I lie and I lie and I lie

Well, I am home again. My parents house. This week was not fun.

Last Thursday my psychiatrist basically insisted I go inpatient. It was more or less implied that if I didn't go voluntarily, I would be forced. I was taken by ambulance from that building to the psych ward at the same hospital, which was a bit ridiculous. Then it was discovered that she didn't bother to call ahead, and they had no bed. So I was put back in the ambulance and taken to the ER. I was there for like 8 hours. My potassium was low as usual. I was then told I was being transferred to another hospital.. and I was a bit of a bitch about it.. threatened to pull out my IV. But the whole point was to go to a new hospital and not be sent to one I have been to 3 other times.

In the psych ward.. I was crazier than usual. I tried to sign myself out AMA and was threatened with being court ordered. I then convinced the doctor to let me go Monday. Well, my parents got really angry about that. They visited and said some pretty horrible stuff.. like bringing up how much money they spent on me.. and my mom stormed out (which she later said was because of my dad not me) and my dad told me she found alcohol in my room and how much it hurt her. I cried and became more suicidal.

So I began simultaneously to develop a detailed plan to get out of the hospital and kill myself. I somehow managed to convince them that because of the fight with my parents, I should be discharged to my own apartment. I convinced my parents not to visit Monday, so they wouldn't know I got out. And then more details I won't go into. I lied to the doctor and had her convinced that I was better. She actually put in the discharge order. Then the social worker said that they should at least call my parents, and I just couldn't lie. I confessed that I had a plan. The doctor was shocked and upset that I had lied. I don't think it's that odd to lie? But I ended up staying 2 more days and agreeing to go to my parents house. My parents agreed I could come back if I didn't bring alcohol home again. This whole speech about it being my last chance.

So I am out. I am not as suicidal. I mostly am not convinced I want to get sober. I am just taking it a day at a time. I am still freaking out about the apartment and jobs and everything, but I am not dealing with it tonight. Tonight I am trying to take it easy.