Cats

So I really don't know if this makes me a fucked up human being, but I really feel like cats keep me alive more than people. Like I really have an abnormal attachment to my cats. In high school, I truly believe Mudge kept me alive. She would sit and watch me when I cut. She was somehow always there when I was upset. Now it's Odd. He grew up with a crazy owner. It was totally expected that I would carry him and cuddle him when I was upset. But he still is always there when I am upset. Like I had a bad day and last night he just laid down behind me and put a paw on my shoulder. He was just there. And I honestly wonder if he understands better than my parents. I don't think they get the philosophical crisis going on in my head. Or at least they don't know how to respond. Odd knows to just place a paw there and occasionally make some funny, sleepy sound. Nermal is still young and is more funny than understanding. Still I feel like I have to live for them. My parents could understand my death. It might change everything and be terrible, but they have an understanding of mental illness that would eventually allow them to cope. My cats might never understand why suddenly I wasn't there. I can't explain it to them because we speak different languages. So a paw on my shoulder helps me live. Funny noises keep me alive. I know I should care about people, but I feel more attached to these little animals I raised. They are mine.

Today I feel like I have to decide. Am I going to kill myself or not? If not, I have to stop drinking. I have reached the point of dependence that I cannot function without alcohol. So I think I have to give it up.. and I just don't know if I will end up in the hospital. I honestly care so little about life that I will take whatever happens. I have thought about picking up the pills. I really don't know. For now the only positive is the cat that chooses to sleep in bed with me and not the many other places that exist.