Body image..

My last post started talking a little bit about this whole concept. I'm really struggling with how I see myself these days... and it's not all weight related.

Basically, I hate my skin, I hate how much I weigh, I hate my hair (which keeps falling out), I hate that I look flabby, I hate that I have muscles.. everything. I started thinking about it a lot over the weekend because I went shopping for pants. I spent a lot of time staring in mirrors, and I don't look like myself.. like I can see the weight loss sometimes. Other times I swear I look just as fat as I did a year ago at 220lbs. I am trying to buy clothes that actually fit rather than the baggy stuff I keep buying.

I  have only posted photos a few times.. but I thought I'd post a couple today.

This is from February when I was still around 185. I don't have many pictures of weights higher than that..

And this is today..

Those pants are actually loose now.. I just bought them a couple weeks ago, and they're the smallest size I have (well no I have one smaller pair that I'm not going to wear until I lose a few more pounds).. they fit when I bought them, and a couple weeks before that I had tried them on at the store and they were too tight.

Todays body image obsession is brought on by a guy at work who asked if I had been exercising lately because I was looking more toned. I know that's supposed to be a compliment.. but I think I mostly just got super awkward after he said it. I said I'm trying to tone up my flabby arms.. he asked if I'd lost weight recently. I said yes but I still need to lose a lot more.. I've lost I guess about 35-40lbs since I got this job. I know because I bought my fitbit scale after I started working there in February.

I am really super self conscious about my arms (which I assume are what he was talking about) because they somehow look too fat and flabby and too muscular all at once right now. I am trying to tell myself the flab is really just loose skin.. but that isn't working. Same with my stomach and thighs.

Best I could get to show what I'm talking about... I occasionally think I look thin.. and other times I look obese still. I also think my legs are too muscular as well as too fat.. I don't know. I don't get it.  I am currently about 138, which means I'm technically not overweight anymore. My goal is to lose another 30.. but I think if anyone asks I would say another 20.. because part of me knows that other people wouldn't agree with that goal. I'm losing super slowly these days anyway, which is why I'm surprised those pants are loose.

Now that the guy made that comment.. I'm worried about what I wear at work.. I worry the scrubs show too much of my arms. Most days I wear either tank tops that are meant to be shaping/slimming or shorts/underwear designed to make your stomach smaller because I'm worried that I look fat in my scrubs. Now I think maybe I should wear long sleeves. I really should just have said thank you when he said I looked more toned, but I couldn't seem to take it as a compliment. I'm paranoid about becoming too muscular.. I worry going up and down the stairs 15-20 times at work is going to give me giant thighs.

Again I am rambling.. so I'm going to go to bed.

Antisocial

I keep thinking of writing and then not knowing what to say... things have been weird lately, and I by weird I probably mean bad. I have this vague sense that something bad is going on (besides the obvious behaviors) or bad is going to happen lately. It's hard to explain

My life is centered around work, sleep, and food these days.. pretty much entirely. Last week instead of working 8 hour shifts.. I worked 10-12 hours. Things are still a mess at work. We are/were very behind because of the plan they made to not allow anyone to take results off reports. This lasted 2 days, and it put as 4-5 days behind. We are still not caught up. They changed the policy at first to only certain people (myself included) could make the decisions about reports.. now I'm actually not sure the policy.. My supervisor was out all of last week on a trip, and that meant I spent most nights answering lots of questions. Also, some analysts decided to complain about him and how much of a jerk he is to all of us.. I was there for part of this, but I didn't go alone to speak to the boss.. I have this fear that this would just make everything worse. My supervisor already thinks it's acceptable for me to work for 2 hours more after everyone goes home.. and he snaps at me sometimes when I ask questions.. and I act like it doesn't bother me. It does. I just tolerate it rather than dealing with it.

