I am struggling with a lot at the moment. I am struggling with the only times I leave the house being IOP, AA, or errands/meals with my parents. I feel very trapped. I feel like life has no purpose. I want to be able to just go for a walk or run to a store and wander around. I used to try to go out regularly when I lived alone because it helped with my mood and my anxiety. Somehow AA where I never talk and IOP (which I will go into shortly) don't seem to make a dent in this stir crazy, trapped feeling.
IOP.. I don't really know what to think of it. I guess I don't think it's helping? I am just not sure if that's my fault or a problem with the group. The group is basically just checking in by answering a series of questions (mostly about if we're going to meetings, doing readings, etc), then people present assignments (worksheets), and then we usually watch a video of some kind. I guess this seems to be working for other people, but I don't think it's helping me because alcohol was more a symptom than the cause of my problems. I have so much other crap in my head that I don't get any chance to talk about. Like the fact that I have quickly replaced alcoholism with a relapse into bulimia.. or that I am obsessing over plans to get alcohol or self harm or attempt suicide or to buy laxatives. Like I say I am thinking about drinking, and the therapist knows I have an eating disorder but I don't feel comfortable mentioning it in group.. I feel like any time I try to describe my mood and the shit in my head that I am going on to long and everyone is just staring.
Then today I had an individual session with the therapist. I don't really remember what I said at the beginning, but it led to a question about if other diagnoses had been discussed with me (and I knew where that was going).. and as he started to mention Axis II diagnoses I interrupted and said that borderline personality disorder has been mentioned. He talked about that and DBT and how I should look into that.. and I said that the DBT therapists wouldn't take me because of the drinking. I was thinking that it really isn't something I intend to tackle without a therapist of some kind or a group. I don't know the conversation about me looking into resources was frustrating because with no insurance, I can't really get any other help. The reason I am doing this IOP still is because it's all I can get. I mean I can talk to my caseworker, but I don't think I can really get much more help. That's why I am trying to sort through the shit in my head on my own. That's probably why I am getting worse.
He also brought up me needing to get a sponsor. I had explained last week about what happened with my last 2 sponsors, and so he said I need to work on my trust issues. Today I had to try to explain the part where she later told me she could only love me from a distance and leave me in God's hands.. which basically meant that she can't even talk to me now. So I have issues finding a sponsor when I seem to be toxic and hurt anyone who gets close to me in the program. I also am not 100% committed to recovery because quite frankly given the opportunity I would prefer to go back to drinking myself to death.. and so the steps and this IOP assume that someone is ready to give it up.. and I don't know that I am because I don't really have healthy coping skills.. that's why the bulimia was so easy to go back to. But I said I would find a sponsor because I don't want to be kicked out of IOP because my parents will be angry.
Oh and after this session.. our group today half consisted of going to some BBQ held by the treatment place... and I had previously expressed my desire not to go. I mean being vegetarian I don't like a room that smells like hotdogs and being bulimic I have a lot of anxiety being around lots of food and being crazy I have serious anxiety around strangers. So I awkardly stood around and decided to eat nothing and then sat at a table and played with my phone (looking at eating disorder websites) until we could leave. Then I walked to the grocery store because I had time to kill before another appointment. I wandered around and looked at food.. I looked at wine.. I ended up buying laxatives, a Pepsi Max, and a protein bar and then walked back. I get back and my caseworker was out sick, and nobody had called to tell me.. so I had to reschedule and call my mom to come get me. I had honestly wanted to see my caseworker to try to tell someone some of this. I guess not.
So that is a fraction of the things I am dealing with. There are other things that I don't have energy to go into tonight. I have to have enough crazy problems to occupy my mind while I am awake, right?
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Sunday, March 11, 2018
Ulterior motives
So I have probably told similar stories to this before. Those times where I have done something seemingly innocent or even actually helpful. Except, alcohol has fucked up my life so much that there is very frequently an ulterior motive. It may be as simple as to make up for my previous behavior and hopefully make myself seem less worthless. It might also be one of these weird alcoholic problems that I agonize over for days before coming up with a twisted solution.
