Digging a deeper hole

**TW** please read at your own risk

I feel like good things are happening, but I am sinking lower. I feel my life expectancy should be measured in days or maybe weeks. I do not see a happy ending because I do not want a happy ending. I am mainly weighing the consequences and trying to minimize damage.

The good... I have a job offer for a restaurant. I also have a phone interview for a bank I worked for before. I would prefer the bank because I would prefer something I have done before. It might be a different location, but I know I have done it. The other job is a cashier job, which I have experience with, but at somewhere I have never worked. Not going to lie.. I worry a little that I ate at the restaurant and have had an upset stomach ever since. Likely, the upset stomach has to do with the rubbing alcohol I drank a few days ago and not the food.

The question is if I can manage any of this. I saw my new psychiatrist yesterday and cannot honestly say I want to be alive. I am exhausted, and I want out. I do not see any way of fixing everything I have broken. I am terrified that I will never be able to find all the medical bills and pay them. I am still scared to even check my mail, so keeping up with everything is terrifying.

I am also just miserable. I am sad. I tried to explain it all to the new doctor, and I can barely keep track of when I was in each hospital. If I had full control of my meds, I wouldn't be here. However, I don't have full control, so I have to come up with a plan. Plus, my mom's birthday is next week, and I cannot decide when would be the best time to lose a daughter in reference to that. I am thinking after...

I am trying. I am just trying to keep going. I want to believe that I will want to be alive because I just cannot imagine decades of this. I honestly think I am defective, and I wasn't meant to be alive.

My parents are struggling to cope with me. I stupidly talked to them drunk, and my dad mentioned it later. I mean if they kicked me out, it would make the choice easy.

I am still trying. I am planning to tell my therapist everything and see if she has better ideas. If I cannot work and function, can she find another option? I am willing to try other things, but I don't know what to try. I only know how to go on interviews and go to work.. until I don't. Until I can't. Then I don't know what to do.

So yeah.. my life is crumbling around me. I need any bit of support I can get. I am sad and scared and I don't think I can show it. I am trying to hide it. If I weren't with my parents, I would just stay in bed. I wish I could just stay in bed. I don't think I should have to act like I am functioning and doing ok. I want to be able to act like the crumbling mess that I know I am. Pretending is only making the suicidal thoughts worse.  So I guess we will see what happens. I love all of you that read this and have commented before. I have loved this chance to be honest. If I don't get to write again, I wish you the very best.

**Edit** I am continuing to take the right step. I need to go home tomorrow and get my computers. I texted 2 friends to say I will be at an AA meeting. I told both I am struggling, and I asked B to go to my apartment with me. That way I am far less likely to leave with a bunch of pills. This may not make me less suicidal, but it makes me less likely to come away with an excess of pills. It also means I am less likely to lie about how badly I am doing, so I can hopefully be honest. I will continue to try.