Diet pills and insomnia... ***Trigger warning***

I don't know how much I've talked about this topic here. I mean in detail at least. In reality, I keep it primarily to myself, but that has a lot to do with the company I keep. My friends know I have an eating disorder, so they clearly would not approve of my use of diet pills. I'm around grad students who would probably not approve for scientific reasons, but honestly I don't talk to many people at school. My therapist I don't tell the truth about this.. at least not the whole truth. Then there's AA. I have mentioned it to my sponsor and one friend, but I don't really say much. I have always worried a little about what people would think. Nothing I take is illegal or even prescription, but there are people in AA that don't approve of anything considered "mood altering" and diet pills probably are.. hell, caffeine is. That's why rehab didn't provide caffeine in any form. They considered it a trigger for some (we could buy our own. Thank god)

Then there's work.. I have mentioned it to one coworker. Our whole job is about chemicals, and he's working on a masters in chemistry. I think we were talking about coffee and staying awake. I said I get most of mine in pill form rather than coffee. I ended up commenting about it not being caffeine pills I think.. and at the time I brought up these diet pills I hadn't purchased and showed him the ingredients. I had taken a picture on my phone to compare to the bottle I had at home. I was honestly curious of his opinion.. in part because these aren't the normal ones you find in the U.S. these days that are primarily caffeine, vitamins, and usually stuff like green coffee bean or whatever the fad is. Mainly caffeine though. These are the ones that are harder to find that are phenyl-ethylamines and synephrine.. which is what he commented on. These are structurally similar to amphetamines and to ephedrine. They're I think what was left or what replaced ephedrine in some diet pills once it was taken off the market. So anyway I showed him and was oddly reassured by his shock. Of course, I bought those pills later.

This has become a joke of his now. He jokes about my "stimulants" which makes me sound like I'm on meth or something. I do find it funny though.. and really it's my fault for bringing it up. Plus, I'm not always subtle about it since I take pills at work. I keep a pill case in my purse that usually contains 3-4 types of pills. Then I started carrying one bottle of pills. I carry the bottle because the pills have this tendency to break, so I keep them in the bottle with the cotton in it. I added to the number of types I own yesterday, which is why I thought of this. I went a little crazy because Wednesday night I stayed up grading all night, and so the next day I was functioning solely on coffee and these various pills. That made it seem like a brilliant idea to buy more. Add to that that I'm feeling a bit self destructive these days.. maybe a bit suicidal, and there was the post about the girl who died. She died from a type of pill I can't buy (yes I looked online out of curiosity) but it put the topic on my mind yesterday.

So what I have **obviously trigger warning**
The innocent ones
1. Green tea extract- I don't know why I bought it.. at the time I was thinking it might be a good afternoon pill with a bit of caffeine. Plus, people say it works, and it certainly couldn't hurt
2. Green coffee bean- it's the new fad. I keep this and green tea in the pill case in my purse, and I can't tell them apart since they look the same.. so I just pick a random one if I decide to take one
3. Konjac root- I stopped taking it since it's only supposed to serve a purpose if taken with or before a meal, and I don't eat meals during the day and mainly binge/purge at night. I'm a bit afraid I'd choke if I purged after taking it (it's a type of fiber) so I have it but haven't taken any in a month at least

The "bad?" ones
4. VPX Meltdown- bought it at Walgreens, so it can't be that dangerous. But this is one that's a combination of the phenyl-ethylamines, synephrine, caffeine, and some other stuff I don't know much about. I did a lot of research online and it was similar to some kinds that I would have had to order, and I don't trust ordering pills online (even on Amazon you can get stuff that's expired or stored badly)
5. Fastin- this is the one I showed my coworker. Honestly, it's the same as the meltdown as far as ingredients. When I first started my eating disorder, I took this one.. they sold it at Walmart then. Now, I found it at Bed Bath and Beyond but couldn't find it anywhere else.. I'm not sure why. It's not expired. They make an extended release now too, so I'm wondering why stores don't carry it.
I tend to take the VPX one at home in the morning and the Fastin (in my purse) during the day
Then yesterday I added
6. Bitter Orange- this is the source of synephrine. I was reading an article on pubmed.org that summarized 20 scientific studies done on it, and there was no significant side effects. It does raise blood pressure in some because the receptor it works on in fat cells is also found in cardiac muscle apparently. I bought it at a natural grocery store. I found one brand, and I asked an employee if that was the only one they carried. He looked a little judgmental and just showed me where the diet pills were since it's a "thermogenic".. I said I know that. I wanted to know if they carried others that were just that.. I kinda wanted to say something less nice about the look he gave me. Whatever. The pills smells terrible by the way and taste bad.. I feel like natural supplements make no effort to not smell like dog poop.
7. Ephedrine- I finally did it. Ephedrine is not sold as a diet pill in the U.S. anymore. I don't think it's legal for it to be sold as a diet pill. It is however sold as an allergy medication just like pseudoephedrine is, but it's less common. I knew this for a while, but the brand I was aware of was not the same as the ephedrine sold as a diet pill. Then I discovered one that is and that it's cheap. It's ephedrine and guaifenesin, which is an expectorant (makes you cough up mucus).

The ephedrine package specifically says not to mix it with caffeine or with medications for weight loss. At first I debated this. I had taken a bitter orange after I bought that, so I didn't take an ephedrine until hours later.. I mainly took it because I was getting really tired and needed to drive home. I still almost fell asleep driving. I took an ephedrine. Then an hour later another bitter orange. That was at like 8pm. I was up until 1am or so cleaning (I will get into that another time) and then took my night meds and crashed.

I slept until 1pm.. my alarm was for 11, but I fell back asleep. It was ok since I was making up for 0 sleep on Wednesday night. Well, I got up and took a Meltdown. Then an ephedrine at some point (might have been at work). Then at work I took a Fastin and had a cup of coffee and a diet mountain dew (not all at once). I was wired. I've been having very mild chest pains off and on.. which is probably not good. I got off work at 10:30pm and went to Walmart because I knew I was too awake to go to bed. I got home around midnight, and since then I've had a couple cups of herbal tea and some water. I'm still pretty awake but starting to wind down. I'm supposed to go to an AA meeting at 10:30 in the morning, so I do have to go to bed soon if I want to be able to wake up in time.

I'm thinking of telling my sponsor about all this. Partly because it doesn't seem like healthy behavior to be taking all these pills on no set schedule. Like that seems like mentally ill (or maybe addict) behavior rather than simply attempted weight loss. Also, I don't know.. I guess even I know it's dangerous behavior, and I feel I should tell someone. I've wanted to tell her I've been cutting again too.. I see my psychiatrist next week, so I can talk to him as well.
And if anyone is worried, I took my blood pressure and it's a bit high 137/99 but not dangerously so. My pulse is about 80, so I did check that after my chest was hurting. I am not taking anything else today other than my usual prescribed medication.