So this is completely unrelated to anything I posted about last time (I don't think this had started then). I don't know why I'm writing about it tonight and not tomorrow when I know more, but I just wanted (not exactly) to.
So I have 2 cats. One is 4 years old and the other is 16, which is getting on in years. Though for cats age is strange.. dogs it varies based on size and breed, and so people tend to expect to be able to predict it better. Cats.. can live 12 or 15 or past 20.. I choose to either believe she falls into the last category or to simply choose to forget how old she is (that works pretty well actually).
Anyway, it fails unfortunately when she gets sick or hurt in any way. Then I remember... and I worry about the younger one if he ever seems ill, but that hasn't really happened much.
Well, I am not home/awake for a lot of hours to interact with them. So I guess the bulk of my interaction is that they sleep with me. But I noticed a couple weeks ago that she was acting weird. She kept going into the bathroom or the kitchen and meowing obnoxiously by the sink.. I guess wanting water. This has happened before. I got out this fountain thing I had, and that stopped it for a couple days. It started again, and I put out another bowl of water.. but she kept knocking every bowl of water I'd put out over or just sticking her paws in it and making a huge mess. I started pretty much ignoring the noise. Finally, after reading stuff online I got worried, and I decided that she really wasn't drinking enough, so I put out a bowl in the kitchen and added some chicken broth to it to encourage her to drink. She drank that, and the meowing mainly stopped.
Next odd thing was on Thursday or Friday, I came home and there was what seemed to be blood on her paws.. like dried. I couldn't find a cut. she wasn't limping. I thought maybe it was dirt? or I didn't know.. then Saturday she came to me with blood by her mouth. That's when I started freaking out. I don't know if anyone has cats, and if you do you probably know how hard it is to open a cat's mouth for more than a second. I couldn't see anything wrong. It seemed to be by her gums. I didn't see a broken/missing tooth. Her tongue looked fine. It wasn't like actively bleeding. It seemed to happen when she ate.. but this was when the vet was closed for the weekend.. so I got to panic for 2 days. I figured out the blood on her paw was from trying to clean her face. I also felt like a terrible mom for not being able to wash the damn blood off.. I tried water.. I bought these like bath wipes because I didn't want to bathe her if she was sick.. finally I bought baby shampoo and tried that.. still not much luck. It looks awful. Pretty sure the vet will judge me for this.
She is still eating some? But I don't think much of the dried food.. I bought canned food but it was a weird consistency that neither cat had much luck chewing (stringy), so that was kinda a failure. Yesterday I bought lactose free yogurt for her (not sure that's vet approved but I knew she likes yogurt and I at least bought the lactose free). She ate that.
I am taking her to the vet tomorrow. I couldn't get in today before work. She's still up and about and still sleeping on the bed. I can tell she's not feeling well, and of course my mind is on worst case scenario because I have no idea what's actually wrong with her. I can only think of what I've done wrong and how I should have taken her to the vet last week. I actually don't take either cat often enough.. they don't go for checkups at all really. Anyway.. yeah. So she's sleeping curled up on a sweatshirt of mine on the floor. I gave her that to make up for washing her paws. I might let her have a tiny bit of ice cream later, and if I do I am probably not telling the vet that... already enough to judge me for I'm sure.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Eating disorder update (and a little about the addict in me)
So I have a confession first that I probably should make... and this in my opinion boils down to being eating disorder related. I can even explain why and how oddly timed this was. I was driving home tonight thinking about the psychiatrist appointment I have next week, and I was driving from my parents house so I was thinking for a while.. and a few things.. one is that I haven't been taking my wellbutrin, but that's not the confession. That's not that unusual for me. I started thinking also about whether or not I had anyway to talk my doctor into getting some form of amphetamines.. Adderall etc. I am assuming not since I see someone who specializes in addiction and who knows I've been in rehab and in the hospital and who also knows I have an ED. The reason I want it is because I'm exhausted and because I am hoping it would give me energy and help me lose weight. I thought that maybe I should look into somewhere that prescribes Phentermine for weight loss, but that I'm probably too thin now to get it.. I'm only like 10lbs over my healthy weight range (well the top of the healthy BMI range).
