Reaching out

I had a terrible day.

After the disagreement with my parents, I didn't want to go to ECT. I don't think it's helping. I am terrified about the possibility of my parents kicking me out when they are almost my only reason to live. But I went to ECT. The doctor wants to keep doing this for next week too. I argued it's pointless but agreed because I don't have a lot of options.. and I didn't want to say I was suicidal and be put inpatient.

Well, the thing about ECT.. for me at least waking up from anesthesia is really confusing. I know where I am but sometimes have gaps in my memory. Like today I looked at my phone and saw the message I sent someone yesterday about the fight with my parents. I then looked at my last post and remembered the overdose. And so this week comes flooding back with all the fears about finding a job and cleaning my apartment and having a place to live. This resulted in me crying hysterically with the nurses trying to reassure me that it will get better. I kept thinking that it won't if my parents kick me out and I lose my only real reason to live.

Of course.. I couldn't mention the drinking or the overdose because I risk getting put back inpatient. And being inpatient only complicates things like cleaning the apartment and getting a job. I ended up having to swear to one nurse that I will be back for my treatment next week (meaning alive) because I was curled up in a ball crying but refusing to really explain why. Meanwhile thinking all sorts of terrible things.

Afterwards, I got myself put together enough for lunch and shopping with my mom. I also when I got home called my friend B from AA and told her about it. I tried to call one other friend later when the hopeless feeling came back. She didn't answer, so I texted a non AA friend to basically explain where I have been for the past few months. I haven't gotten a response.
I am still feeling very hopeless and alone. I just don't see things working out for me. I truly don't. I mean I applied for a bank teller job because I have experience, and my mom's comment was that I didn't like working at the bank. That's true to some extent, but also I doubt I will like being homeless or unable to afford my medications.. and just the other day she made it sound like those are possible outcomes. I am just trying to take any step that I can to keep myself from saying fuck it and giving up on life. I may not want to be alive, but I am holding onto the assumption that someone cares about me.