Rigorous honesty

I have not had a great day, but it could have been worse if I had done what I planned.

It started poorly because my parents asked if I wanted to go to breakfast. I declined because my stomach has been acting up for several days. I don't know if it's a result of the last time I drank rubbing alcohol or the drinking in general. I stayed in bed a bit longer then got up to vomit, and *TMI* threw up some of the salad I ate for lunch yesterday (and stood there trying to remember when I had salad because for dinner I had a veggie burger). So I guess my digestion isn't great. I had some milk and went back to bed.

The plan was to go to my home group for a meeting and then to my apartment to get my computers... and any pills I could find. I ended up crying and saying in the meeting that I don't want to be alive. Several people talked to me after. I told the friend that I didn't think I should go to my apartment because of what I wanted to get. She asked what, and I told her I wanted to grab pills. So obviously that plan was cancelled. Instead, we went to get food for her lizard. I managed to go straight home after. Thankfully my parents didn't ask why I didn't go to the apartment because I didn't want to explain. I see very little chance of making it through the week without going back inpatient. I am trying to at least make it until I see my therapist Tuesday to see what she thinks I should do.

I now have several people who know what's going on, so I am a little more accountable. I drank this morning, but I haven't touched the vodka this evening. I am trying to avoid it, but I also don't want to throw it out in case I start having withdrawals. I don't think I have been drinking enough to have a problem, but I can never be sure. My body is clearly not coping well with how I have been treating it. I am a little worried about it, but I am still pretty suicidal.. so not that worried. I am just trying to keep it together for a few more days. I am back to my parents house where my medications are safely locked away. I think I can manage a few more days.