Eating disorder vs logic

I originally intended to write a post titled eating disorder logic, but I changed the title since the point was to talk about the contradiction in that phrase.. eating disorder logic. One thing I can say is true now vs 8 years ago when I was in treatment for the first time is that I see a lot more of the illogical thinking than I did then. I am not going to claim I see all of it.

So I'll get to what brought this topic up in a minute. There's a lot of illogical thinking when it comes to food choices. I mentioned last time that the majority of what I eat is "junk food." Part of this has to do with how hard it is for me to buy other foods.. Some examples..
Yogurt: I cannot convinced myself to buy yogurt with more than 110-120 calories and it has to be nonfat. It also needs to not have a lot of sugar, but I am not sure what the limit on sugar is. I just pick them up and stare at them generally and put them back. If it's 100 calories or less, I can generally buy it. A lot of times though yogurt just sits in my fridge until it expires though because I'm still embarrassed to eat it.
Granola bars have to be less than 120 calories, but have at least 3g of fiber and 2 of protein.. if they're more calories they have to have more fiber and protein. They also can't have more than 2-3g of fat.

Fruit.. I have yet to get over my fear of fruit. I don't know why. This dates back to when my eating disorder started. I didn't own a food scale then, and it freaked me out not to be able to calculate the calories in fruit since it comes in all sizes and shapes. I stopped eating it until I went into treatment. Then I only ate it when I had to, and I have gone through phases since where I stop eating it again. It also kinda applies to some vegetables, but those mostly have other problems. But I bought sliced apples a week or so ago, and I haven't touched them.. oops.

Ok then there's the problem that I am embarrassed to be seen eating "meals" because in my mind I am too fat to eat meals. This mainly applies to anything that has to be eaten with a fork or spoon.. so no soups, rice, beans, basically anything cooked.. no frozen meals or anything where I have to be seen using the microwave (I did finally break that rule yesterday). At home I can eat them, but I can't do it at work. The only thing I can eat that requires a fork is salads, and that is still a challenge.

The illogical part in this is that I am more scared to buy yogurt or fruit than to buy pita chips and cheetos. I can be seen eating cheetos or cereal at work but not a lean cuisine or a sandwich or something.

I actually kinda joked about it yesterday (but nobody I think has any idea that I have an eating disorder yet) when two guys were talking about losing weight and eating brown rice and vegetables.. one of the bosses basically doesn't eat bread or most carbs. Anyway, I said I just eat a calorie controlled amount of cheetos, but that's actually true. I lost a lot of weight by either 1. purging 2. fasting 3. eating limited amounts of unhealthy food. But whatever...

I am making progress. I mean I have eaten yogurt recently and cheese. I did use the microwave at work to heat up some frozen quinoa thing. But this progress may end up meaning eating less, which I'm happy with.

What brought this up.. (this is a bit TMI) is a poor choice I made yesterday. So when I was first sick 8-9 years ago, in addition to restricting and throwing up most of what I ate, I abused laxatives. I was taking 8-10 everyday.. actually a lot more some days. I think the max I remember was 18. My body was dependent on them. I was abusing diuretics as well and diet pills. I stopped all of that when I was in treatment (with a few slips). Since then, I have avoided laxatives.. the stimulant ones at least. And my body does NOT respond well to them. I can't even handle a single pill now. But recently my digestion has been screwed up for some reason. Terrible gas and bloating and constipation. That's been going on for weeks, and I don't know why. I tried probiotics. I tried digestive enzyme supplements for a few days. I drink water and take fiber supplements. I tried the magnesium based laxatives, and that did little, so knowing full well it was a bad idea I took a laxative last night. Some bisacodyl based kind, which also expired in January (not sure if that is relevant). I took a single pill, and I have been miserable today. It certainly worked, but I've also had stomach cramps and diarrhea all evening. I went to Target on the way home from my parents house and thought I was going to pass out. I was standing reading the ingredients on fruit snacks (to see if they had gelatin in them) and my vision was kinda blurry because I guess I was dehydrated? Like really? The thing is I knew this would happen. It happens every time I take one. My body over reacts. Maybe it's because I used them for so long.

Oh and I felt like I was going to pass out.. but I still felt like I needed to buy binge food. That's just what I do on Thursdays. So I still walked around until I found a sufficient amount of food.