Outside issues

I feel like since this past weekend it has become much more apparent that I am not doing so well. I mean I had a sense last week that things were going downhill, but I was generally feeling ok sometimes. Since the huge fight my parents had Saturday, I just haven't bounced back.

The most obvious thing is that I have been purging at least once a day. I'm not binging, but any large meal makes me feel so fat and gross and I end up purging or taking laxatives. It's at the point where I am using laxatives 2-3 time a week (although no more than the max dose) and vomiting daily. Today I ate lunch with my mom. When I got home, I waited until my mom went to take a nap and then purged like 4 times because I couldn't get everything up. Now my throat is sore and my face feels all puffy. Logically, I know the solution is to eat less.. but I am just continuing to stress eat. I know my head is not in a great place because I am eating a lot when no one is watching because I know it's emotional eating and not because of hunger. I also know that a lot of the stress causing this is just my parents and the fear that any little thing will cause another argument, and I don't like conflict.

The depression is also very present. I feel like I am sinking sometimes. I really mainly look forward to going to bed at night. I have had urges to OD and to self harm. I have given in to the self harm urges. I have a small stockpile of medication in my room. I am afraid that my parents will get rid of the medications I no longer take, and then I will not have anything if I decide to OD. I justify it by telling myself that it is all my medication. I just am supposed to have a week's worth at a time, and I am not supposed to be able to access what's locked up. Except, I figured out months back what the combination to those locks is, so I went in when nobody was around and got some seroquel and doxepin. I also took some gabapentin to help me sleep on the nights I have trouble. I just need a backup plan. Probably the mixture of the bulimia and screwing around with my meds is not helping my emotional wellbeing.

The issue is that I don't know how to tell anyone all of this. I mean IOP is really mostly for chemical dependency. While he says it's a dual diagnosis program, nobody else seems to have or talk about serious mental health issues. I don't know what's appropriate to discuss. I don't want to trigger anyone. I also don't want to get kicked out for being too sick or have them tell my parents (which they could if they think I am a danger to myself). I see a case worker but haven't talked about how bad things really are because it's been a couple weeks since I have seen her. This week she was out sick, so of course I get to wait another week. I just know realistically that I don't have insurance, so I am stuck with whatever care they offer. That is basically IOP for alcohol and my case worker for 30 minutes every week or two. I doubt they will offer anything unless I am in crisis, and I don't think this is a crisis?

In AA, I really speak very little about anything. I have been texting my sponsor, but the last time I spoke to her was when she called because she was struggling. I have spoken a little with one other girl who goes to the later meetings. Yesterday was the first time I spoke in a meeting that she was there for (and my 2nd time talking overall). She said that was great. Today she was there and asked how I was doing. I said I was struggling, but I didn't know what to say when she asked what was going on. I don't want to unload all this on someone I barely know especially when it is not about alcohol. She did ask for my phone number and gave me hers. I don't think she would judge me, but I was just too worn out tonight to try to explain any of this. With my sponsor, I don't know what the place of all this is. AA is really about alcohol. Mental health is rarely discussed in meetings or literature. That means I don't know if I should discuss it. I have had someone basically say I need to work the steps for my eating disorder separate (and previously that was what was said for the self harm). So I have never done the full 12 steps for any of these things, and it's overwhelming to consider doing that once. I think part of what didn't work the last time in rehab was trying to work the steps and be fully honest about my alcoholism but also have to hide the extent of the depression (because I would have been sent to another hospital and have to stop working on the steps for the alcohol).

Really, I want to drink. I daily contemplate drinking the rubbing alcohol that my dad bought. I just don't want to risk having to either 1. admit it in IOP and have to explain to my parents why I am either in IOP longer or have them recommend residential and have to explain that or 2. Lie about it for the rest of my time in IOP and probably get no benefit. So now I just have it in my head that if I drink it will probably be as part of a suicide attempt. I don't think I am quite there, but I am trying to think of how/when I could at least buy the vodka.. that way I would have it when it gets to that point. Or if it gets to that point.. I am just exhausted and feeling hopeless. I feel like I just need a few days to sleep and be alone and maybe get back to where I have the energy for life.

Honesty

Sorry I am not updating much. Things are just always the same. I don't have a lot going on.

I wanted to complain and get an opinion (if anyone feels like commenting) about an issue I have encountered with IOP. We have assignments we are given to work on. One of them is this packet that asks a bunch of questions about your family, your childhood, your work, etc. It's kind of a life history. I actually appreciate this having so many questions because that is easier for me than to just have to explain what my life is like. Particularly explaining my family is challenging because on the surface they are a normal loving family, but deeper down there's some dysfunction.

