Honesty

I know I have not written in a while. I felt like I was just repeating myself. We have been in the new house since August, but they haven't actually finished moving out of the old house. Like Wednesday I got surprised with having to go and take at least a dozen wagons full of branches from the bushes my dad decided to cut down (that were there when they moved in 20+ years ago) but couldn't actually handle the effort. My mom bitched about him all day, so I really don't think anyone can judge me for drinking.

So I went to therapy and said a lot I haven't told her. I mentioned that I had a close friend in high school during my really suicidal time that was in a car accident and had brain damage. I still carry the guilt of only seeing her once in the hospital. I helped paint her nails. She was totally not mentally there. I mentioned it while saying that I listen to music and watch shows repeatedly for comfort. She and her other friend in art class got me hooked on Bright Eyes... Which I have to limit listening to because I associate them with those friends and my plan to kill myself that summer.

Then I basically explained how I read something recently that there's no bad reason to keep living. It is mainly my cats these days. My goal in life is to be a crazy cat lady. I want to rescue animals. I have accepted I probably won't have kids. I actually explained the few guys I dated. One tried to pressure me into making out and made me feel uncomfortable. The second I went on 3 dates and had terrible sex with. Then he never asked me out again. The last one I only saw for sex, and I had to be drunk to do it.. and it was never fun. So I finally decided to give up on dating or sex. I feel empowered that asexual is now a valid sexuality, and it isn't just a symptom of mental illness. I am not opposed to dating, but it's my last priority.

Anyway... It was way more than I have ever shared. It was kind of cathartic. It was proof I am still working on myself. There is so much introspection that is silent and too deep to share, but I told her a lot. I am trying. I am just mainly clinging to any little thing of value in my life because anything is a reason to go on.

But if uploading works, here is my baby boy with a tiny pumpkin. That's a reason to live, right?