Belts and shoelaces

I have had an eventful week. Not in a good way..
So I went to detox June 13th. The detox unit had no therapy and no psychiatrist. Basically we sat around watching TV or in my case reading in my bedroom. The depression was terrible. The eating disorder was terrible. I was there 6 days.

Monday, I got to residential. It was overwhelming from the moment I arrived. I was already having suicidal thoughts at detox. There they removed anything with cords from the room after I mentioned considering strangling myself. My roommate convinced me to tell someone at residential I was still suicidal. I talked to a counselor and he ended up sending me to this 24 hour observation unit, where you basically sit in a recliner in a room where nurses watch you. Then you talk to a psychiatrist via video/phone/Skype like whatever. He put me on Zoloft.

I went back to residential. I really did my best to be honest and do what I was told. The depression and suicidal thoughts kept getting worse. I started obsessing over ways to do it. I had no intention of dying. I just wanted to know what would work.

Wednesday, I tried to choke myself with a belt. I decided that I couldn't pull it tight enough. I told my counselor and had to sign a contract saying I wouldn't try to kill myself.

Thursday, I figured out a way to hang myself with the belt. I told some other patients who insisted I talk to staff. I did have to talk to the on call counselor. He believed that I didn't really intend to kill myself.

Friday, I did my best to not be alone.

Saturday, I spent a couple hours just lying in bed unable to nap. The thoughts wouldn't go away. This time I tried using a shoelace. Unfortunately, it tightened faster than expected and left an obvious mark on my neck. My roommate saw and said if I didn't tell, she would.

Well, I was sent for observation again. This time I was told that I would have to convince the team that I would do things differently if allowed back. I called today and nobody bothered to call back even though they said they would. However, they dropped off my suitcase with all my stuff, which I took to mean that I wasn't going back.

I called my parents to see if they would come get me. I know that I need either residential or inpatient, but I would rather go closer to home and not 7 hours away. I spent the day reading and waiting.

My parents haven't really said anything since they picked me up. I know the ranch called them. On the phone, my mom said they told them that I shouldn't go home or stay with them. They said I need residential. If it comes up, I plan to explain that I did what I was told, I complied with my meds, I went to group, so it is not my fault that my depression got so bad that the suicidal thoughts were constant.

I don't know the plan. I can try another rehab, but after what they may view as 3 suicide attempts (although I argue that they were just an experiment) in a week, I am not sure they will take me. I am considering a psych ward to get the depression under control. I would rather do that and then AA. My parents may not agree, but it's my life.

I may or may not write again before I go. We are staying in the town where I was in treatment and driving home tomorrow. That gives me time to think it over.

12 days sober though