy drink and a diet soda. Oh or maybe hummus instead of cheese or yogurt. Basically one healthy item and then junk.. and then when I get home I have more of whatever junk food I have. Or I binge... but this limits the binging.. and it limits the eating at work to mean it's never an option to change my mind and eat whatever is in the fridge there (unless it's salad). It means no picking up Chipotle or a salad at Target on the way (I looked and they all have chicken). See my point? I mean I even see the point. I'm well aware of how this could/probably is the eating disorder. I just can't tell if it's 100% that or 50% that or less.. we'll see.. but for now it seems no meat

The other bit is just random. I have been listening to the book Wasted as an audio book off and on for a month or so.. I've read it a million times (well maybe 10 at least) before over the years, so it's not new.. but I heard something last night that struck me. There's this bit when she's working in D.C.
"Diagnostically speaking, I'm manic. If I'm not busy, I start wondering what's wrong with me. I start feeling lazy, and I search for something to do. I do not have an off switch. But while I was in Washington, this became extreme. The activity was desperate. And I still can't tell, in retrospect, whether it was a desperate attempt to stay busy enough to keep myself alive, or an attempt to work myself to death. I became became very afraid of sleep, and of stillness"
It just sounds like me lately.. and I was reading about diet pills last night and how they can in those with bipolar make manic symptoms worse.. and there is something like mania to how I've been working lately. The desperation to it. I feel lazy. I feel slow. I am convinced I am not getting anything done.. and I'm working at least 10 hours a day 5 days a week. Someone in the lab snitched on me to my supervisor.. well not really.. but told him I was still there at 1am. He said something about me being there late. I said I never leave before midnight. He said she said it was after 1. I said I pretty much never leave before 1am anymore. He said I need to stop doing it. I said he was just saying it's a problem how far behind my area of work is (the reruns) and we need to catch up and not fall behind.
But I feel a bit suicidal at times... and it's when I'm not working. It's when I'm at home (and not sleeping). It's when I am still and stop and think about life and school. And I don't always want to exist. I cried last night listening to the book. And I am starting to cry now. This is how stillness feels. Sleep I'm ok with.. it's the rest of the time. I did stop taking my mood stabilizer for about a week. I'm taking it now. Maybe that's part of it too.. coupled with the caffeine. My current psychiatrist didn't buy into the bipolar diagnosis from one of my last inpatient stays, but off my meds I can definitely go quite crazy and not just with sadness. But on that note I am going to bed. Tonight the network went down at work right after midnight, so I couldn't work anymore... there was a little relief and a LOT of guilt over what I was leaving, but there is always guilt whenever I leave.