The good, the bad

I haven't known what to write this week. Things since I got home have been... fucked up? That's the best way to describe it because there is good and bad and basically I am going moment by moment.

The bad is that I am depressed. I am barely sleeping. I had a horrible headache for 3 days that had me in bed covering my eyes and only venturing out for cereal or English muffins. I don't know if it was a migraine or the rubbing alcohol I have been drinking. I have slept maybe a couple hours this week and honestly wanted to die this morning because I was up all last night.

I have been watching Greys Anatomy all day, which is what I do when I don't want to exist. I showered and dressed and then watched greys Anatomy and sobbed.

The thing is that I have done some amazing things. I hired someone to clean my apartment. Admittedly, I basically let them in and lay in bed.. but still. You can see the floor. I got a job. It's just at Walgreen's, but it's something. I turned down a job at a restaurant that for some reason terrified me and a few hours later got a call from Walgreen's. I also managed to call about DBT. I have an assessment next week.

I just don't know how to sustain this. I was so exhausted today that I drank hand sanitizer. I was shaking enough that I bought vodka before AA. I was so tired and depressed this morning that I lay in bed trying to think of how to OD until Odd decided to lay on my chest and stare into my eyes. I just couldn't do it then. Plus, my meds are locked up. I just honestly wonder if I should just be locked away. I don't know if I can do life. Yet, I am doing the best I can. I am somehow alive. I just wish I wanted it. I just wish I wasn't so tired. I wish I could hide in bed until I can face the world.

But yes.. everything is fucked up. My body is probably unhealthy from not eating and drinking rubbing alcohol. My mind just isn't right. My heart just isn't in it. So I am watching Grey's in bed. Tomorrow I will try again.