2 weeks

I was discharged from rehab on January 15th. I knew at the time I was suicidal, and so did they. Still I was sent home to fend for myself with no referrals. I managed to keep it together enough to set up an assessment for services at the government funded services for my county. I had it all planned out that I would kill myself the day after my parents wedding anniversary because I didn't want to ruin their anniversary. The day after happened to be my appointment for the assessment. I drank the night before and a couple drinks that morning. I don't know if it was the alcohol or just the depression that made me completely numb. I felt detached from myself as I was answering questions, including when asked if I had suicidal thoughts. I said yes.. and that I had a plan. So the counselor called 911. A cop showed up. I answered questions. I said I was planning to do it that night or the next, and then I was in handcuffs in a cop car. My mom was pretty understanding. I do remember her asking if the rehab place knew about all this.. which they did. I went to the ER and was admitted to inpatient.

They kept me 2 weeks. It honestly didn't seem like things were getting any better. I was depressed and hopeless and sleeping a lot. I met some nice people, but I also spent a lot of time in my room. Last Wednesday I was supposed to leave.. the doctor put in the order, I packed my stuff, and I filled out paperwork.. being an idiot I was honest on the paperwork. This included saying I was still having suicidal thoughts. I didn't think they would look at it before I was gone, but they did. So right at the time I was supposed to leave, the nurse told me I wouldn't be leaving. They called the doctor and decided I should stay. I might have said some not nice things about the doctor to the nurse (called him an asshole.. or a jackass.. to more than one person). I had self harmed pretty bad prior to that and again after it. I honestly didn't start to feel better until a few days ago. This past weekend the doctor working the weekend (not the jackass) added another antidepressant, and I started to feel better. I had been too tired to stay out of bed.. I had started skipping meals. I couldn't focus to read or color or do anything.

But I am home now and feeling a bit better. I am still pretty hopeless, but I am not so desperate as before. I am happy to have real food and diet soda. The options for vegetarians there were 2 frozen meals, a gardenburger, or a grilled cheese sandwich.. and a couple times I didn't order any alternative but was pressured to eat something by one of the techs. He's a nice guy, but I wanted to throw a fit when he threatened to tell my nurse (and they would tell the doctor) last night because I had skipped lunch and was trying to skip dinner. I will give him credit. He did sit down and asked why I was really skipping meals. I basically said it was because I was self destructive, which he said he noticed. I really self harmed way more than I admitted to anyone.

So in a couple days I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the state funded services. I am a little afraid that I will be put back inpatient. Honestly, I am not that afraid of it. I really feel like at this time I would benefit from a long term program that could help me learn to do life ( pay bills, make decisions, be independent) again because at some point I ceased being able to function. Unfortunately, I doubt that exists or if it does that it is not enormously expensive. I just think I do best in the hospital. At home I anxiously sit around watching TV and thinking of everything I should be doing. I think I am a lot more broken than I was a year ago.

At least at home I have better food, and I have cats. That's something. Oh and I have vodka.