New technology and stupid choices

So since I got the 2nd job and stopped drinking, I have not been so desperate for money, and I have made a few unnecessary purchases. Several were rather eating disorder motivated. This post is kinda related to that.. because really it's amazing how some new toys can affect my behavior.

This was the first one. Prior to purchasing this, I owned 2 scales. One was very cheap and crappy. The other was this smaller one meant to be travel sized. I like that because both scales are in my kitchen which has limited space. They're there because my bathroom is even smaller. Anyway, I did a bunch of research because I wanted a scale that had memory or could (preferably) sync with my phone/computer because I still have terrible short term memory, and I never remembered to track my weight.. so I'd never remember what it had been a few days before. This was frustrating as hell. So I kept looking at them and debating what I would spend. Then I found this one used on ebay. It's normally a $130 scale that I got for $50 because the body fat function doesn't work right.. and I don't really care. I mostly care that it works on wi-fi.

Anyway

Obviously not me on the scale.. and now I might have to check that it didn't upload that weight.. It's supposed to recognize different users. Maybe she has her own now. Anyway, before I didn't keep track everyday.. I kinda randomly remembered to log my weight, but I was still weighing myself at least twice a day. Now at least it's only once a day because I think any more than that would mess up the tracking, but I have a record of it. That's probably bad. Like I know I've lost 4 pounds since Monday.

Well, the scale is a FitBit Aria, so I downloaded the app that goes with it even though I use another app for tracking weight normally, and discovered it can track exercise like walking/jogging. This is when I decided I should start going jogging. It can use the gps on my phone, or I could by a fitbit (this will come up in a second).. so I started going for walks/jogs.. mainly walking because I'm out of shape and using the app to track it.. then I switched to RunKeeper app because it syncs better with another app I use (one that also syncs with my scale).. isn't technology fun? The one advantage to this is that any of them that use the GPS know where I am in case anything happens, so it is safer..

Well, I started looking into buying a Fitbit activity tracker (if you haven't looked at them, think fancy pedometer) but they're freaking expensive even used.. like unless I wanted one that was already broken (they apparently break easily) it would be at least $80.. and really the app on my phone could do the same things. I finally gave in and bought a Jawbone UP 24 because a used one is only $40. I just got it yesterday.

This is where the poor choices start.. well no they had already started. This is where they got worse. I haven't eaten since Sunday, so today is day 4 with nothing but water, powerade zero, and gum. I still went jogging Monday. Yesterday, since this thing was charging I stayed in and used the exercise bike. Today was the first day wearing it. I tried taking the stairs at school to add extra steps toward my goal, and only made it one flight before feeling out of breath. After work, I decided I should go walking because I was still about 1,000 steps short of the 7,000 I set as the daily goal.. so I change and go. I start to take a route I've done before. Then I decide to turn a different way.. of course I'm not using either of the GPS tracking apps. I haven't eaten in 4 days, and I'm now going a way I've never been. I think that if I turn a different way down this sidewalk, when I reach the end there will be a street sign and I can decide then if I should keep going or go back the other way. There's no street sign telling me what the street is. I am admittedly about 80% sure I know which street it is (I'm less than a mile from my apartment but not anywhere I've ever actually been), so I keep going assuming that i should just turn right. I kept walking and did find a street sign that said what road I was on.

I was right.. I did know where I was, but that was probably not a smart decision. I mean really I shouldn't have been out walking alone after 10pm when I hadn't eaten.. I shouldn't have gone a different way. I should have pulled up a map or just turned around and gone home the same way I came. It was stupid.

So yeah.. lots of stupid choices lately. My depression has been pretty bad. I've been going to AA everyday this week mainly to be around people.. yesterday was rough. I have been getting compliments on the weight loss a lot, but after the meeting my grand-sponsor stopped me and commented on how much I lost and said "Have you given up eating entirely?" she started telling me how I should eat carrots and apples.. and I said pretty much and just started crying. I was just so tired. She started telling me all the progress I've made since she's known me and how much I hated myself when I came there and how she never tried to hug me because she knew I didn't want it.. and all of this stuff. She finally stopped and then I saw my sponsor and started crying all over again. I ended up hanging out there until I had to go to work.. my sponsor tried offering me crackers, and I could tell she looked hurt when I didn't take one. I feel terrible doing that, but I really didn't want to eat it and definitely not there in front of the other people who were around.
Sunday before I stopped eating, I had started having suicidal thoughts. I did tell my sponsor that on Monday.. that's actually why I first went to a meeting Monday. They've come and gone since then. I feel like they're better when I don't eat, but then I realize that can't go on forever.. I have to eat soon.