Procrastinating..

I'd be lying if I said I was doing ok this week.. or these past few days. The whole boundary between weeks is weird for me.. it tends to run Saturday to Saturday because it's AA meeting to AA meeting.. since that's the major social interaction. Or it runs thursday to thursday since that's therapy. Anyway.. whatever. But yes.. doing poorly. I keep telling myself I won't eat. Then I'll eat some snack at work because I'm hungry, and because I eat something that means I can eat everything. That leads to binging and purging when I get home. So that's been the pattern every night.

I also went a little bit crazy last week (don't know if I mentioned this) because I managed to lose my Up24 (the activity tracker). I had become a bit obsessive about it. It made me feel a little better about eating some calories. It also helped with this paranoia I've developed about calories in artificial sweeteners.. like if I have sweetener in my coffee on a day I'm not eating. I have to make up for the calories that may actually have (not getting into this in detail because I don't want to be triggering). That's the more rational fear. The less rational one is that Powerade Zero tastes like it has calories even though nothing about it would suggest that it does (or not the number it tastes like it has). I switched to taking potassium pills and drinking water because of this. So yes.. crazy. And I lost the tracker and therefore didn't know how much I was walking or what I was burning etc etc.. and I cannot find the damn thing. It has to be in my apartment. I wore it to bed and set it as an alarm to wake up. My best guess is that I took it off when I was trying to turn off the alarm.. and then who knows. According to the app, the last time it synced was at like 10am that morning which is when I finally woke up after oversleeping. It wouldn't sync after that, and the find it feature on the app claimed it was in a field down the street.

So I kept looking for it.. I checked under the bed mainly and around my very very messy room. No luck. Well, Saturday I was talking about this with a friend from AA, and she was suggesting that this was maybe what they talk about in AA as a "God thing." Basically meaning, maybe I was meant to lose it.. that maybe my higher power kept me from finding it because clearly I'm going a bit crazy, and she has a point about it. I agreed. I mentioned this to my sponsor later on the phone, and she said it was good that I could entertain that idea. We were discussing this after I spontaneously burst into tears after the meeting out of exhaustion because I haven't been going to bed until after 3am usually and have been sleeping through my alarm everyday and just not getting things accomplished. I ended up spending the day working on school stuff with her at her boyfriend's apartment and then watching a movie. I did get some stuff done, and she studied for school. It was a little awkward because her boyfriend (also goes to AA) has asked on many occasions how I'm doing, and I've said I'm ok.. and I get the feeling he knows I'm lying. 1. because he knows my friend and he is friends with my sponsor and 2. he's seen me crying between meetings.. and 3. apparently I've lost a noticeable amount of weight. Anyway, he asked once when he first got home, but I had just realized my phone had been on silent and I had missed several texts and a call from my sponsor, so I said I was ok and needed to go call her back. Later he drove me back to my car and he asked again, and I basically answered that I'm not ok and mainly that other people think I'm not.. and told him about the eating disorder. He gave me a lecture about how I need to eat if I'm going to exercise. Also talked about how his mom is a recovered bulimic, so he knows now. It seemed easier to just say it than to dodge the question especially since I am never sure what my friend tells him.. like I'm not sure what she told him about why I was at the apartment.

Well, that was Saturday. Then on Sunday I bought a new one. Actually, I bought a FitBit Charge this time, which was significantly more expensive. I got the Up used for $45ish on Amazon. The Fitbit was (with a warranty plan) $150, but it's the one I had actually wanted in the first place.. and it's the same brand and therefore same website/app as my scale. The Up24 is actually worth (new) $150, so my plan is to sell it if I find it and hopefully get back the 40 or so it cost me since it should still work fine.

So yes.. I bought this new one Sunday. I was in a meeting Monday sitting by that same friend and she reaches over and points at it and asks if that's the same one or a new one. I whisper (this is during the meeting) a new one. She asks how I got it, which seems like a pretty obvious question, and I say that I bought it. She looks frustrated and says she wants to shake me..

Since then I'm still not getting a lot of sleep. I'm not getting a lot done either. Tonight other than binging, I worked on cleaning.. my apartment is a horrible mess.. empty boxes and packages from food. There's still empty vodka bottles that never got thrown away. I just never had energy to deal with it. Well, I got some notice from my apartment complex that on Friday some inspector from the city is going to be around.. it doesn't really say why, but I think it would probably be bad for anyone to come into my apartment with it being like this. So I've cleaned up a lot of trash.

I need to be grading papers.. and I'm distracted sitting here because I really just want to eat something, but I have this feeling that if I do I'm going to end up suicidal. I've already been cutting again the past few days and the other thoughts are there. I feel like right now food would be bad. I really should just go to bed and deal with school stuff in the morning. It's already past 2am. I think I am just going to get up and try again in the morning.