The jumping off place **TW**

"Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end."

I am back to my parents house now. I am still not feeling mentally well. The drive gave me too much time to think. I thought about conversations in rehab. I thought about how my counselor said I probably had more secrets than I told them. I really don't. Other than the extent of the self harm, I'm a bit of a mystery even to myself. I can't explain how I developed such a strong belief that I am worthless and hopeless and somehow different or defective. I can't explain the origin of the depression. It just is. I thought about when she asked if my intention was to leave and kill myself. I said no, but I wasn't really sure at the time. She asked if I had a plan, and I kinda laughed (which felt a bit sick) and said it isn't hard to come up with an idea. Like seriously, the plan has been the same for a couple years with few variations. But I guess normal people don't have that sort of thing?

I spent the drive thinking about the plan. I remember in treatment having these random thoughts.. "brilliant ideas" I called them sarcastically. One night I lay on my bed and calmly commented that instead of cleaning my apartment, I could set it on fire. My roommate (who was used to me by then) asked if I had renters insurance. The other was the hotel room.. which actually was the plan I had back when I was a year sober. My other idea was to ask people what they would have for their last meal.. like ask the staff this. Because I couldn't decide what to eat to help keep the vodka down. Obviously, I didn't ask. I didn't want to end up back on suicide watch. I have also spent a lot of time wondering if I would need to not take my cell phone because my parents might be able to track it and find me. The police could see by my credit card, but hopefully I would be dead before I was reported missing.

Then in the car, I returned to the practical issue that I am supposed to go to a partial hospitalization program for the depression. I am very much afraid that if I am honest, I will get stuck in a psych ward for all these thoughts. I also know that the constant dishonesty in rehab was probably an obstacle to my recovery. I can't simultaneously ask god to remove my character defects and when my counselor asks about self harm say I just have thoughts (instead of saying I am doing it everyday). So I probably shouldn't lie about this.

Still.. I have an appointment Tuesday for the assessment for partial. I had to call and get it moved to a closer location than where my counselor set it up. I am going to do my best to give myself a week to see if this feeling goes away. I will give myself a week to try life.