About an hour later, she texted that she had been outside and away from her phone. I clocked out and went to call her. I told my boss I clocked out and he said I didn't have to unless it was going to be long, but I didn't know how long it would be.. ended up being like 15 minutes. Don't know if that was too long, but anyway I did it off the clock.
I sort of rambled through what I had been thinking about.. the whole topic of mood altering substances and diet pills being mood altering. I brought up buying new ones and taking more and not keeping track. I mentioned buying the ephedrine. I didn't list the other ones because it wouldn't make sense unless you knew about diet pills or chemicals.. other than they're chemically similar to amphetamines according to my coworker.
Anyway, she said she's thought about it. Her concern is not about this being a relapse in terms of substances. She's worried about me having a heart attack. She says she thinks about it and prays about it. She's talked to her sponsor about it.
We talked about various stuff.. basically working the steps for it, and she mentioned reading through the 12&12 or the big book and substituting food or another word for alcohol.. to think about it that way. So maybe we're going to do that when we both have time. She also talked about how she was trying to eat better and plan what she's eating.. I think the idea behind that was how we both should work on planning and eating better? I'm not sure how telling me she's not eating sugar is helpful. I told her I'm planning to buy meal replacement stuff.. I did not say I am planning to stop eating solids.. but haven't decided that for sure.
Anyway, on top of that.. I have the coworker who has commented on my "stimulant" habit.. who made a comment that he's worried about me today. Like not even in private.. said this in the middle of the analyst room. He said he was worried and I should cut back. He doesn't want me to be saying I have heart damage later because of what I was doing now. I've only known this guy for a few months, and he's worried about me having heart damage? I feel bad because it's my fault for ever mentioning it.. though if I took pills at work, I feel like someone would have asked eventually. And that's a hard question to dodge completely without lying or looking like you're taking something you shouldn't be.
But yes.. my fault. Same with my sponsor.. I mean if I had never mentioned the eating disorder.. well that probably would have come out after I lost 60 pounds, but I could have never mentioned the diet pills to anyone. But then would she be worried about the purging? or the not eating? She's offered to buy me Ensure if I would drink it. She's tried to feed me crackers after meetings. What else would she worry about? Would my coworker still have caught on to how tired I look? He's commented on it and how I should be sleeping more.
How much control do I really have over other people's worry? That's what I was thinking about tonight. I guess if they care, there will always be something to worry about. Unfortunately, when I have this many self destructive habits, there's more to worry about. Do I show the habits off on purpose? Do I do it because I want help? Is it sometimes an innocent mistake that starts it? Like the mistake of mentioning the damn pills.
So I dug out my God box.. actually it's a God dinosaur shaped bank because I thought that was funny (so did my sponsor). The idea of the God box is that you take the things that you are surrendering to your higher power, you write them down, and they go in the box. They stay in the box for at least a year. Eventually, you can open the box and see how things have been resolved.. but the main idea is to give the things to God by placing them in the box. You can't take them back because you are physically placing them inside. I debated if this was an appropriate thing to put in there.. since I have some control over this, but I thought about it.. and I don't. Whether or not they are worried about actions I have power over, I cannot control their thinking.. they can always find something to worry about.
So I am giving this one to God. I do need to work on making less to worry about, or at the very least minimizing attention-seeking behaviors. I do not need to work on making them less worried about me. I do not need to comfort them. This is the first time I've used the God dinosaur.. I bought it and it got buried in the mess that is my apartment. I cut some pieces of paper and placed a pen by it, so hopefully it will get more use.
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