Still been crazy, and avoiding this place. Sorry I didn't respond to comments. I meant to. It isn't that I'm not writing and not getting things out. I'm sharing things in a less healthy place than this where I worry less about what I say.
Anyway.. so I went to AA today. The women's meeting Saturdays is one of the only ones I go to these days. The topic was a reading from a daily reflections book. It was about control and holding onto things. There was part that basically said that by holding onto fears and resentments we are not able to accept help being offered. By not being open we cannot accept what God can give us.. or worded differently.
And I'm sitting there thinking about the eating disorder, and the fact that I've been holding onto it and onto the fear of telling people and a lot of other fears. And by doing this I can't accept any sort of help or support because nobody even knows what is going on or how bad it is. I still wasn't sure if it was ok to talk about because it's not alcohol related, but I really have gotten sick of people complimenting me on the weight loss. This is in part because I have trouble responding. A guy at school said "You look like you've lost a lot of weight" and I said Yeah.. and I realized after that I'm supposed to thank him.. but I didn't think about it at the time because I know I'm sick. I texted my friend sitting next to me and asked if I could share this, and she said it was fine.
I basically said that I tried to control my fears by drinking even though that made no sense and it didn't work. When I stopped drinking, the fears were still there, and I tried to stop them. I said I tried to stop them by not eating for days at a time.. I was not going to mention the bulimia, and probably won't because people ask questions about that one. Afterwards, I started crying. My sponsor patted me on the back and told me to breathe.
Well, after the meeting a woman comes up to me and asks how much weight I've lost. I tell her around 50 pounds. She says I look really good. After a little bit, I tell my sponsor, and I tell her that after what I shared it is not fucking ok to ask that and compliment me on that. So my sponsor makes me tell the woman that.. and the woman apologizes. And she still says a bunch of insensitive shit about how she's trying to lose weigh and she used amphetamines and the past and that helped and how she hasn't been able to get below 200lbs now and can't eat all these different foods, and it was ridiculous. She said she cares and I should lose it in a healthy way, and I just nodded a lot until she stopped talking.
She also asked how she could compliment me without saying things about my weight. I told her not to. I just don't like it because I'm sick and I'm tired. So yeah.. it's just not ok. The rest of the day was ok-ish. Went shopping. Awkwardly sat and watched my friends eat because I decided not to eat today. Went to a second meeting. Went for a walk/jog. Now I'm off to bed.
Oh man, that's really not cool :-/ I'm proud of you for sharing, regardless of how hard it was. I think most people just don't know what to say, and so they try to relate it to themselves as best they can (which sadly usually revolves around their own diet and weight loss).
ReplyDeleteI hope you're okay. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but I've seen you mention a certain forum a few times, and I'm guessing you've gone from just reading to posting? I look at those kind of forums most days too, so the last thing I'm going to do is judge, but I just worry a little.
Take care of yourself. I'm keeping you in my thoughts <3
xx
I have been posting for a few months. Only very frequently for a month or two. It's hard to tell if I am there more because the disorder is worse or if it's worse because I am there more.I have this twisted logic that it gives me somewhere to talk about things, so it's ok. I don't know.. I feel like I'm fairly realistic about how I'm doing, and it's pretty bad mentally. Physically, I'm ok though. And I'm working a bit on the honesty thing
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