Honesty

Sorry I am not updating much. Things are just always the same. I don't have a lot going on.

I wanted to complain and get an opinion (if anyone feels like commenting) about an issue I have encountered with IOP. We have assignments we are given to work on. One of them is this packet that asks a bunch of questions about your family, your childhood, your work, etc. It's kind of a life history. I actually appreciate this having so many questions because that is easier for me than to just have to explain what my life is like. Particularly explaining my family is challenging because on the surface they are a normal loving family, but deeper down there's some dysfunction.

So I have pretty much finished the packet, and we present it a bit at a time because of how long it was. Well, every time I have presented a piece someone has commented on or complimented me on my honesty. Except, it started out as compliments on being so honest. Last time a couple people said that I was brutally honest, and I started to wonder if they were trying to tell me it was too much. Today someone actually seemed to say (I can't remember his words) that I was too honest. Except, isn't honesty the point? I mean I am not like giving graphic details of my sex life (which I basically said is non existent and only when I was drinking) or some kind of trauma that might be triggering (I did mention the girl threatening me with a knife in 3rd grade but that's the closest to trauma I have). I haven't given details about self harm or the eating disorder.. only said they were problems. I have mentioned the hospital stays but not really gone into how many I have.. but it's an important part of my life since I have been so many times. So I am kind of unsure what to do about this.

I am naturally an honest person. I hate lying. I used to dissociate in therapy because it was the only way I could be ok with lying so much as a teenager. Through the depression and eating disorder and alcoholism I became a very dishonest person, and I hate that. My thing now in recovery is that I will not force myself to be dishonest. I won't lie and say I am eager about recovery or that I don't want to drink or that I am happy. I do not believe in the whole fake it till you make it concept because I spent so many of my younger years pretending I was fine. Now I am allowing myself to not be ok. Part of that is that I am answering questions honestly. I told the therapist for group upfront that I was largely sober because of the cameras around my parents yard and them supervising me. I have admitted that I still want to drink and that I am sober because of the consequences drinking would have. Maybe that's what I am not supposed to say? I just hated when I was in rehab that everyone said they were so happy to be in recovery and they didn't want to drink anymore. I find it hard to believe they were that happy.

I recently heard someone in a meeting say that the "alcoholic who is still suffering" doesn't always mean the ones that still drink. People suffer in sobriety. People kill themselves in sobriety (I was sober I think when I attempted last year). That shit in our heads has to come out for it to go away.. or that's my belief. So I don't see the problem with being brutally honest? I guess I will ask the therapist to be sure that I didn't say anything bad. I have had several talks with my sponsor about how mental health issues are not always talked about by people in the program. I think of my drinking as secondary.. the mental health problems started first, so I feel I have to talk about them. Depression and anxiety will drive me back to drinking if I don't acknowledge them. And right now, I am not ok. I don't have time to explain that now, but I am not doing well. I am sober, but I am struggling.. so fuck anyone who is bothered by my honesty. Several others did say they appreciate it because it prompts them to look at themselves. Maybe some people just don't want to do that? But it's the point of treatment. Anyways.. I just needed to vent