Home again

I think I last updated before being transferred to the psych ward. It took most of Monday for them to arrange the transfer. The issue was that I had mentioned ECT, and only a handful of hospitals around here do it. Originally, the one I have been to had no beds, so she mentioned 2 others. I started crying and said I didn't care because by Monday I was exhausted and had been without meds for days, so I couldn't process anything. I texted my mom something about the options, and she mentioned that my dad wanted me to call my apartment complex and ask to stay another month. I then ended up curled up crying uncontrollably with my poor sitter asking if I was ok. I somehow managed to get my shit together and call. Then the social worker said that the hospital now had a bed. I just waited for transport.

My first day 2 days at the psych ward are a blur. I transferred and did all the assessments and tried to negotiate with the nurse to get my Seroquel. I ended up getting something else and crashing at 8:30. The next day I slept through breakfast. I stumbled out of bed for vitals and to see the doctor. I had a breakdown over lunch because they didn't tell me I had to order vegetarian in advance. This happened after I went for an X-RAY and returned to find my roommate locked out of our room. I ended up just insisting I didn't want lunch and just wanted to go back to bed. They let me in my room. I cried and then slept until dinner. I went to bed by 9 again.

I started ECT Wednesday. I then ate lunch and slept until dinner. Thursday I finally went to a few groups, which was as pointless as I expected. The doctor started me back on wellbutrin. The first sign I was feeling better is that I had enough energy to read. Wednesday after ECT I just sat and stared into space because I couldn't focus on a book.

Today I had ECT again. The doctor had said I would be discharged today or Monday. I pleaded for today. Groups don't help, so I just want to be back with my parents. So I was discharged. My parents are locking up my meds. I gave them the meds in my room that they hadn't taken. They didn't touch the vodka in the bathroom.. I haven't mentioned it. I did drink a bit.

I am still having passing suicidal thoughts, but they are getting better. I just want to be out of the hospital. I have to go back Monday for ECT. I have 6 more treatments before I get a break. That also means I am not supposed to drive, so I am relying on my parents. I am safer than I was. I hope things continue to improve.