30 days

I am currently on the way home from rehab with my parents. I made it the full 30 days without getting myself kicked out/transferred (barely).

The good is that I am 37 days sober. I am back on meds that theoretically should work. I had 2 counselors.. one for individual and one for group. My individual one I only saw 4 times, so I honestly didn't feel that close to. He was really nice and obviously cared though. The group counselor really seemed to care and worry about me. She would keep me after and give me extra homework. She kept saying she was worried because it seemed like there was a dark cloud over me. They had an awesome person who taught the twelve steps. Like she was a true representation of someone who lives by the principles but still manages to joke and swear a lot. She got me a temporary sponsor, which didn't really work out (not going in to that now)

That's where the bad comes in. My depression started getting worse after about a week there. I started to self harm and feel really hopeless. I would have random crying spells. In one of those, I started entertaining the fantasy of getting a hotel room when I get home and a couple handles of vodka. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my counselor in an attempt to explain how I was having this depression. He asked how that was financially possible. I said the assumption was that I wouldn't survive this.

So yeah.. I got myself put on one to one. I had to meet with a crisis nurse and explain this wasn't a plan. It was just a fantasy. I then had to convince both therapists that it was better to let me finish the program than transfer me to somewhere else. Somehow I managed. I did learn my group counselor had a patient kill himself at the facility, so that explains why she was concerned about me.

I wish I could say it got better. I have spent the last several days crying because I really can't imagine life. There's a part in the big book that says "Some day he won't be able to imagine life with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping off place. He will wish for the end". I am there. I am desperately clinging to the hope that others have done this. I have been reading the big book constantly. I again had to convince my counselor after group that I wasn't planning to kill myself. I have a tech that came by in the middle of the night a couple days ago (scared me when she woke me) that gave me her number and made me promise to call to tell her I am safe. So I am aware people care. I just don't know how to handle sadness like this without alcohol.