Feeling selfish

I fully understand that I have no right to be upset about this or anything really. I just also am exhausted and not sleeping well and my mental health is questionable at best. But anyway...

My parents are basically buying my brother a car. A used car.. and I guess he is going to pay them back eventually. His car is an old one that they actually gave him when my dad bought a newer one. It's falling apart and they decided rather than pay for the repairs to buy a cheap used car to replace it, so he has a reliable car to get to work.

I am frustrated because it just brings up all the thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I have been working for 7 months and I don't have enough to buy a car. I would never ask my parents to help given I wrecked the last car. I also owe my parents thousands for rent and bills they helped with when I was unemployed. I just know I can't live on what I make right now, and I can't really look for a better job until I have a car because I don't want my parents to have to drive me further. I also don't know if I can handle another job. I get so anxious thinking about the possibility of having tons wake up early because I struggle to get up by 10 these days.

Then I have the anxiety that my parents are looking at houses because they are planning to buy a house this year. I can't bring myself to ask if I can still stay with them if I haven't sorted out a better job or figured out how to support myself by then. I don't know how to voice any of this fear to them because I don't think they will understand. I also have so much guilt about how I ended up in this situation. I don't know how to explain how lost I feel.

So I am scared and a little angry. I just want a break from people, so I can stop pretending that I am fine. I don't want to hear about my brother's car. I don't want to look at pictures of the houses my parents might buy that I don't know if I can live in.. that I don't really want to live in. I want out. I am not ready to be on my own, but this isn't a healthy place for me. I feel like if I can't get all my shit together, why try? For now I am just trying to shut out the thoughts.

Brief update

I will update on how today went since if you read my last post I was very worried about it. Honestly, it was about as good as I could expect. I kept my job. Honestly only the one supervisor who I had vented to both days I went home is the only one who asked about it. She asked if I was doing better and had gotten enough sleep. I kind of laughed and said better but not sleeping well. I think I was a bit bitter because the last 2 nights I have had awful nightmares. Including one that was like a nightmare inside another nightmare where I was trying to sleep and having dreams about being at work and being attacked by dogs and all sorts of bad scenarios, then I would seemingly wake up in my bed screaming or fall out of bed. I only know it's a dream because I know I would actually have woken my parents and gotten a response if i screamed. In the dream, it just kept happening. Last night.. I don't really remember the dreams but they were bad and repeatedly woke me up. Anyway, so I otherwise just kept working, and I ordered pizza for everyone because it makes me feel better about being an awful person. Then later I went up front and the 2 assistant managers and my supervisor were all there.. having a very odd conversation that had nothing to do with work or me. When it finally stopped, I said quietly to the supervisor that the real answer is I am doing better and my parents are home from vacation so I am safe. It seemed to click that I had mentioned that they were going out of town before all this. I didn't really elaborate on why that's such a problem.. but I think it was a better answer. I honestly just wanted to say that I'm safe, which is not 100% true... but I don't want them worried. I mean I am as safe as before.. and as safe as usual. My parents being around gives me the primarily self imposed idea that I have to keep up appearances. That means sleeping at normal hours, eating normal meals, and being social and talkative and reasonably happy (that's the part that's self  imposed). It also means there is someone in the house that would be upset if I went through with any of the elaborate plans my head comes up with. I mean I know on some level they would be upset even if they were in California and came home to find out I died or was missing, but when the thoughts are bed it only helps to know that they are in the house. They will notice much sooner if I disappear (since all the current plans tend to involve running away so they don't find my body in their house). 

From there, the day was only stressful in normal ways. I did get asked once if I was OK when I sat down at a table with someone else who was not present for me breaking down and going on about how depressed and exhausted I was.. but she's a supervisor and would surely know that I left those days. She may just have been asking because I looked tired, but I don't know. The other time was when I showed them (actually I guess both her and the manager asked this time) the long scratch I now have on my face from the dog. At that point, I think they have to ask in case I decide to sue or something over a superficial scratch. I got smacked in the face by a golden retriever.. it's not the first time I've been hit by a dog.. it was just annoying. But I survived the day with no other comments. I work again tomorrow with different people, so I am still worried about comments. I just feel better because I assume if I was being fired they would have done it or said something today. I just hope I can sleep tonight without any nightmares. 

Sorry that wasn't as brief as planned

Mental breakdown

So I haven't posted in forever. I have been slowly going downhill. I feel like my life is going nowhere because I can't afford a car or an apartment. I probably will need to change jobs to be able to. I can't figure out what I am even capable of.

Then my parents left town. I drank the first day. The second day I went to work, and I was just too tired and depressed. I opened up about it when my supervisor asked how I was doing. I said I needed a mental health day. They let me go home, and I just spent the day in bed drinking and occasionally trying to eat. I was so suicidal, and I was just laying there thinking of calling a crisis line. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't eat more than a few bites before it was exhausting. I guess I slept.

I went to work the next day and ended up going home. I basically said if I could go without getting fired, I needed to leave. My supervisor let me and asked someone to drive me. I said I didn't need a ride and made an excuse. I really needed to go to the liquor store. I bought 2 more bottles and took Lyft home. I stayed in bed crying.

I am not scheduled again until tomorrow. I am seriously hoping they don't fire me. I have only gone home sick once in 7 months before this, and some people call in almost weekly. I am managing to stay out of bed since my parents came back. Mentally, I am still very bad. My job keeps me going. I want to just go back and not talk about it. I want my parents not to ask anything if they noticed. I want to pretend it's ok because that's the only way I can function. My parents would blame it all on alcohol, but I have been suicidal off and on for weeks. I just am struggling to function and alcohol drowns the thoughts. I couldn't keep fighting without a break. I guess I will update tomorrow with what happens. I will tell them I am ok now and safe. That's mostly true. Then I will fake ok and safe