Monday, February 5, 2018

2 weeks

I was discharged from rehab on January 15th. I knew at the time I was suicidal, and so did they. Still I was sent home to fend for myself with no referrals. I managed to keep it together enough to set up an assessment for services at the government funded services for my county. I had it all planned out that I would kill myself the day after my parents wedding anniversary because I didn't want to ruin their anniversary. The day after happened to be my appointment for the assessment. I drank the night before and a couple drinks that morning. I don't know if it was the alcohol or just the depression that made me completely numb. I felt detached from myself as I was answering questions, including when asked if I had suicidal thoughts. I said yes.. and that I had a plan. So the counselor called 911. A cop showed up. I answered questions. I said I was planning to do it that night or the next, and then I was in handcuffs in a cop car. My mom was pretty understanding. I do remember her asking if the rehab place knew about all this.. which they did. I went to the ER and was admitted to inpatient.

They kept me 2 weeks. It honestly didn't seem like things were getting any better. I was depressed and hopeless and sleeping a lot. I met some nice people, but I also spent a lot of time in my room. Last Wednesday I was supposed to leave.. the doctor put in the order, I packed my stuff, and I filled out paperwork.. being an idiot I was honest on the paperwork. This included saying I was still having suicidal thoughts. I didn't think they would look at it before I was gone, but they did. So right at the time I was supposed to leave, the nurse told me I wouldn't be leaving. They called the doctor and decided I should stay. I might have said some not nice things about the doctor to the nurse (called him an asshole.. or a jackass.. to more than one person). I had self harmed pretty bad prior to that and again after it. I honestly didn't start to feel better until a few days ago. This past weekend the doctor working the weekend (not the jackass) added another antidepressant, and I started to feel better. I had been too tired to stay out of bed.. I had started skipping meals. I couldn't focus to read or color or do anything.

But I am home now and feeling a bit better. I am still pretty hopeless, but I am not so desperate as before. I am happy to have real food and diet soda. The options for vegetarians there were 2 frozen meals, a gardenburger, or a grilled cheese sandwich.. and a couple times I didn't order any alternative but was pressured to eat something by one of the techs. He's a nice guy, but I wanted to throw a fit when he threatened to tell my nurse (and they would tell the doctor) last night because I had skipped lunch and was trying to skip dinner. I will give him credit. He did sit down and asked why I was really skipping meals. I basically said it was because I was self destructive, which he said he noticed. I really self harmed way more than I admitted to anyone.

So in a couple days I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the state funded services. I am a little afraid that I will be put back inpatient. Honestly, I am not that afraid of it. I really feel like at this time I would benefit from a long term program that could help me learn to do life ( pay bills, make decisions, be independent) again because at some point I ceased being able to function. Unfortunately, I doubt that exists or if it does that it is not enormously expensive. I just think I do best in the hospital. At home I anxiously sit around watching TV and thinking of everything I should be doing. I think I am a lot more broken than I was a year ago.

At least at home I have better food, and I have cats. That's something. Oh and I have vodka.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time, but I'm really glad you were able to access some help and are feeling a little better.

    I hope the psych appointment went well. I know it's been a couple of weeks since you posted, but I'm hoping that's because they recognized your need for further help and were able to access further inpatient treatment (as much as it sucks, I know).

    Take care <3
    xx

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