Not even sure where to begin. I don't remember if I mentioned that Monday I had the brilliant idea to take approximately 30 benadryl.. maybe 40? Shortly after my mom and brother came home, and somehow my brother being there made it too weird to OD, so I purged as much as possible. Nothing really happened. I didn't even feel sick or tired. Then Tuesday and Wednesday I drank rubbing alcohol.. and on top of that my parents mentioned the bottle of vodka in my bathroom last night.
My mom basically said I would have to find somewhere else to live. But then also was talking about me needing to apply for jobs. My dad seems to want some way to test me to see if I am drinking. I didn't say a whole lot because I can't explain how much I am only alive because of them. I also wasn't the one who originally suggested moving home. And I haven't actually lied about the vodka. I just haven't mentioned it. I basically said that the depression is worse, I am not sleeping well, and I don't know what to do. The drinking isn't fun. It's survival.
I am back to having crying spells. Twice I have left AA early to cry hysterically in my car. I have all kinds of suicidal thoughts. I am barely keeping myself alive and reasonably safe, and I am supposed to find a job? I am not sure how to safely pack up my apartment, which I know is full of pills and knives. I am not sure I can even safely go get my laptop. My parents are still not allowed in the apartment, so I would have to take friends.
ECT isn't working. Meds aren't working. I saw my therapist but how is seeing her once every week or two going to fix this? I can't imagine ever being able to work again. It was the job hunt that put me in the hospital this last time. I know part of it is that I just don't want anything badly enough. I am only trying not to hurt people too badly, and I don't know how long I will care. So I may end up in hospital again, but is it going to matter? Is a week inpatient going to make it better or make it worse by just further limiting the time I have to do everything?
I don't know. I can't sleep. Everything is fucked. I don't know if anything can fix it. I have ECT in the morning, and I am going to do my best to tell the doctor that things are getting worse. Vodka would help, but I am out. I don't know if I can buy more and just hide it better. Do I just say fuck it all and go back to my apartment and begin drinking myself to death? I just don't know.
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