Therapy.. just need to vent

I half wrote another post yesterday but didn't publish it because I was waiting to see what happened today. See.. I decided to tell my therapist how bad things are. Silly me thinking that would accomplish anything.

Here is the situation. I now have potentially 2 job offers. I am waiting for the restaurant to be close to opening, and they are supposed to call. I did a phone interview for a bank teller job and the recruiter was going to see if they had any full time positions and call me but pretty much offered me the part time job. I hung up the phone at the end, and then curled up in bed sobbing.. like legit sobbing because I can switch the depression off briefly but I know very well that I can't keep it off. It feels like an on/off switch except the time limit is maybe an hour sometimes. So the interview left me in tears contemplating death.

My therapist says she doesn't think I should be working. She said I should be looking at disability. I said that I don't know what I need to do and burst into tears. I really have no idea what I need to do. I tried to explain that I am completely broke and my parents have threatened at least once to kick me out, and I am scared. I told her I am still drinking because I don't think I would be alive if I wasn't, and my parents don't understand that. They refuse to understand that it's not fun. It's not me being rebellious. It is a survival mechanism. When I think about suicide >50% of the time, I am hardly sleeping, I need to be able to turn my brain off and the medications don't do that.

I seriously said more than once that I am suicidal. I even flat out said that the reason I am alive is that today is my mom's birthday, and I couldn't kill myself right before her birthday. That was because she wanted to text my dad that she was going to get the information about disability for me. Not that she was going to tell anyone that I said I was suicidal.. and I just didn't want her to talk to him today and start a conversation about this on her birthday. I don't want to try to explain this to them today. I said that I really see no way that I am not going to be hospitalized Thursday when I see my psychiatrist, and she said that was OK.

And she seriously let me leave her office at the end of the appointment without telling anyone what I told her. I really tried to get her to understand that I am NOT ok, and she just let me leave. She wants me to talk to my psychiatrist about TMS and she is supposed to give me some info about disability. She said we could call during my session if I wanted to use the time that way (with the tone of voice implying that was a waste of time) because like most people she doesn't comprehend how much I struggle with phone calls. I don't make phone calls, so I don't know how this is going to work. I told her that I don't think this is fixable. She kept trying to make suggestions about stuff like cleaning the apartment, and I just kept crying harder.

I left and went home and pretended to be fine. Well.. my mom and brother went to lunch, and I went back to bed. I don't think I ever fell asleep. I just pretended to sleep to avoid talking to anyone. I somehow have to make it through tomorrow and then I guess try again with my psychiatrist. I imagine my psychiatrist will respond differently. I mean it's not even like having this conversation a few months ago prior to the suicide attempt. Then maybe I could understand her not taking this seriously. Now? WTF?

So it hasn't been a good day. I really hope I can sleep tonight. Maybe sleep would help. I just can't bring myself to say anything to my parents. I know I should. I just feel so worthless for thinking this way, and I don't know how to explain this. I don't know how to make them understand that this isn't my fault. I don't even really understand how I went from a relatively normal person to this fucking mess in 6 months. I don't know how to fix it either. But I think I can make it one more day.