Seriously WTF? AA bitches and boundaries...

Still been crazy, and avoiding this place. Sorry I didn't respond to comments. I meant to. It isn't that I'm not writing and not getting things out. I'm sharing things in a less healthy place than this where I worry less about what I say.

Anyway.. so I went to AA today. The women's meeting Saturdays is one of the only ones I go to these days. The topic was a reading from a daily reflections book. It was about control and holding onto things. There was part that basically said that by holding onto fears and resentments we are not able to accept help being offered. By not being open we cannot accept what God can give us.. or worded differently.

And I'm sitting there thinking about the eating disorder, and the fact that I've been holding onto it and onto the fear of telling people and a lot of other fears. And by doing this I can't accept any sort of help or support because nobody even knows what is going on or how bad it is. I still wasn't sure if it was ok to talk about because it's not alcohol related, but I really have gotten sick of people complimenting me on the weight loss. This is in part because I have trouble responding. A guy at school said "You look like you've lost a lot of weight" and I said Yeah.. and I realized after that I'm supposed to thank him.. but I didn't think about it at the time because I know I'm sick. I texted my friend sitting next to me and asked if I could share this, and she said it was fine.

I basically said that I tried to control my fears by drinking even though that made no sense and it didn't work. When I stopped drinking, the fears were still there, and I tried to stop them. I said I tried to stop them by not eating for days at a time.. I was not going to mention the bulimia, and probably won't because people ask questions about that one. Afterwards, I started crying. My sponsor patted me on the back and told me to breathe.

Well, after the meeting a woman comes up to me and asks how much weight I've lost. I tell her around 50 pounds. She says I look really good. After a little bit, I tell my sponsor, and I tell her that after what I shared it is not fucking ok to ask that and compliment me on that. So my sponsor makes me tell the woman that.. and the woman apologizes. And she still says a bunch of insensitive shit about how she's trying to lose weigh and she used amphetamines and the past and that helped and how she hasn't been able to get below 200lbs now and can't eat all these different foods, and it was ridiculous. She said she cares and I should lose it in a healthy way, and I just nodded a lot until she stopped talking.

She also asked how she could compliment me without saying things about my weight. I told her not to. I just don't like it because I'm sick and I'm tired. So yeah.. it's just not ok. The rest of the day was ok-ish. Went shopping. Awkwardly sat and watched my friends eat because I decided not to eat today. Went to a second meeting. Went for a walk/jog. Now I'm off to bed.

An explanation of my absence

I was going to write tonight.. but I really should go to bed. I am going to give a brief explanation of why I'm avoiding writing instead.. there's a couple reasons.
1. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm still working evenings, so I'm not getting home until after 9 pm. I'm not going to bed until after 1am usually.. and at least some of that time has been doing schoolwork and necessary things. Reason 2 will address the rest

2. I'm fucking insane.. well that may be exaggerating? I don't know. We'll go with the eating disorder is bad, and I've been determined to not let this blog become as eating disordered as some I've had in the past.. meaning when I decide to post about therapy or recovery or anything like that I may post it here. When I am indulging the insanity, I am spending my time elsewhere. Lately, the eating disorder is tending to get more worse than better. I am not planning on abandoning the blog, but I just haven't had much to write. If you comment, I will try to answer.

I am still alive though and relatively well. Still going to AA. Spent the last couple evenings at my sponsor's house. Still taking my meds. Seeing my therapist Thursday unfortunately.. haven't made the effort to find someone else yet. Work is going well. I'm improving. School is.. school.

Try a positive post?

Had this random thought that I would try to post some positive things.. you will inevitably hear the bad at some point, but it hasn't changed much.
I think I last posted Thursday.. and Friday I managed to accomplish some things. I saw my doctor, and I actually did not lie when she asked about the eating disorder. I didn't give a lot of detail, but I admitted to the behaviors just not the frequency. I also mentioned being dizzy sometimes. At the end of the appointment one of the papers I got was like my vitals over time.. so like blood pressure over last several appointments and also a graph of my weight. I give her credit. She did ask if I wanted it, and I said it didn't matter since I had a scale at home anyway.

