I can't remember what I wrote last time, but I wanted to update. This week has been a bit of a mess. Like I am clearly getting worse and not managing my emotions well.
Monday I went with my mom to update financial information at this government funded mental health service for my county. I spent a couple hours waiting because it's a walk in service (well the financial part is). Then they set me up with another appointment to do the assessment for substance abuse services at 11am. I wasn't looking forward to the next appointment because that counselor is the one who called 911 the last time I had an assessment because I admitted that I was suicidal. He said he was glad I came back and that I looked much better. So he sets me up for an appointment Tuesday to meet with another therapist and start IOP.
Tuesday my parents dropped me off an hour before the appointment because they had to be somewhere and couldn't drive me later. I sit around the extra 1.5 hours. I do the appointment with the substance abuse therapist that does the IOP. I am thinking listening to him talk about it at this point that I should have asked for residential/rehab because this doesn't sound like what I need. I think so many things are more important than just the drinking.. like the inability to function. I agree to IOP and in the hour before it starts I walk to the drugstore (in light rain) to get a Pepsi Max and a protein bar.. I mostly didn't know how I'd survive without the caffeine. I was less concerned about eating lunch and ate a couple bites before deciding the bar was disgusting. In IOP, I just listened to everyone else that day. I go home exhausted and have coffee and more diet soda to keep functioning.
Wednesday we go back to try to get in to see a psychiatrist. We wait 30 minutes to be told we need to go do an intake appointment. Of course, there's many people waiting in that building, but I put myself on the waiting list. I get told we can wait around to see about getting an appointment later. I sit down and cry. We get told around 10 to come back at 11. My mom takes me to McDonalds and I get coffee.. I think my mom was well aware I was breaking down. I go back and see that person and get set up with more appointments.. a psychiatrist and a case manager appointment on top of IOP next week. My mom and I go shopping after this. I had asked her to go with me to buy new jeans (because I am a fatass and have gained weight). I tried on several pairs before falling apart. I was obviously upset in the store, and she asked if I wanted to just leave and not buy anything. I nodded (I wasn't doing too well with words). I start crying as we leave the store. She asks why, and I basically say that I don't want new jeans. I want to lose weight, so my jeans will fit. She tries saying reassuring things on the way home and that we can go back out later. We go to another store later and I get really stressed when she says she is paying. I feel terrible for 1. buying clothes I only need because I am fat and 2. Making my mom buy me fat clothes. I manage to get jeans and bras. Later when my parents are asking about what AA meeting I want to go to, my mom asks if I just want the night off because I have been busy with IOP this week. I say yes because I am just exhausted.
So I don't think I am doing too well. I have been staying sober from alcohol. Emotionally and physically I am so very tired. It doesn't help that it has been cold all week.. and even before that I was cold enough to need a sweatshirt all the time in the house and outside. I have also been purging some meals.. not everyday, but several times in the past week. I am struggling to talk to people.. and still with ever answering my phone. I basically leave it on silent all the time because I get so many collection calls. I hate getting mail because that's all it is. I am not actively suicidal, but I have been entertaining the idea again. When I am in the car with my parents, I am looking for hotels and trying to gauge the distance from a liquor store because it would preferably be in walking distance. I won't get into other thoughts. I am hoping the case manager next week will be able to help more with the depression and the thoughts and just not being able to handle life. I don't know if I will end up in therapy or end up inpatient/residential. I wouldn't mind that so much. I really do nothing but sit with my laptop on a few websites or playing Sims 3. I would rather be asleep. I have been finder to myself and going home a bit earlier because I don't really care if my parents judge me. Maybe they have begun to realize that I cannot handle huge amounts of activity. It makes me question if there's any point in looking for jobs right now. IOP at 3 hours 3 days a week is a lot for me. I also know last weekend I snapped a little when my dad was discussing going to breakfast at 8:30 or 9. I mostly made a displeased face and said I would eat at home. I felt bad later, but I also know that getting less than 8 hours sleep is harder on someone with a mental illness than it is on my dad.. and my mom naps later in the day. I don't nap.
I am rambling.. my brain is past full functioning. I hope you all have a good weekend.
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