Invisible

Things are quite bad. After the minor overdose Sunday, I have been obsessing over doing it again. I've also had tremors and muscle twitches that I think are related to that. I only told one friend about it.

PHP has been upsetting today. The doctor asked if I thought it was helping and how long I wanted to continue. Then she saw that my insurance has only approved through today. She talked to the person dealing with them and was basically told that because my suicidal thoughts are chronic and not getting better, they may not give me any more days. So basically I feel like help just isn't possible for me. I should just give up because even insurance has given up.

I tried to call my psychiatrist. They claim I have multiple no shows, so the psychiatrist wants to talk to me before deciding to schedule anything. I only remember cancelling the last appointment at the last minute. I've spent most of the past 3 months in treatment, so I couldn't make another appointment. It's not my fault nobody contacted him while I was in treatment. So I may not have a psychiatrist anymore.

After finding all that out, I go back to group and everyone is talking about suicide.. a patient's husband's suicide, their attempts, their thoughts. I sat there silently thinking of my own plans but seeing no point in telling them. The therapist asked toward the end for people to say someone who was quiet in group they wanted to hear from. They mentioned me and another man. The therapist called on him and spent the rest of process group on him. I never spoke, and this may be my last day.

So I may be beyond all help now.

**Edit** I was extended until Friday for php. I made a psychiatrist appointment for next week after the awkwardness of him saying how I owed $40 for the appointment I cancelled at 3am the day of. I did this. I acted normal. I pulled a ton of weeds from my parents garden.

I also finished a 375ml bottle of vodka. Then I bought more. I took a lot of pills (duloxetine, buspar, and my usual Seroquel). I went to AA. I called my ex sponsor to say how well I am doing. I guess I will see what happens. I truly appreciate everyone who reads this. I am so much more able to write if someone cares. Whatever happens, thank you.