Ok.. so a few days prior to my hospital admission at the end of January I went to the liquor store. I bought a bottle of vodka.. I thought i bought a handle (1.75 liters). I know I filled 2 water bottles with vodka. I drank one that night, and I drank the other one February 5th when I got home. Except, that amount would not account for the whole bottle.. and what I had been doing recently is hiding bottles in the ground cover plants by the driveway/garage outside the house. Then when I had a chance, I would go outside and get them and refill the water bottles I had inside. That way if my parents found the bottles in the house, the main stash was safe outside.
The problem is.. I vaguely remember hiding it. I actually do remember thinking that I should take a photo of the hiding place in case I did get hospitalized and forgot where it was. I didn't. Then I get home in February, and my parents put up a security camera that covers most of the driveway, so I couldn't just go out and look very easily.. because I also didn't know if my parents had found the bottle already and so walking into the plants and looking around would be more suspicious than it would normally look. I watched my dad watching the cameras to figure out the spots not covered.. and would do something like take out the garbage and go briefly look.
I couldn't find it.
I tried this several times and gave up. Except a couple days ago my mom mentions trimming plants and other yard work. I become paranoid that she will cut the plants and find the bottle, and I agonized over how to explain it or make an excuse or handle this.
So yesterday, I volunteer to help.. also because I was feeling worthless and didn't want her to think I was lazy for going inside. We trimmed some plants along the fence. I helped. I asked my dad if we were doing those plants by the driveway, and he said I could if I wanted. So I got to walk through the plants and trim things while my parents were on another side of the house. I STILL haven't found a bottle. This means either it isn't there.. and I felt like my parents would have seemed more suspicious of my working over there if they knew I hid bottles there. Or it still is, but it is less likely to be found by my parents any time soon.
So this is basically totally pointless except to let you see the sort of bizarre troubles alcoholism gets you into.
Ok.. so a few days prior to my hospital admission at the end of January I went to the liquor store. I bought a bottle of vodka.. I thought i bought a handle (1.75 liters). I know I filled 2 water bottles with vodka. I drank one that night, and I drank the other one February 5th when I got home. Except, that amount would not account for the whole bottle.. and what I had been doing recently is hiding bottles in the ground cover plants by the driveway/garage outside the house. Then when I had a chance, I would go outside and get them and refill the water bottles I had inside. That way if my parents found the bottles in the house, the main stash was safe outside.
The problem is.. I vaguely remember hiding it. I actually do remember thinking that I should take a photo of the hiding place in case I did get hospitalized and forgot where it was. I didn't. Then I get home in February, and my parents put up a security camera that covers most of the driveway, so I couldn't just go out and look very easily.. because I also didn't know if my parents had found the bottle already and so walking into the plants and looking around would be more suspicious than it would normally look. I watched my dad watching the cameras to figure out the spots not covered.. and would do something like take out the garbage and go briefly look.
I couldn't find it.
I tried this several times and gave up. Except a couple days ago my mom mentions trimming plants and other yard work. I become paranoid that she will cut the plants and find the bottle, and I agonized over how to explain it or make an excuse or handle this.
So yesterday, I volunteer to help.. also because I was feeling worthless and didn't want her to think I was lazy for going inside. We trimmed some plants along the fence. I helped. I asked my dad if we were doing those plants by the driveway, and he said I could if I wanted. So I got to walk through the plants and trim things while my parents were on another side of the house. I STILL haven't found a bottle. This means either it isn't there.. and I felt like my parents would have seemed more suspicious of my working over there if they knew I hid bottles there. Or it still is, but it is less likely to be found by my parents any time soon.
So this is basically totally pointless except to let you see the sort of bizarre troubles alcoholism gets you into.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
What's bothering me
I have one on one sessions with the therapist from IOP each week in addition to group 3 days a week. I've seriously been questioning why I am doing this because the group isn't all that helpful. Basically we come in every time and go through a list of check in questions, then people present any assignments they've been given (which are the same for everyone, not individualized), then usually we watch some video downloaded from the internet about some therapy topic like shame, communication, and I tune them out too much to remember. So far only one thing was a new concept for me, and the rest have been pretty familiar.