So I got home and I was cleaning because my apartment has some inspection tomorrow where the city is inspecting random apartments? No idea really.. the last time I cleaned much was the last time they said there would be an inspection. Don't think they even were in the apartment that time, and I have been literally praying that they won't be this time because my apartment is a mess because well.. uncontrolled bulimia and lack of sleep. Plus my vacuum cleaner broke the last time I stayed up cleaning (months ago). Well, I decided (brilliant) to shove this big box full of random stuff (not trash, stuff) into my closet and to do that I had to move 2 old backpacks off the floor of the closet. I picked up one and a bottle of Ritalin (methylphenidate) fell out. Like wtf? So back in 2011 my therapist convinced my psychiatrist (this was not entirely my idea at the time) to prescribe me Ritalin for fatigue. I had started grad school and was commuting an hour each way and struggling to study, and somehow this worked? Not a brilliant psychiatrist that one.. for other reasons too. I didn't take it much because it made me kinda crazy, and I was going pretty crazy anyway.. I ended up in the psych ward that semester just a couple weeks before I moved into my own apartment and started drinking. After that I never really took it except before exams. A few times a friend asked me for them, and finally I thought I threw them out so she'd stop asking. Apparently not because there's like 16 or 17 left in the bottle.
I texted my sponsor and said I found them and was debating keeping them. She obviously said that was bad. I still have them. I couldn't throw them out despite the fact that I took like 3 trips down to the dumpster with other trash. I don't even know if Ritalin would help with weight loss.. I didn't take any (it's late at night) and I am not sure it would be a good idea for other reasons.. mainly because I work somewhere that does drug testing... I mean not drug testing on their employees, but just in general. For some reason it just makes me nervous to think that they test for methylphenidate.. and if that ever did happen I don't have a current prescription, you know? At least all the diet pills I take are over the counter. We now test for ephedrine/pseudoephedrine.. but that's legal too.
So maybe all this is a good indicator of how the eating disorder is going?
Because yeah... not great. I've been binging and purging a lot. Pretty much every single night again, and that means I'm staying up until 3-4am and sleeping until 1-2pm and that's bad. I'm spending insane amounts on food, but I try not to add it up. I've just gotten so used to going straight from work to either Walmart or the grocery store and then home with the food. I have been planning binges in my head at work.. I'm still totally obsessed with the unnamed eating disorder website. I read about other people's binges. I post about mine. I take pictures of what I buy so I can post them. This means I have all these random pictures of food on my phone that I have to remember to delete.
The mess in my apartment is trash from all the binges because I try to clean up, but at 2 or 3am I just don't care. If it's not going to smell the next day, I don't always bother with the boxes and stuff.
I am going a bit crazy I think. I tend to think that I am still fairly sane because in my mind fat=sane when it comes to eating disorders. Like I can't be that illogical if I am still eating and not underweight, but I guess not. I decided a few weeks ago to buy body lotion to maybe help with the loose skin on my arms. I bought this https://www.palmers.com/en/cocoa-butter-formula/6-cocoa-butter-formula-lotion.html
I started using it everyday on my hands and legs and stomach.. I also just have very dry skin. Well, it didn't take long before the crazy started. I started to look at my arms and wonder what really happens with the lotion. I kept thinking that it's just going to get absorbed straight into all the fat and make me bigger.. like I can just imagine my arms getting bigger. I could see it happening with my stomach and my thighs. I stopped using it. I started again last week after telling myself I needed to because my skin was dry and itchy. I could see myself getting bigger. I had to measure myself.. I measured my arms, thighs, and my stomach and they were all if anything at least 1/2 and inch smaller than the last recorded measurements I have. So I'm definitely losing it. I've also had thoughts in the shower about absorbing the water, but I am ignoring those because I know that's not how it works..
So I'm wondering how I got this crazy? I'm wondering if it's lack of proper sleep or all the diet pills or if it's binging and purging all the time. Or maybe I'm not that crazy. I feel like my stomach is bigger because I keep cramming so much food in it.. like I feel like it's sagging more, and I think it's because I am binging to the point that I'm in physical pain and maybe it's stretched and not getting back to normal after purging. I don't know. I feel like I need to take some time off from food to regain some sanity.
