Almost desperate enough

I was seriously close to asking my parents to take me to the emergency room today. I am just not doing well. I felt really off today.. I don't know how to explain. It was like my body wasn't mine. I have had this sort of feeling before while going through withdrawal. I was also just exhausted. After breakfast and shopping, my dad mentioned seeing a movie. I was so glad my mom said no because I just wanted to go back to bed. After waking up, I felt nauseous.  I just really wanted a drink. I didn't even want dinner. I was just trying to act normal. Then I was just killing time until AA. I went to the meeting and stopped at the liquor store before. I just knew I was going through withdrawal and needed a drink. I was upset because a woman talked to me before the meeting and mentioned seeing me before and how I leave right after the meetings. I'm sorry, but doesn't it seem logical that if someone is clearly uncomfortable at meetings not to point it out? I seriously almost left before the meeting because she said that. I just really miss my home group. I feel like the only one who is still sick at this group. Like everyone else has years of sobriety, and I just drank in my car.

But seriously I considered going to the hospital. I don't see a way out of this, but I want out. I still haven't picked up the prescription I intended to kill myself with. The drinking has reached a point where I am scared to stop on my own, but my parents haven't said anything.. and I don't know if they don't know or are just too scared to say anything. I don't want to need treatment again. I don't exactly want to kill myself. I just don't see a way out. I don't want to keep doing ECT. I don't want to go back to my apartment. I don't want any of this. I just want oblivion. I just want out. I just struggle with the idea that I am not capable of life.