Antisocial

I keep thinking of writing and then not knowing what to say... things have been weird lately, and I by weird I probably mean bad. I have this vague sense that something bad is going on (besides the obvious behaviors) or bad is going to happen lately. It's hard to explain

My life is centered around work, sleep, and food these days.. pretty much entirely. Last week instead of working 8 hour shifts.. I worked 10-12 hours. Things are still a mess at work. We are/were very behind because of the plan they made to not allow anyone to take results off reports. This lasted 2 days, and it put as 4-5 days behind. We are still not caught up. They changed the policy at first to only certain people (myself included) could make the decisions about reports.. now I'm actually not sure the policy.. My supervisor was out all of last week on a trip, and that meant I spent most nights answering lots of questions. Also, some analysts decided to complain about him and how much of a jerk he is to all of us.. I was there for part of this, but I didn't go alone to speak to the boss.. I have this fear that this would just make everything worse. My supervisor already thinks it's acceptable for me to work for 2 hours more after everyone goes home.. and he snaps at me sometimes when I ask questions.. and I act like it doesn't bother me. It does. I just tolerate it rather than dealing with it.

But yes.. I didn't leave work before 1am all last week pretty much.. one day I was there until 3. I'd go downstairs to get things and people would ask why I was still there and look surprised.. actually they've stopped acting surprised to see me that late now. There is just occasionally a tone of concern about me still being there after 10-11 hours. Oh well.

Because I'm working that late, I am not going to be until 4 or 5am.. sleeping until at least noon.. and pretty much just getting up and going back to work. Usually stopping on the way for an energy drink and snacks. I am getting fat again because I am eating more at work. Well.. I don't know. I've gained a few pounds.. I went from 137 to 142, and then back to 139 again.. So I have no idea. I've been binging and purging the past several days, and that is probably part of that. The day I was 142 I also felt puffy and gross and was probably retaining water. That was after the night I purged 3 times.

What's weird is.. I bought a pair of pants a couple weeks ago. They're a size 10 (US size) and they fit when I bought them.. and I can no put them on/take them off without unbuttoning them. I told myself they must have stretched out, but I've only worn them a couple times.. I went shopping Saturday, and I tried on a couple other pairs of pants that were a size 10.. and at least one was loose. I feel like I look different.. like I almost don't look like myself. But I've gained weight, so I don't know. It doesn't really matter though. I still have another 20 pounds I need to lose at least.

I've gotten really antisocial the past couple weeks.. I haven't called my sponsor in.. I don't know.. a while. I went to a meeting Saturday after a couple weeks without one. I just don't want to talk to people. I feel like they're looking at me weird.. like people can tell I'm acting weird. At work, I always feel like the daytime supervisor is looking at me like I'm strange. I worry it's how I look.. I've started wearing makeup because I hate my skin.. I don't like looking at myself. A woman at AA who I hadn't seen in a long time started telling me how wonderful I look on Saturday (the weight loss I assume). A friend and I went to lunch after and she said she wanted to punch that woman.. and I don't know if that's just because I am not losing weight in a healthy way.. or does she think I've lost too much? That can't be true. I wonder if I look sick or just tired. I think it was sunday that the daytime supervisor told me I looked tired.. I thought I heard her talking to my supervisor later and all I heard from the conversation was "Works until 1am sometimes if it's necessary." I wonder if she said something about me.. because he's certainly never worked past 1. I wonder if he was trying to justify how much I work.. I mean I sent her (the daytime one) an email at 1:30am from work one day.. so she knows I was still there.

So yeah.. I am avoiding people. I am increasingly preoccupied with how they act around me. I think I am trying to read their minds.. not literally.. but I can't ask why they're looking at me like they are without sounding crazy. I am preoccupied with a lot. I feel like I'm getting worse but can't explain why I think that.. other than the binging and purging.. or maybe the new diet pills. I do feel like if I keep working like this I will have a breakdown. I'm tired... but there's so much work. I feel like I'm getting nothing done.. I worry that's what they talk about at work.. that I'm not doing enough. I stay late because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. The paranoia is probably not healthy.

So yes... going a bit crazy. I know I need to call my sponsor.. but I can't. I don't know what to say.. I think I'm just going to be silent on the phone and that will be awkward. I could text her, but I don't know what to say then either. I want to apologize for not calling.. but I don't know if that's appropriate.. and it seems to imply that i will start calling. I did have lunch with a friend Saturday and went shopping. That was ok. I've been skipping church because I'm tired and dizzy on sunday mornings after staying up most Saturdays binging/purging and not going to bed until 3am.. and I am anxious about going and have some paranoia about church as well.. I wish I could just stay at home for a few days alone. I wish I could work without speaking to anyone sometimes. That would probably just make this worse.

I'm rambling.. so I'll stop now. I hope some of this made sense.