Day after day

I am sorry I haven't updated recently. I don't know what to say. I am really struggling with the idea that I am doing a little better because I don't entirely want to feel better. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to have everyone thinking I am better when my head is still fucked up.

I am still in IOP. It is so repetitive and honestly frustrating. There are various worksheets that get assigned. I hate worksheets. I also really disliked that some are 12 step based and ask questions about steps I am not ready for. I got stuck working on one that had questions about how and why I turned my will and life over to a higher power. I said that I am not ready to do that. I believe in god, but I have issues with the idea of a relationship with god. The therapist gave me some bs about writing a letter to a higher power or acting like there is some ideal god.. and I decided to basically write the answers with my parents and my treatment team as the higher power because really that's what is forcing me to do all this recovery shit. I got feedback complimenting my honesty and sticking to my beliefs. I don't know.

I want to drink. I want to self destruct. I have hidden pills in my room just in case. I am still purging and spending hours each day on eating disorder websites. I obsess over wanting alcohol and over food. I am sick of it.

I finally had to get a sponsor because it is required for IOP. It's honestly so stressful keeping up with the little things she tells me to read or do.

I am really only doing IOP (3x week), meetings (everyday), seeing my case worker (weekly), and then reading and writing and running errands with my parents... but it's so much? Add in hours online and endless pacing to get exercise. Oh and walking to the grocery store for laxatives. I got a call Monday about setting up a job interview, and I panicked. I  was scared of what would happen if I added a job. But I am broke too. All I have is one credit card to use. I got some cash to keep as a just in case. I didn't call back about the job, but I did return another call about my disability application.. because I think that's a better bet. My sponsor seemed to agree after I tried to explain it all to her. Basically, I don't want to look for work until I am done with IOP.

I don't know. I am over 2 months sober and out of the hospital, which is a record for the past year. I sent a picture of my 2 month chip to my ex sponsor and my friend B because I haven't talked to them.. well since my ex sponsor basically said she couldn't talk to me.. that was in November. I still think I would take any chance I could to drink. I am just telling myself that it will be easier when I earn a little more trust. My parents are finally trusting me to go out to dinner and leave me home. Only I binged and purged instead of going to the liquor store when they did.

So that was a lot of randomness. I apologize. It's late, but I wanted to write something.