I feel like since this past weekend it has become much more apparent that I am not doing so well. I mean I had a sense last week that things were going downhill, but I was generally feeling ok sometimes. Since the huge fight my parents had Saturday, I just haven't bounced back.
The most obvious thing is that I have been purging at least once a day. I'm not binging, but any large meal makes me feel so fat and gross and I end up purging or taking laxatives. It's at the point where I am using laxatives 2-3 time a week (although no more than the max dose) and vomiting daily. Today I ate lunch with my mom. When I got home, I waited until my mom went to take a nap and then purged like 4 times because I couldn't get everything up. Now my throat is sore and my face feels all puffy. Logically, I know the solution is to eat less.. but I am just continuing to stress eat. I know my head is not in a great place because I am eating a lot when no one is watching because I know it's emotional eating and not because of hunger. I also know that a lot of the stress causing this is just my parents and the fear that any little thing will cause another argument, and I don't like conflict.
The depression is also very present. I feel like I am sinking sometimes. I really mainly look forward to going to bed at night. I have had urges to OD and to self harm. I have given in to the self harm urges. I have a small stockpile of medication in my room. I am afraid that my parents will get rid of the medications I no longer take, and then I will not have anything if I decide to OD. I justify it by telling myself that it is all my medication. I just am supposed to have a week's worth at a time, and I am not supposed to be able to access what's locked up. Except, I figured out months back what the combination to those locks is, so I went in when nobody was around and got some seroquel and doxepin. I also took some gabapentin to help me sleep on the nights I have trouble. I just need a backup plan. Probably the mixture of the bulimia and screwing around with my meds is not helping my emotional wellbeing.
The issue is that I don't know how to tell anyone all of this. I mean IOP is really mostly for chemical dependency. While he says it's a dual diagnosis program, nobody else seems to have or talk about serious mental health issues. I don't know what's appropriate to discuss. I don't want to trigger anyone. I also don't want to get kicked out for being too sick or have them tell my parents (which they could if they think I am a danger to myself). I see a case worker but haven't talked about how bad things really are because it's been a couple weeks since I have seen her. This week she was out sick, so of course I get to wait another week. I just know realistically that I don't have insurance, so I am stuck with whatever care they offer. That is basically IOP for alcohol and my case worker for 30 minutes every week or two. I doubt they will offer anything unless I am in crisis, and I don't think this is a crisis?
In AA, I really speak very little about anything. I have been texting my sponsor, but the last time I spoke to her was when she called because she was struggling. I have spoken a little with one other girl who goes to the later meetings. Yesterday was the first time I spoke in a meeting that she was there for (and my 2nd time talking overall). She said that was great. Today she was there and asked how I was doing. I said I was struggling, but I didn't know what to say when she asked what was going on. I don't want to unload all this on someone I barely know especially when it is not about alcohol. She did ask for my phone number and gave me hers. I don't think she would judge me, but I was just too worn out tonight to try to explain any of this. With my sponsor, I don't know what the place of all this is. AA is really about alcohol. Mental health is rarely discussed in meetings or literature. That means I don't know if I should discuss it. I have had someone basically say I need to work the steps for my eating disorder separate (and previously that was what was said for the self harm). So I have never done the full 12 steps for any of these things, and it's overwhelming to consider doing that once. I think part of what didn't work the last time in rehab was trying to work the steps and be fully honest about my alcoholism but also have to hide the extent of the depression (because I would have been sent to another hospital and have to stop working on the steps for the alcohol).
Really, I want to drink. I daily contemplate drinking the rubbing alcohol that my dad bought. I just don't want to risk having to either 1. admit it in IOP and have to explain to my parents why I am either in IOP longer or have them recommend residential and have to explain that or 2. Lie about it for the rest of my time in IOP and probably get no benefit. So now I just have it in my head that if I drink it will probably be as part of a suicide attempt. I don't think I am quite there, but I am trying to think of how/when I could at least buy the vodka.. that way I would have it when it gets to that point. Or if it gets to that point.. I am just exhausted and feeling hopeless. I feel like I just need a few days to sleep and be alone and maybe get back to where I have the energy for life.
I'm sorry to hear you've not been doing so great. Having to walk on eggshells around parents and feeling like you have to isolate further to avoid conflict can be such a massive trigger, for me as well.
ReplyDelete'Crisis' is hard to define. But from the sounds of it, you are really at risk. The purging/laxatives, the depression and your stockpile (although I can relate to having a stockpile of meds 'just in case'. It's like having a strange form of safety net.), feeling hopeless and exhausted. Even if you don't have a plan, I really worry that you seem at risk for suicide. I know you're not sure if they'll offer anything if you're not in crisis, but I really hope you can talk to them about what's going on and see if they think if you're in crisis. A lot of the time, I don't think we see it ourselves and need a professional opinion (the whole thinking "it's not THAT bad" thing, which we can tend to tell ourselves even at our worst points).
And I know it's not easy, by any means, but please try to be careful with the laxatives. Even taking the recommended dose so often can really fuck things up when you try to stop.