So I have pretty much finished the packet, and we present it a bit at a time because of how long it was. Well, every time I have presented a piece someone has commented on or complimented me on my honesty. Except, it started out as compliments on being so honest. Last time a couple people said that I was brutally honest, and I started to wonder if they were trying to tell me it was too much. Today someone actually seemed to say (I can't remember his words) that I was too honest. Except, isn't honesty the point? I mean I am not like giving graphic details of my sex life (which I basically said is non existent and only when I was drinking) or some kind of trauma that might be triggering (I did mention the girl threatening me with a knife in 3rd grade but that's the closest to trauma I have). I haven't given details about self harm or the eating disorder.. only said they were problems. I have mentioned the hospital stays but not really gone into how many I have.. but it's an important part of my life since I have been so many times. So I am kind of unsure what to do about this.

I am naturally an honest person. I hate lying. I used to dissociate in therapy because it was the only way I could be ok with lying so much as a teenager. Through the depression and eating disorder and alcoholism I became a very dishonest person, and I hate that. My thing now in recovery is that I will not force myself to be dishonest. I won't lie and say I am eager about recovery or that I don't want to drink or that I am happy. I do not believe in the whole fake it till you make it concept because I spent so many of my younger years pretending I was fine. Now I am allowing myself to not be ok. Part of that is that I am answering questions honestly. I told the therapist for group upfront that I was largely sober because of the cameras around my parents yard and them supervising me. I have admitted that I still want to drink and that I am sober because of the consequences drinking would have. Maybe that's what I am not supposed to say? I just hated when I was in rehab that everyone said they were so happy to be in recovery and they didn't want to drink anymore. I find it hard to believe they were that happy.

I recently heard someone in a meeting say that the "alcoholic who is still suffering" doesn't always mean the ones that still drink. People suffer in sobriety. People kill themselves in sobriety (I was sober I think when I attempted last year). That shit in our heads has to come out for it to go away.. or that's my belief. So I don't see the problem with being brutally honest? I guess I will ask the therapist to be sure that I didn't say anything bad. I have had several talks with my sponsor about how mental health issues are not always talked about by people in the program. I think of my drinking as secondary.. the mental health problems started first, so I feel I have to talk about them. Depression and anxiety will drive me back to drinking if I don't acknowledge them. And right now, I am not ok. I don't have time to explain that now, but I am not doing well. I am sober, but I am struggling.. so fuck anyone who is bothered by my honesty. Several others did say they appreciate it because it prompts them to look at themselves. Maybe some people just don't want to do that? But it's the point of treatment. Anyways.. I just needed to vent

Day after day

I am sorry I haven't updated recently. I don't know what to say. I am really struggling with the idea that I am doing a little better because I don't entirely want to feel better. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to have everyone thinking I am better when my head is still fucked up.

I am still in IOP. It is so repetitive and honestly frustrating. There are various worksheets that get assigned. I hate worksheets. I also really disliked that some are 12 step based and ask questions about steps I am not ready for. I got stuck working on one that had questions about how and why I turned my will and life over to a higher power. I said that I am not ready to do that. I believe in god, but I have issues with the idea of a relationship with god. The therapist gave me some bs about writing a letter to a higher power or acting like there is some ideal god.. and I decided to basically write the answers with my parents and my treatment team as the higher power because really that's what is forcing me to do all this recovery shit. I got feedback complimenting my honesty and sticking to my beliefs. I don't know.

I want to drink. I want to self destruct. I have hidden pills in my room just in case. I am still purging and spending hours each day on eating disorder websites. I obsess over wanting alcohol and over food. I am sick of it.

I finally had to get a sponsor because it is required for IOP. It's honestly so stressful keeping up with the little things she tells me to read or do.

I am really only doing IOP (3x week), meetings (everyday), seeing my case worker (weekly), and then reading and writing and running errands with my parents... but it's so much? Add in hours online and endless pacing to get exercise. Oh and walking to the grocery store for laxatives. I got a call Monday about setting up a job interview, and I panicked. I  was scared of what would happen if I added a job. But I am broke too. All I have is one credit card to use. I got some cash to keep as a just in case. I didn't call back about the job, but I did return another call about my disability application.. because I think that's a better bet. My sponsor seemed to agree after I tried to explain it all to her. Basically, I don't want to look for work until I am done with IOP.

I don't know. I am over 2 months sober and out of the hospital, which is a record for the past year. I sent a picture of my 2 month chip to my ex sponsor and my friend B because I haven't talked to them.. well since my ex sponsor basically said she couldn't talk to me.. that was in November. I still think I would take any chance I could to drink. I am just telling myself that it will be easier when I earn a little more trust. My parents are finally trusting me to go out to dinner and leave me home. Only I binged and purged instead of going to the liquor store when they did.

So that was a lot of randomness. I apologize. It's late, but I wanted to write something.