So I got home and I was cleaning because my apartment has some inspection tomorrow where the city is inspecting random apartments? No idea really.. the last time I cleaned much was the last time they said there would be an inspection. Don't think they even were in the apartment that time, and I have been literally praying that they won't be this time because my apartment is a mess because well.. uncontrolled bulimia and lack of sleep. Plus my vacuum cleaner broke the last time I stayed up cleaning (months ago). Well, I decided (brilliant) to shove this big box full of random stuff (not trash, stuff) into my closet and to do that I had to move 2 old backpacks off the floor of the closet. I picked up one and a bottle of Ritalin (methylphenidate) fell out. Like wtf? So back in 2011 my therapist convinced my psychiatrist (this was not entirely my idea at the time) to prescribe me Ritalin for fatigue. I had started grad school and was commuting an hour each way and struggling to study, and somehow this worked? Not a brilliant psychiatrist that one.. for other reasons too. I didn't take it much because it made me kinda crazy, and I was going pretty crazy anyway.. I ended up in the psych ward that semester just a couple weeks before I moved into my own apartment and started drinking. After that I never really took it except before exams. A few times a friend asked me for them, and finally I thought I threw them out so she'd stop asking. Apparently not because there's like 16 or 17 left in the bottle.
I texted my sponsor and said I found them and was debating keeping them. She obviously said that was bad. I still have them. I couldn't throw them out despite the fact that I took like 3 trips down to the dumpster with other trash. I don't even know if Ritalin would help with weight loss.. I didn't take any (it's late at night) and I am not sure it would be a good idea for other reasons.. mainly because I work somewhere that does drug testing... I mean not drug testing on their employees, but just in general. For some reason it just makes me nervous to think that they test for methylphenidate.. and if that ever did happen I don't have a current prescription, you know? At least all the diet pills I take are over the counter. We now test for ephedrine/pseudoephedrine.. but that's legal too.
So maybe all this is a good indicator of how the eating disorder is going?
Because yeah... not great. I've been binging and purging a lot. Pretty much every single night again, and that means I'm staying up until 3-4am and sleeping until 1-2pm and that's bad. I'm spending insane amounts on food, but I try not to add it up. I've just gotten so used to going straight from work to either Walmart or the grocery store and then home with the food. I have been planning binges in my head at work.. I'm still totally obsessed with the unnamed eating disorder website. I read about other people's binges. I post about mine. I take pictures of what I buy so I can post them. This means I have all these random pictures of food on my phone that I have to remember to delete.
The mess in my apartment is trash from all the binges because I try to clean up, but at 2 or 3am I just don't care. If it's not going to smell the next day, I don't always bother with the boxes and stuff.
I am going a bit crazy I think. I tend to think that I am still fairly sane because in my mind fat=sane when it comes to eating disorders. Like I can't be that illogical if I am still eating and not underweight, but I guess not. I decided a few weeks ago to buy body lotion to maybe help with the loose skin on my arms. I bought this https://www.palmers.com/en/cocoa-butter-formula/6-cocoa-butter-formula-lotion.html
I started using it everyday on my hands and legs and stomach.. I also just have very dry skin. Well, it didn't take long before the crazy started. I started to look at my arms and wonder what really happens with the lotion. I kept thinking that it's just going to get absorbed straight into all the fat and make me bigger.. like I can just imagine my arms getting bigger. I could see it happening with my stomach and my thighs. I stopped using it. I started again last week after telling myself I needed to because my skin was dry and itchy. I could see myself getting bigger. I had to measure myself.. I measured my arms, thighs, and my stomach and they were all if anything at least 1/2 and inch smaller than the last recorded measurements I have. So I'm definitely losing it. I've also had thoughts in the shower about absorbing the water, but I am ignoring those because I know that's not how it works..