But yes.. I didn't leave work before 1am all last week pretty much.. one day I was there until 3. I'd go downstairs to get things and people would ask why I was still there and look surprised.. actually they've stopped acting surprised to see me that late now. There is just occasionally a tone of concern about me still being there after 10-11 hours. Oh well.

Because I'm working that late, I am not going to be until 4 or 5am.. sleeping until at least noon.. and pretty much just getting up and going back to work. Usually stopping on the way for an energy drink and snacks. I am getting fat again because I am eating more at work. Well.. I don't know. I've gained a few pounds.. I went from 137 to 142, and then back to 139 again.. So I have no idea. I've been binging and purging the past several days, and that is probably part of that. The day I was 142 I also felt puffy and gross and was probably retaining water. That was after the night I purged 3 times.

What's weird is.. I bought a pair of pants a couple weeks ago. They're a size 10 (US size) and they fit when I bought them.. and I can no put them on/take them off without unbuttoning them. I told myself they must have stretched out, but I've only worn them a couple times.. I went shopping Saturday, and I tried on a couple other pairs of pants that were a size 10.. and at least one was loose. I feel like I look different.. like I almost don't look like myself. But I've gained weight, so I don't know. It doesn't really matter though. I still have another 20 pounds I need to lose at least.

I've gotten really antisocial the past couple weeks.. I haven't called my sponsor in.. I don't know.. a while. I went to a meeting Saturday after a couple weeks without one. I just don't want to talk to people. I feel like they're looking at me weird.. like people can tell I'm acting weird. At work, I always feel like the daytime supervisor is looking at me like I'm strange. I worry it's how I look.. I've started wearing makeup because I hate my skin.. I don't like looking at myself. A woman at AA who I hadn't seen in a long time started telling me how wonderful I look on Saturday (the weight loss I assume). A friend and I went to lunch after and she said she wanted to punch that woman.. and I don't know if that's just because I am not losing weight in a healthy way.. or does she think I've lost too much? That can't be true. I wonder if I look sick or just tired. I think it was sunday that the daytime supervisor told me I looked tired.. I thought I heard her talking to my supervisor later and all I heard from the conversation was "Works until 1am sometimes if it's necessary." I wonder if she said something about me.. because he's certainly never worked past 1. I wonder if he was trying to justify how much I work.. I mean I sent her (the daytime one) an email at 1:30am from work one day.. so she knows I was still there.

So yeah.. I am avoiding people. I am increasingly preoccupied with how they act around me. I think I am trying to read their minds.. not literally.. but I can't ask why they're looking at me like they are without sounding crazy. I am preoccupied with a lot. I feel like I'm getting worse but can't explain why I think that.. other than the binging and purging.. or maybe the new diet pills. I do feel like if I keep working like this I will have a breakdown. I'm tired... but there's so much work. I feel like I'm getting nothing done.. I worry that's what they talk about at work.. that I'm not doing enough. I stay late because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. The paranoia is probably not healthy.

So yes... going a bit crazy. I know I need to call my sponsor.. but I can't. I don't know what to say.. I think I'm just going to be silent on the phone and that will be awkward. I could text her, but I don't know what to say then either. I want to apologize for not calling.. but I don't know if that's appropriate.. and it seems to imply that i will start calling. I did have lunch with a friend Saturday and went shopping. That was ok. I've been skipping church because I'm tired and dizzy on sunday mornings after staying up most Saturdays binging/purging and not going to bed until 3am.. and I am anxious about going and have some paranoia about church as well.. I wish I could just stay at home for a few days alone. I wish I could work without speaking to anyone sometimes. That would probably just make this worse.

I'm rambling.. so I'll stop now. I hope some of this made sense.  

