"I hope you don't kill yourself"

Well, I am back at my parents house. I am still unsure what I am doing. They still haven't really said anything about me getting kicked out of rehab. My mom doesn't seem obviously angry, so I am hoping they understand that I was kicked out for depression not for being stubborn or non compliant.

I called another rehab yesterday. The person on the phone said that insurance is not likely to pay for residential since I am sober, but I set up the assessment.

I went today. I initially didn't mention last week's behavior when asked about suicide attempts. I just mentioned the thoughts. I finally at least mentioned the shoelace. I didn't mention the belt. The counselor said he would recommend residential, but that he needed to talk to his supervisor based on the recent suicidal thoughts.

He came back and said because of the eating disorder and suicidal thoughts he would have to recommend a different facility. He said insurance may not cover any chemical dependency program because I am 13 days sober. He said the other option is a psychiatric hospital I have been to several times. Then he said "I hope you don't kill yourself" and I must have some purpose in the world or something like that.

Is it just me or is "I hope you don't kill yourself" a weird thing to say to someone after turning them away from a treatment center?

So I guess tomorrow I will try the other place. I honestly don't want to go back there. It's the place where I managed to self harm quite a bit, but I have some bad memory associated with every psych ward at this point. I just don't think my parents will let me go home without going somewhere.

The thing that bothers me is that I am not suicidal now. I don't know if I need inpatient. I might end up that way if I go home. I might drink if I go home. But right now I am ok. So I feel ridiculous going inpatient. I guess I will see what they say. I mean so far nobody seems too convinced by my "I wasn't trying to die" defense for last week's behavior.

So tomorrow I will re-pack my bag with psych ward appropriate clothes and call the facility. It's also the place where the cafeteria woman kept giving me grief about how the dietitian (who I never spoke to) didn't put in my chart that I was vegetarian and acting like I was trying to pull something. I stopped going to meals eventually. Hopefully, she doesn't still work there. I probably won't update if I get admitted. I will if I don't.

Belts and shoelaces

I have had an eventful week. Not in a good way..
So I went to detox June 13th. The detox unit had no therapy and no psychiatrist. Basically we sat around watching TV or in my case reading in my bedroom. The depression was terrible. The eating disorder was terrible. I was there 6 days.

Monday, I got to residential. It was overwhelming from the moment I arrived. I was already having suicidal thoughts at detox. There they removed anything with cords from the room after I mentioned considering strangling myself. My roommate convinced me to tell someone at residential I was still suicidal. I talked to a counselor and he ended up sending me to this 24 hour observation unit, where you basically sit in a recliner in a room where nurses watch you. Then you talk to a psychiatrist via video/phone/Skype like whatever. He put me on Zoloft.

I went back to residential. I really did my best to be honest and do what I was told. The depression and suicidal thoughts kept getting worse. I started obsessing over ways to do it. I had no intention of dying. I just wanted to know what would work.

Wednesday, I tried to choke myself with a belt. I decided that I couldn't pull it tight enough. I told my counselor and had to sign a contract saying I wouldn't try to kill myself.

Thursday, I figured out a way to hang myself with the belt. I told some other patients who insisted I talk to staff. I did have to talk to the on call counselor. He believed that I didn't really intend to kill myself.

Friday, I did my best to not be alone.

Saturday, I spent a couple hours just lying in bed unable to nap. The thoughts wouldn't go away. This time I tried using a shoelace. Unfortunately, it tightened faster than expected and left an obvious mark on my neck. My roommate saw and said if I didn't tell, she would.

Well, I was sent for observation again. This time I was told that I would have to convince the team that I would do things differently if allowed back. I called today and nobody bothered to call back even though they said they would. However, they dropped off my suitcase with all my stuff, which I took to mean that I wasn't going back.

I called my parents to see if they would come get me. I know that I need either residential or inpatient, but I would rather go closer to home and not 7 hours away. I spent the day reading and waiting.

My parents haven't really said anything since they picked me up. I know the ranch called them. On the phone, my mom said they told them that I shouldn't go home or stay with them. They said I need residential. If it comes up, I plan to explain that I did what I was told, I complied with my meds, I went to group, so it is not my fault that my depression got so bad that the suicidal thoughts were constant.

I don't know the plan. I can try another rehab, but after what they may view as 3 suicide attempts (although I argue that they were just an experiment) in a week, I am not sure they will take me. I am considering a psych ward to get the depression under control. I would rather do that and then AA. My parents may not agree, but it's my life.

I may or may not write again before I go. We are staying in the town where I was in treatment and driving home tomorrow. That gives me time to think it over.

12 days sober though

Goodbye for now. Wish me luck

It's official. I am going to The Ranch at Dove Tree tomorrow night. I don't remember if I updated why I couldn't go today. Friday my insurance was active again, so I called to arrange to go in today. Well, I got a call from someone about insurance and cost. He basically said insurance isn't likely to cover the whole stay, so it would probably cost me at least $3,000. Obviously, that's not an option with me not having a job. He said he would look into options and call back. Friday I did not get a call.