I went to school after to talk to Dr H (my advisor). I had to sit around for a few hours for her to actually be free because she is never free when she says she will be. She had finally read the last 8 pages I gave her, and had some edits.. it wasn't too bad. A lot was stuff I had planned to expand on or have expanded on since. I brought up the issue of my committee form that I needed to be signed and had been avoiding dealing with. The issue was who I was asking.. mainly because I asked the people 3 years ago and hadn't talked about it with them since, so this seemed odd. Also, since then I changed from doing research to doing the paper, and I didn't know if that mattered. Well, I found out prior to talking to Dr H that one of the people who I was possibly going to talk to is going to be out of town for this week and next, so I kinda had to deal with it.
So I did.. I had to hang around another hour.. spent alternating sitting at a computer upstairs and wandering the building because his office light was on but he wasn't there. Finally he got back from lunch, and I talked to him and he signed the form. As did the 3rd person. I didn't expect her to be a problem. Dr B the one going out of town.. is interesting. He's been very nice to me, but has also said some very not nice things to me trying to be helpful. Like telling me I could have done better in a class if I tried harder (which mainly wasn't true) or while I was drinking that the only way I would have a family is that if I got pregnant by some guy in a pub (yes he said it that way). He also told me that at least I wasn't anorexic at one point.. so yeah. But I had mostly never explained why I switched from doing a thesis, and he is friends with Dr H and I would have to come up with an explanation that does not involve my anger over shit with the lab. But he mainly asked about who I was working with and said it was fine and signed it, so all is well.

Also, work is going well. The trainees currently have to send our cases to the toxicologist to review before the reports get sent to the doctors. We get feedback from the toxicologist.. well we are currently splitting our reports between him and 2 others, but his opinion is the one I value because he kinda makes the policies. Anyway of the 20 or so I sent him yesterday he only sent me one correction. Of the first 10 I sent today he sent none. One of the other people is an absolute bitch, but she put great job on my cases from yesterday.. and one of her comments was on something that the toxicologist had told us was ok (and that's the issue with splitting the cases). I'm feeling better because there was a day where I got like 8-9 corrections out of 20-30 cases. Obviously improving, which is good especially since the rules keep changing.

So that's the good. There is bad. And at some point I will get to that, but there is other stuff I really need to be doing rather than writing this..

Hello again

I wanted to update since I know my last posts have been rather bleak.. I have good and bad. That seems to sum up everything lately. As always I supposed there's a trigger warning with this.

So the good first. I am taking my medication again. I didn't really tell my psychiatrist I stopped.. I didn't see a point since he'd probably just say to start. Honestly, I feel like he doesn't listen a lot of the time, so I tend to only tell him things when I feel he needs to do something. But he ordered the new prescriptions, and I picked them up.
Work.. is going ok. I am talking some with my coworkers. We're all in school, so we all bitch about school. It means I'm not as terribly isolated as expected. Also, we did finally write a schedule of sorts.. so I have written down what times I go in and have written down that I unofficially leave at 9pm even though I am welcome to stay later if I want.
I am still sober.. and with the bad weather I did make some meetings last weekend. My sponsor was telling me last Saturday how her boyfriend is working during the week so I am welcome to come over after work and hang out or spend the night. I told her I wasn't sure.. it's a mix of reasons. Mainly I've been exhausted.

Then there's the bad.

One is school. I'm still not getting shit done. I'm tired, and my brain isn't working. I'm trying. I even wanted to go see my professor last week, but the weather was bad and school closed Friday. This week I don't know where she is because I emailed her Tuesday and she never replied.
The other one is food.. still. I saw my therapist last Thursday and she asked how my eating was, and I said not good. She said she could tell. I hate things like that. I don't know what that means. Does she means I've lost weight? Well.. yes. Does she mean I look sick? Because I swear my mom was looking at me weird too. I don't know. She said something about how we need to figure out why I don't want to do something I need to do to stay alive. I said I don't know.. and I wasn't lying for once. I don't. A lot of times I'm not hungry. Sometimes I am but don't want to eat. Sometimes admittedly all I want is to eat but I won't. But we came up with no practical plan or solution or anything, and I don't see her again until the 19th.
I told my sponsor I am thinking of finding a new therapist because what's the point of that? That isn't helping, and it's wasting a lot of my time.
So admittedly the other reason I haven't been going to my sponsor's house (and even before she offered, why I haven't wanted to ask) is that she always wants to feed me if I haven't eaten. It's a problem with being around my other friend from AA too. We went to Walmart Saturday and she wanted food from McDonalds and asked if I'd eat some.. I gave in and said I would eat a couple chicken nuggets. She then even said I should have some sauce, and when I said I didn't want some, said it wouldn't be that bad for me and started reading the ingredients. I mean I hadn't eaten all day and had been feeling dizzy, but still.
So I don't know. I'm still alternating days of not eating and days of binging and purging. It's exhausting.