So I'm wondering how I got this crazy? I'm wondering if it's lack of proper sleep or all the diet pills or if it's binging and purging all the time. Or maybe I'm not that crazy. I feel like my stomach is bigger because I keep cramming so much food in it.. like I feel like it's sagging more, and I think it's because I am binging to the point that I'm in physical pain and maybe it's stretched and not getting back to normal after purging. I don't know. I feel like I need to take some time off from food to regain some sanity.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Playing well with others...
So work today was absolute hell. Things have been getting worse lately for a variety of reasons (some related to the actual work and some to the people).
I will start with the actual work and hope not to lose you with boring details. So since I started in February we have tested for a certain list of medications/drugs, and not really added any (I swear at least one was added without anyone commenting about it but anyway). For a month at least it has been known that things were going to change. They were going to add a significant number of new medications. Most of these are psychiatric medications that doctors may want to test patients for... several I currently take which makes me a tad nervous (seroquel and wellbutrin at the moment) for some reason. Anyway this makes the work a lot more complicated because there's a lot more medications to remember soon.. the machines are acting poorly and producing a lot of false positives which some analysts caught and removed but I was stuck until 1AM fixing mistakes of those who didn't one day.. Also they split up the sets of drugs into different sets that are run separately, and that complicated how they are re-run.. and reruns are the majority of my job and that is the other reason I have been there past midnight 2 days in a row. So that's the work side..
The people side..
Mistakes are a problem.. some people are in training and only kinda responsible for what they do. But some of what I was fixing Tuesday night was people who should know better or should have known to ask the toxicologist in charge. They kept results that were bad or they re-ran results that should just have been thrown out. And then there's the drugs split into separate sets (A B and C) that they have been ordering the wrong set to be rerun. It's not that hard to look carefully at the list. But I am trying to keep this primarily to myself. More will be mentioned in a moment.
Today..
I usually get there before my supervisor. This is annoying. For a while, I was hourly and he was salary, so it bothered me less.. now we're both salaried so I am not being paid any more than he is if he's late.. The day shift supervisor will give me messages to relay to him if he's not there when she leaves, which is why this bugs me. Or she'll tell me everything, and then have to repeat it anyway. Today she tells me that Sunday her shift is going to have to work in the morning because they are unable to work on Saturday because they are doing something to the computer system, and this means our shift will have to work Sunday evening rather than Sunday day... and to tell my supervisor. I say ok and that I normally work the evening anyway. We talk about some other stuff.. I ask questions about exactly what hours and about certain people who only work weekends, so I can give details. Then my supervisor gets there. I then sort of gesture for her to tell him because really I didn't want to have to relay this (I knew this wasn't going to go well). He gets upset.. and goes on about how she's taking his only evening with his family. I don't remember what else.. but basically has a little tantrum (this is not abnormal behavior). She leaves upset. I pick up my work and say I'm taking a desk in another room and go out there. He is all upset and starts crying (honestly). I see the day shift supervisor talking to a few people outside in the break room.. I sit at my desk..
There's some more talking back and forth.. the day supervisor is upset about this because basically he is being an ass to her and it's not her decision (it's our boss's). He's being an ass to everyone at this point actually.
The next drama is that I come across one of those bad results made by someone in training and comment on it to someone else sitting in the hall (outside the analyst room) and she says I should say something. I say I don't want to go back in there is my supervisor is still acting like that. She says she'll go and takes the case. She comes back and says that the trainee doesn't believe that he made the mistake and I need to go tell him. Wtf? I hesitate.. I get up and sit down because I don't do conflict. She decides to go tell someone the situation.. this other woman who is sort of our boss? and also kinda terrifying. Like I was more scared of her when I was hired than anyone else in the company. Anyway, she comes back and says we're having a meeting about respect. So I get dragged into the analyst room with everyone, and she tells everyone how those that are newer need to respect those that have been there longer and how different people including her or our supervisor or me or anyone may tell them about mistakes and they need to be respectful and make eye contact and listen. She then pulls my supervisor aside to talk about something and he has to pull aside another analyst who is a total bitch.. and I don't know what else because I go back to my desk and work.