Last week in my individual session, I ended up explaining to him what happened with my last 2 sponsors and how I obviously have trust issues. I didn't seem to get him to understand that it also has to do with my serious social anxiety. It also has to do with my severe anxiety in general. I keep running through how to explain it to someone every morning I go to group, but the blank looks I already get sometime make me think there's no point. But I have noticed that my anxiety is getting worse in a lot of ways. I have been talking in group about how my parents have been arguing and it really bothers me. It makes me feel trapped (more on this later). It makes me feel guilty and ashamed for living here. It makes me feel like my role is to fix it. It makes my world feel unsafe and uncertain. This is all very much the same as when I was a child, but it is complicated by current circumstances. I noticed the anxiety this past weekend when we went to an Irish music festival. My parents had several little blow ups. My mom tried to explain the first to me, which she has always talked to me when there's problems). Then we go to catch the train home. I know that part of my anxiety about the train is that if something goes wrong (we miss it, no seats, we have to wait) my Dad might get upset.. so I get anxious because I know it might happen. Well, he finds some seats to wait and gestures for us all to come over because for some reason he had been wanting to know where we were at all times. I sit but I know it's obvious on my face that I am near tears. My mom asks why, and I say that I think we need to be standing because there's more and more people coming to wait for the same train. So she tells my dad and brother that I think they should stand.. and I get to stand and anxiously think about the train.. and about changing trains.. and admittedly this all works out ok. Then my dad brings up getting something to eat once we're back in the car, but he's shooting down everyone's ideas. I am silent. Finally this time, my brother blows up and says to just drop him back at the house and he'd eat on his way home.
My other daily anxiety is not unusual for me.. like if I have to go anywhere on any day, I become obsessive not just about being on time but how I want to be dressed by one time to give me time to sit and catch up on internet stuff, then I have to have my shoes and socks by a certain time because Heaven forbid I not have 15-20 minutes to sit down again before leaving. Basically I don't want to be rushed, but I plan and re-plan the time over and over. I get obsessive about meals and chores and asked to have dinner at a certain time today because if my parents decide to take me to the 6:30 meeting my mom will cook when I am there, and my food tonight was different and I didn't know exactly how to tell her to cook it. I was already panicking over on how to cook part of it without getting in the way of any other part of the meal. But most people don't understand this kind of thinking. They don't know that when I say I am having thoughts about drinking, I don't mean thinking a drink would be good.. or getting drunk would be good. It's agonizing about if I can find a window of time where my mom is asleep or both of them are out, if you can see my bedroom window from the front camera (pretty sure you can't), if I can get the window open (it seems stuck), if I can crawl out the window and avoid any areas covered by cameras, if I can get to and from the liquor store in time, and where I can hide the vodka. Actually drinking it is another set of thoughts. These basically run on repeat when there's nothing more pressing to fixate on.
But what I talked to the therapist about today (and what I intended to write about) is about basically feeling trapped.. and the trust issues involved. I told him that there are security cameras that cover both doors and the driveway. Last night I was mildly upset because I offered to take the recycling out (because my insane obsessing was convinced it was being picked up today and so I should offer), and when I got back inside I saw my Dad open the website or whatever to check the cameras. As soon as I came back in. I am a month sober and I was outside for like 2-3 minutes? So I can't leave the house without them knowing. He asked something about going to meetings and if they questioned if I was going. I explained that they drive me to the meetings and sit outside in their car until I am done. That is another issue with getting a sponsor.. how do I convince them to let me go early or stay late without either them spending more time sitting there (which means guilt) or somehow finding someone to give me a ride and risk being questioned or silently watched and suspected. My therapist mentioned buying a breathalyzer, but I am not convinced that's progress? This whole talk left me thinking about how maybe I should hide some of the locked up pills so that I don't have to count on them to give them to me if i give up and decide to leave and kill myself.. so basically my thinking is worse now.
I know it's an issue of trust, and I don't deserve any trust.. but I don't know how to regain it if I am never anywhere alone? I mean yes.. if I could drink without consquences.. or less consequences honestly, I would. But some of that is because I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like living this way is a great way to make me crazier so when I start applying for jobs, I am unable to function. As it is, the suicidal thoughts are very present. I have been purging again. I just feel empty and hopeless. I don't know how I am ever go from this to a reasonable, independent life again. I am not going to right more of why I believe that because 1. you can't convince me of anything else and 2. I don't need to spend more time thinking about it.
There's more I meant to write about but don't have energy for.. so I will be around soon.
