Ulterior motives

So I have probably told similar stories to this before. Those times where I have done something seemingly innocent or even actually helpful. Except, alcohol has fucked up my life so much that there is very frequently an ulterior motive. It may be as simple as to make up for my previous behavior and hopefully make myself seem less worthless. It might also be one of these weird alcoholic problems that I agonize over for days before coming up with a twisted solution.

Ok.. so a few days prior to my hospital admission at the end of January I went to the liquor store. I bought a bottle of vodka.. I thought i bought a handle (1.75 liters). I know I filled 2 water bottles with vodka. I drank one that night, and I drank the other one February 5th when I got home. Except, that amount would not account for the whole bottle.. and what I had been doing recently is hiding bottles in the ground cover plants by the driveway/garage outside the house. Then when I had a chance, I would go outside and get them and refill the water bottles I had inside. That way if my parents found the bottles in the house, the main stash was safe outside.

The problem is.. I vaguely remember hiding it. I actually do remember thinking that I should take a photo of the hiding place in case I did get hospitalized and forgot where it was. I didn't. Then I get home in February, and my parents put up a security camera that covers most of the driveway, so I couldn't just go out and look very easily.. because I also didn't know if my parents had found the bottle already and so walking into the plants and looking around would be more suspicious than it would normally look. I watched my dad watching the cameras to figure out the spots not covered.. and would do something like take out the garbage and go briefly look.

I couldn't find it.

I tried this several times and gave up. Except a couple days ago my mom mentions trimming plants and other yard work. I become paranoid that she will cut the plants and find the bottle, and I agonized over how to explain it or make an excuse or handle this.

So yesterday, I volunteer to help.. also because I was feeling worthless and didn't want her to think I was lazy for going inside. We trimmed some plants along the fence. I helped. I asked my dad if we were doing those plants by the driveway, and he said I could if I wanted. So I got to walk through the plants and trim things while my parents were on another side of the house. I STILL haven't found a bottle. This means either it isn't there.. and I felt like my parents would have seemed more suspicious of my working over there if they knew I hid bottles there. Or it still is, but it is less likely to be found by my parents any time soon.

So this is basically totally pointless except to let you see the sort of bizarre troubles alcoholism gets you into.