Insomnia

OK so I really think I might end up back in the hospital soon. My head is all sorts of fucked up, and I don't even know why. Like I have been drinking everyday.. I am pretty much constantly buzzed. I was dumb and finished my vodka this afternoon, which means by bedtime I was desperate enough to drink mouthwash. I of course can't sleep.. and it came down to either drinking isopropyl alcohol or taking a handful of benadryl. I settled on a splash of rubbing alcohol and water.. which tasted awful but took the edge off. I may get caught if anyone smells the glass or my breath.. but I don't really care? Like I almost need someone to say something so I can come clean.
What I really don't understand is why I am so desperate to be numb. My life is not so terrible. I was thinking about the counselor at rehab saying I probably have a lot more secrets than I told them... but I don't? My therapist was half convinced that I have repressed something because it just doesn't make sense for me to be this fucked up. I mean honestly.. I don't have as many memories of my childhood as most people do. I also had this weird thing where I told stories in my head.. but what's weird is that they were almost always about a girl who was horribly abused. But I wasn't abused. My parents loved me. Sorry that was a weird tangent. I have to be up for ECT in a few hours.. I don't even see the point anymore. It isn't helping. Meds aren't helping. I promised my therapist not to attempt suicide again before I see her.. but I don't know if I can keep this up.