Today, I got a call from the other woman I have been dealing with. I mentioned this issue and she transferred me to talk to the other guy. He basically said I have to pay something, but I can fill out a financial hardship form and they will write off the rest of the cost. So I agreed to pay $500, which is better than $3000. I honestly expect insurance will cover more than he predicts given the liver damage, the many failed attempts at treatment, the recent admission for dehydration, and that I have now been mixing alcohol and benzos (librium) since I have had to drink less).

Anyway, my dad suggested driving there tomorrow night and staying in a hotel and admitting Wednesday. I honestly don't know if my parents are unaware that I have been hiding vodka and drinking while staying with them. I have been using AA meetings or going to my apartment as the opportunity to go to the liquor store. Then I transfer the vodka to water bottles and leave the actual bottle in my car. I hide the water bottles between the bed and wall or behind things on bookshelves. Either they haven't noticed or just aren't saying anything. However in a hotel, I don't know if I could smuggle in alcohol, so I would rather go to detox tomorrow and not have to find out. It has made me very anxious hiding this, and I am ready to be done obsessing over when I can buy vodka, when I can go to my car to fill the bottles, and hiding the smell of alcohol on my breath.

The last lie I am concerned with is that I am admitting for detox before going into the residential program. I think they may be at separate locations. If my parents are assuming that I haven't been drinking, then there would be no reason to need detox. I am planning if they ask to just say that if you come after business hours, that is where you go.. because the residential part would probably not have the staff to do admissions at night. That or claim that everyone has to be medically cleared before going to residential. Those seem like reasonable lies, right?

So wish me luck. I have been going to AA both because there is a liquor store next door but also to maintain the hope that people do recover. People do get sober, and their lives aren't miserable. I started having second thoughts during all the phone calls to arrange Cobra, unemployment, and admission. I am glad this worked out because I don't think I could do all of the assessment again for another facility.

So take care of yourselves. I will be thinking of everyone. I won't have internet for at least a month, so I won't be able to update until I get out.

Fighting my parents and my second thoughts

So I wanted to say that I am still alive. Not much new to report.

I keep butting heads with my mom. One minute we are happy and eat together and go shopping. Then this morning before she even got up, I asked my dad when to tell rehab I could go. I called and talked to the woman there about that and what proof of insurance I need. I called to see if I can expedite the cobra stuff because I got the forms. They said I could overnight them or go to the office. Both are terrifying options because they involve either 1. Driving to an unknown building and talking to strangers or 2. I honestly have never sent something overnight.. I honestly think I have only ever once mailed a package or done anything at the post office other than drop things in the mailbox. So I waited until my mom was eating breakfast and told her and asked what I should do. She told me to email my dad. He said either one. I told her and she basically said very rudely if I preferred one then why not just do that. I said I preferred the post office.

She told me which post office has less rude employees, but I couldn't figure out if I was meant to go alone or if she was going with me. Finally I asked if she wanted to go to the used book store and she agreed. So then I knew we would go to the post office as well. I managed to figure that out. I bought some books to take to rehab. She offered to buy me Neil Gaiman's new book on Norse mythology and (since the packet they sent me says all books must be approved by the therapist) jokingly said if they have any issues with it to tell them to call her. So suddenly we're OK again?

On an aside, I am looking forward to that book. Neverwhere and American Gods (and Anansi Boys) are some of my favorite books. My parents keep mentioning a campaign to raise money for a refugee charity and if they raise enough Neil Gaiman will read the entire Cheesecake Factory menu, which would be hilarious. I also got a book of short stories by Terry Pratchett. Every time I go into hospital without time to buy books, I just grab a couple Discworld novels because they never get old. Sorry rambling.

Anyway, I may be going to rehab as soon as Friday. It all depends on insurance still. I have bought clothes and books. I am going back to my apartment tomorrow to get my Bible and see if I have forgotten anything. My mom did read the packet I forwarded her, which is a positive sign? I bought some toiletries, but there's always this rule about alcohol in the ingredients, so I am probably going on a quest tomorrow for conditioner where alcohol isn't the 2nd ingredient. This is much harder than it sounds.

I am still drinking. I spent the weekend at my apartment. I did do a decent amount of cleaning, but I also drank. I brought home a water bottle of vodka. I drank that tonight, which was really stupid. **TMI I have had terrible diarrhea all afternoon and evening. I don't know if it was what I ate.. I had a tofu wrap at lunch and sometimes tofu doesn't agree with me. Or if this is just my fucked up digestive system. So the last thing I need is to be dehydrated again.

I just don't know how to wean myself off the alcohol and librium safely and even the woman at rehab reminded me of the dangers. I would rather they sort out detox there than try to do it myself. I promise I will update before I go in.