I have one on one sessions with the therapist from IOP each week in addition to group 3 days a week. I've seriously been questioning why I am doing this because the group isn't all that helpful. Basically we come in every time and go through a list of check in questions, then people present any assignments they've been given (which are the same for everyone, not individualized), then usually we watch some video downloaded from the internet about some therapy topic like shame, communication, and I tune them out too much to remember. So far only one thing was a new concept for me, and the rest have been pretty familiar.
Last week in my individual session, I ended up explaining to him what happened with my last 2 sponsors and how I obviously have trust issues. I didn't seem to get him to understand that it also has to do with my serious social anxiety. It also has to do with my severe anxiety in general. I keep running through how to explain it to someone every morning I go to group, but the blank looks I already get sometime make me think there's no point. But I have noticed that my anxiety is getting worse in a lot of ways. I have been talking in group about how my parents have been arguing and it really bothers me. It makes me feel trapped (more on this later). It makes me feel guilty and ashamed for living here. It makes me feel like my role is to fix it. It makes my world feel unsafe and uncertain. This is all very much the same as when I was a child, but it is complicated by current circumstances. I noticed the anxiety this past weekend when we went to an Irish music festival. My parents had several little blow ups. My mom tried to explain the first to me, which she has always talked to me when there's problems). Then we go to catch the train home. I know that part of my anxiety about the train is that if something goes wrong (we miss it, no seats, we have to wait) my Dad might get upset.. so I get anxious because I know it might happen. Well, he finds some seats to wait and gestures for us all to come over because for some reason he had been wanting to know where we were at all times. I sit but I know it's obvious on my face that I am near tears. My mom asks why, and I say that I think we need to be standing because there's more and more people coming to wait for the same train. So she tells my dad and brother that I think they should stand.. and I get to stand and anxiously think about the train.. and about changing trains.. and admittedly this all works out ok. Then my dad brings up getting something to eat once we're back in the car, but he's shooting down everyone's ideas. I am silent. Finally this time, my brother blows up and says to just drop him back at the house and he'd eat on his way home.
My other daily anxiety is not unusual for me.. like if I have to go anywhere on any day, I become obsessive not just about being on time but how I want to be dressed by one time to give me time to sit and catch up on internet stuff, then I have to have my shoes and socks by a certain time because Heaven forbid I not have 15-20 minutes to sit down again before leaving. Basically I don't want to be rushed, but I plan and re-plan the time over and over. I get obsessive about meals and chores and asked to have dinner at a certain time today because if my parents decide to take me to the 6:30 meeting my mom will cook when I am there, and my food tonight was different and I didn't know exactly how to tell her to cook it. I was already panicking over on how to cook part of it without getting in the way of any other part of the meal. But most people don't understand this kind of thinking. They don't know that when I say I am having thoughts about drinking, I don't mean thinking a drink would be good.. or getting drunk would be good. It's agonizing about if I can find a window of time where my mom is asleep or both of them are out, if you can see my bedroom window from the front camera (pretty sure you can't), if I can get the window open (it seems stuck), if I can crawl out the window and avoid any areas covered by cameras, if I can get to and from the liquor store in time, and where I can hide the vodka. Actually drinking it is another set of thoughts. These basically run on repeat when there's nothing more pressing to fixate on.
But what I talked to the therapist about today (and what I intended to write about) is about basically feeling trapped.. and the trust issues involved. I told him that there are security cameras that cover both doors and the driveway. Last night I was mildly upset because I offered to take the recycling out (because my insane obsessing was convinced it was being picked up today and so I should offer), and when I got back inside I saw my Dad open the website or whatever to check the cameras. As soon as I came back in. I am a month sober and I was outside for like 2-3 minutes? So I can't leave the house without them knowing. He asked something about going to meetings and if they questioned if I was going. I explained that they drive me to the meetings and sit outside in their car until I am done. That is another issue with getting a sponsor.. how do I convince them to let me go early or stay late without either them spending more time sitting there (which means guilt) or somehow finding someone to give me a ride and risk being questioned or silently watched and suspected. My therapist mentioned buying a breathalyzer, but I am not convinced that's progress? This whole talk left me thinking about how maybe I should hide some of the locked up pills so that I don't have to count on them to give them to me if i give up and decide to leave and kill myself.. so basically my thinking is worse now.
I know it's an issue of trust, and I don't deserve any trust.. but I don't know how to regain it if I am never anywhere alone? I mean yes.. if I could drink without consquences.. or less consequences honestly, I would. But some of that is because I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like living this way is a great way to make me crazier so when I start applying for jobs, I am unable to function. As it is, the suicidal thoughts are very present. I have been purging again. I just feel empty and hopeless. I don't know how I am ever go from this to a reasonable, independent life again. I am not going to right more of why I believe that because 1. you can't convince me of anything else and 2. I don't need to spend more time thinking about it.
There's more I meant to write about but don't have energy for.. so I will be around soon.
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