Last week in my individual session, I ended up explaining to him what happened with my last 2 sponsors and how I obviously have trust issues. I didn't seem to get him to understand that it also has to do with my serious social anxiety. It also has to do with my severe anxiety in general. I keep running through how to explain it to someone every morning I go to group, but the blank looks I already get sometime make me think there's no point. But I have noticed that my anxiety is getting worse in a lot of ways. I have been talking in group about how my parents have been arguing and it really bothers me. It makes me feel trapped (more on this later). It makes me feel guilty and ashamed for living here. It makes me feel like my role is to fix it. It makes my world feel unsafe and uncertain. This is all very much the same as when I was a child, but it is complicated by current circumstances. I noticed the anxiety this past weekend when we went to an Irish music festival. My parents had several little blow ups. My mom tried to explain the first to me, which she has always talked to me when there's problems). Then we go to catch the train home. I know that part of my anxiety about the train is that if something goes wrong (we miss it, no seats, we have to wait) my Dad might get upset.. so I get anxious because I know it might happen. Well, he finds some seats to wait and gestures for us all to come over because for some reason he had been wanting to know where we were at all times. I sit but I know it's obvious on my face that I am near tears. My mom asks why, and I say that I think we need to be standing because there's more and more people coming to wait for the same train. So she tells my dad and brother that I think they should stand.. and I get to stand and anxiously think about the train.. and about changing trains.. and admittedly this all works out ok. Then my dad brings up getting something to eat once we're back in the car, but he's shooting down everyone's ideas. I am silent. Finally this time, my brother blows up and says to just drop him back at the house and he'd eat on his way home.
My other daily anxiety is not unusual for me.. like if I have to go anywhere on any day, I become obsessive not just about being on time but how I want to be dressed by one time to give me time to sit and catch up on internet stuff, then I have to have my shoes and socks by a certain time because Heaven forbid I not have 15-20 minutes to sit down again before leaving. Basically I don't want to be rushed, but I plan and re-plan the time over and over. I get obsessive about meals and chores and asked to have dinner at a certain time today because if my parents decide to take me to the 6:30 meeting my mom will cook when I am there, and my food tonight was different and I didn't know exactly how to tell her to cook it. I was already panicking over on how to cook part of it without getting in the way of any other part of the meal. But most people don't understand this kind of thinking. They don't know that when I say I am having thoughts about drinking, I don't mean thinking a drink would be good.. or getting drunk would be good. It's agonizing about if I can find a window of time where my mom is asleep or both of them are out, if you can see my bedroom window from the front camera (pretty sure you can't), if I can get the window open (it seems stuck), if I can crawl out the window and avoid any areas covered by cameras, if I can get to and from the liquor store in time, and where I can hide the vodka. Actually drinking it is another set of thoughts. These basically run on repeat when there's nothing more pressing to fixate on.
But what I talked to the therapist about today (and what I intended to write about) is about basically feeling trapped.. and the trust issues involved. I told him that there are security cameras that cover both doors and the driveway. Last night I was mildly upset because I offered to take the recycling out (because my insane obsessing was convinced it was being picked up today and so I should offer), and when I got back inside I saw my Dad open the website or whatever to check the cameras. As soon as I came back in. I am a month sober and I was outside for like 2-3 minutes? So I can't leave the house without them knowing. He asked something about going to meetings and if they questioned if I was going. I explained that they drive me to the meetings and sit outside in their car until I am done. That is another issue with getting a sponsor.. how do I convince them to let me go early or stay late without either them spending more time sitting there (which means guilt) or somehow finding someone to give me a ride and risk being questioned or silently watched and suspected. My therapist mentioned buying a breathalyzer, but I am not convinced that's progress? This whole talk left me thinking about how maybe I should hide some of the locked up pills so that I don't have to count on them to give them to me if i give up and decide to leave and kill myself.. so basically my thinking is worse now.
I know it's an issue of trust, and I don't deserve any trust.. but I don't know how to regain it if I am never anywhere alone? I mean yes.. if I could drink without consquences.. or less consequences honestly, I would. But some of that is because I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like living this way is a great way to make me crazier so when I start applying for jobs, I am unable to function. As it is, the suicidal thoughts are very present. I have been purging again. I just feel empty and hopeless. I don't know how I am ever go from this to a reasonable, independent life again. I am not going to right more of why I believe that because 1. you can't convince me of anything else and 2. I don't need to spend more time thinking about it.
There's more I meant to write about but don't have energy for.. so I will be around soon.
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