Frustrations

I am struggling with a lot at the moment. I am struggling with the only times I leave the house being IOP, AA, or errands/meals with my parents. I feel very trapped. I feel like life has no purpose. I want to be able to just go for a walk or run to a store and wander around. I used to try to go out regularly when I lived alone because it helped with my mood and my anxiety. Somehow AA where I never talk and IOP (which I will go into shortly) don't seem to make a dent in this stir crazy, trapped feeling.

IOP.. I don't really know what to think of it. I guess I don't think it's helping? I am just not sure if that's my fault or a problem with the group. The group is basically just checking in by answering a series of questions (mostly about if we're going to meetings, doing readings, etc), then people present assignments (worksheets), and then we usually watch a video of some kind. I guess this seems to be working for other people, but I don't think it's helping me because alcohol was more a symptom than the cause of my problems. I have so much other crap in my head that I don't get any chance to talk about. Like the fact that I have quickly replaced alcoholism with a relapse into bulimia.. or that I am obsessing over plans to get alcohol or self harm or attempt suicide or to buy laxatives. Like I say I am thinking about drinking, and the therapist knows I have an eating disorder but I don't feel comfortable mentioning it in group.. I feel like any time I try to describe my mood and the shit in my head that I am going on to long and everyone is just staring.

Then today I had an individual session with the therapist. I don't really remember what I said at the beginning, but it led to a question about if other diagnoses had been discussed with me (and I knew where that was going).. and as he started to mention Axis II diagnoses I interrupted and said that borderline personality disorder has been mentioned. He talked about that and DBT and how I should look into that.. and I said that the DBT therapists wouldn't take me because of the drinking. I was thinking that it really isn't something I intend to tackle without a therapist of some kind or a group. I don't know the conversation about me looking into resources was frustrating because with no insurance, I can't really get any other help. The reason I am doing this IOP still is because it's all I can get. I mean I can talk to my caseworker, but I don't think I can really get much more help. That's why I am trying to sort through the shit in my head on my own. That's probably why I am getting worse.

He also brought up me needing to get a sponsor. I had explained last week about what happened with my last 2 sponsors, and so he said I need to work on my trust issues. Today I had to try to explain the part where she later told me she could only love me from a distance and leave me in God's hands.. which basically meant that she can't even talk to me now. So I have issues finding a sponsor when I seem to be toxic and hurt anyone who gets close to me in the program. I also am not 100% committed to recovery because quite frankly given the opportunity I would prefer to go back to drinking myself to death.. and so the steps and this IOP assume that someone is ready to give it up.. and I don't know that I am because I don't really have healthy coping skills.. that's why the bulimia was so easy to go back to. But I said I would find a sponsor because I don't want to be kicked out of IOP because my parents will be angry.

Oh and after this session.. our group today half consisted of going to some BBQ held by the treatment place... and I had previously expressed my desire not to go. I mean being vegetarian I don't like a room that smells like hotdogs and being bulimic I have a lot of anxiety being around lots of food and being crazy I have serious anxiety around strangers. So I awkardly stood around and decided to eat nothing and then sat at a table and played with my phone (looking at eating disorder websites) until we could leave. Then I walked to the grocery store because I had time to kill before another appointment. I wandered around and looked at food.. I looked at wine.. I ended up buying laxatives, a Pepsi Max, and a protein bar and then walked back. I get back and my caseworker was out sick, and nobody had called to tell me.. so I had to reschedule and call my mom to come get me. I had honestly wanted to see my caseworker to try to tell someone some of this. I guess not.

So that is a fraction of the things I am dealing with. There are other things that I don't have energy to go into tonight. I have to have enough crazy problems to occupy my mind while I am awake, right?