Why bother?

I went to my assessment for PHP today. I was about 90% honest, and so I just barely managed to convince them to give me a shot. I knew from the beginning that I was taking a risk when the form asked if I had a plan to harm myself, and I checked yes. I met with a doctor and social worker. The doctor asked what the plan was and how I could be sure that I would stay safe. I pretty much just said that I wouldn't do it. The social worker talked to me longer and asked the same thing. I told her that I doubted that the plan would kill me, and I would have to face my parents after. I did say that I was trying to come up with ways to make it work (so at least I end up in the hospital). I was honest about feeling totally hopeless. She agreed to let me try day program. She said if I hadn't just gotten out of treatment, she would say I need to be in the hospital. I could tell both her and the doctor weren't very comfortable with the suicidal thoughts. I can't say I blame them. I really can't promise that I won't do something stupid. I just don't think that going inpatient will help. I don't think outpatient will either, but at least it leaves me with the ability to deal with the apartment. I honestly don't know why I am bothering with anything. No matter how hard I try, I cannot see things getting better. I see myself relapsing. I see myself in and out of treatment. I see my family being angry. I see myself dying young.

I hate this. I hate being different. I hate being fucked up. I hate the very real possibility that I will always be depressed. I hate not feeling like I have any way to fix this.