Miserable day at work (attempt 2)

I started writing a whole other post on this and then debated how much of this would actually be ok to post online.. not that I distrust anyone who reads this.. but you know how you hear stories about people getting in trouble for posting stuff about their jobs online.. and so I'm cutting out the details (sorry)

So many mistakes have been happening at work lately.. I'm sure I have posted about some of this, but I probably shouldn't be detailed about the rest. Mainly analysts making errors on reports.. and it can be debated if this is due to actual innocent error or through laziness and not following proper procedure.
Well, now they've decided to change procedure to stop this from happening.. and it has made things hell. It comes down to now we are not allowed to remove any positive results from a report without consulting the head of toxicology.. the idea was for everyone to send her the cases they had questionable data on after it was rerun, and she would consult with them about it. Well, then it was decided that this was going to be too hard.. so only me and the designated rerun person (who is someone different now) during the day are responsible for doing this for EVERYONE's cases.
This ends up being the majority of samples.. I spent all day sending a total of less than 20 of these cases.. and so the lab is behind running things and we are increasingly behind closing things. And I almost started crying about a million times today.
It doesn't help that my supervisor was complaining about how upset he was about the whole thing and at one point asked me (I went to ask him a question) to stay and talk to him since he was upset.. I basically said no. That I was upset enough already.. and proceeded to stand in the stairwell until I could pull myself back together.

It's bad.. and I'm not exactly emotionally well these days. I got off work at 1AM yesterday and went to Walmart. I was trying to buy food and seriously spent 15 minutes at least reading the nutrition facts and staring at sliced apples.. because I wanted the green kind but they didn't come in individual packages.. but at least the sliced ones have a nutrition label on the bag, even if it's multiple servings.. because I couldn't even bring myself to pick up an actual apple. I mean.. I ate gummy bears and pita chips all day at work, but I have this irrational fear of fruit because it isn't packaged and I can't really convince myself I know the calories. I also kept looking at yogurt but couldn't buy that either.. I just know I won't eat them. I didn't actually manage to eat any of the apples today. They're still unopened in the refrigerator.
I also got super defensive because Monday they had pasta for lunch at work, and I spent a minute staring at it while one of my coworkers ate.. she said I should get some, and I said no. I did end up eating some later. But then Tuesday she said something about how I didn't eat it, and I got really defensive about how i do eat, and I did eat it, and I'd be a lot skinnier if I didn't eat. Somehow it came up how much weight I've lost recently, and I was stupid and managed to instantly reply 8 pounds in the past month.. since I had looked it up on FitBit before work. I guess that's probably a lot? not a lot, but not an insignificant loss. I've been drinking a lot of energy drinks at work.. and the little Redline energy shots.. and mentioned the diet pills. I managed not to laugh when a guy there said when he was really concerned about his image he took hydroxycut during college.. because I don't consider that to be a real diet pill. It doesn't have enough weird ingredients, and it doesn't make me crazy to the point where I can't stay sitting down like the mixture of things I'm on now (I'm on Lipo 6 Black these days.. and tri adalean.. and occasionally ephedrine). I don't mean that to sound snobby.. I really don't. I mostly know in my head that there is a "healthy" way to take diet pills.. which is the ones you can buy at any store and taking them at recommended times. Then there's buying stuff online because you don't think the ones in the store are good enough, and taking them whenever the hell I feel like taking one.. which means 1 when I get up, 1 when I get to work, and then probably 2 more whenever I feel tired or if I feel stressed. When I'm stressed, I like to pop a pill.. even if it's 10pm.. which is why I'm staying up until 4.

So I know things are bad. I have seen over the past couple weeks how my mind is going crazier. I'm staring at people eating. I'm spending too long at the grocery store and not buying much (except binge shopping). I'm resorting to taking pills when I'm stressed which in the past has led to some mild overdoses (mild meaning not requiring medical attention but maybe involving some spontaneous vomiting and chest pains). I really am feeling more depressed.. and a tad suicidal.. and very anti social. I saw my sponsor at a meeting saturday, but I'm not calling or texting her. I'm not calling anyone else either. I am seeing friends for dinner tonight, but I mainly am doing that so they won't worry that I keep skipping church on sundays. I'm just tired.