And the conclusion about work being more complicated is that we should intentionally leave some unfinished to prove to the big bosses that it can't be finished as quickly as they want right now with the changes to the protocols. They also decided we should have a meeting with day and night shift tomorrow, which is normally my day off.. so I get to go in for that. Basically about how we all need to get along. Everyone else left before midnight again and left whatever work they left.. I was there until 12:30 again.. people who work overnight in the lab asked why I was still there again.. I told one the full story about the drama.. and another that I was going home soon. And just basically that with tomorrow (today actually now) being my day off I wanted to leave less work. I'm mainly afraid of either 1. them calling me wanting me to come to work since I'm available to come to the meeting or 2. Friday being absolute hell because I wasn't there.. they always bitch when I'm gone a day.
I will say.. I feel better about myself based on their responses.. I like the "why are you still here?" and the recognition that I'm the only one left.. or at 1am offering to walk me to my car since it's so late. At least I get recognition. I casually mentioned to the day supervisor going home at 1. She asked why we went home so late, and I said it was me. They went home around midnight and I just wanted to finish another plate.. she finally said she should designate someone in her shift to do reruns, and it was the sanest thing I heard today..
Oh and because I worked past midnight, I haven't purged in 2 days. So that's good. Before that, I had been binging/purging nightly. Going to the store at 11pm and binging until 1 or 2am and then going to bed at 3 or 4.. obviously haven't started going to bed earlier, but I haven't binged or purged
I will start with the actual work and hope not to lose you with boring details. So since I started in February we have tested for a certain list of medications/drugs, and not really added any (I swear at least one was added without anyone commenting about it but anyway). For a month at least it has been known that things were going to change. They were going to add a significant number of new medications. Most of these are psychiatric medications that doctors may want to test patients for... several I currently take which makes me a tad nervous (seroquel and wellbutrin at the moment) for some reason. Anyway this makes the work a lot more complicated because there's a lot more medications to remember soon.. the machines are acting poorly and producing a lot of false positives which some analysts caught and removed but I was stuck until 1AM fixing mistakes of those who didn't one day.. Also they split up the sets of drugs into different sets that are run separately, and that complicated how they are re-run.. and reruns are the majority of my job and that is the other reason I have been there past midnight 2 days in a row. So that's the work side..
The people side..
Mistakes are a problem.. some people are in training and only kinda responsible for what they do. But some of what I was fixing Tuesday night was people who should know better or should have known to ask the toxicologist in charge. They kept results that were bad or they re-ran results that should just have been thrown out. And then there's the drugs split into separate sets (A B and C) that they have been ordering the wrong set to be rerun. It's not that hard to look carefully at the list. But I am trying to keep this primarily to myself. More will be mentioned in a moment.
Today..
I usually get there before my supervisor. This is annoying. For a while, I was hourly and he was salary, so it bothered me less.. now we're both salaried so I am not being paid any more than he is if he's late.. The day shift supervisor will give me messages to relay to him if he's not there when she leaves, which is why this bugs me. Or she'll tell me everything, and then have to repeat it anyway. Today she tells me that Sunday her shift is going to have to work in the morning because they are unable to work on Saturday because they are doing something to the computer system, and this means our shift will have to work Sunday evening rather than Sunday day... and to tell my supervisor. I say ok and that I normally work the evening anyway. We talk about some other stuff.. I ask questions about exactly what hours and about certain people who only work weekends, so I can give details. Then my supervisor gets there. I then sort of gesture for her to tell him because really I didn't want to have to relay this (I knew this wasn't going to go well). He gets upset.. and goes on about how she's taking his only evening with his family. I don't remember what else.. but basically has a little tantrum (this is not abnormal behavior). She leaves upset. I pick up my work and say I'm taking a desk in another room and go out there. He is all upset and starts crying (honestly). I see the day shift supervisor talking to a few people outside in the break room.. I sit at my desk..
There's some more talking back and forth.. the day supervisor is upset about this because basically he is being an ass to her and it's not her decision (it's our boss's). He's being an ass to everyone at this point actually.
The next drama is that I come across one of those bad results made by someone in training and comment on it to someone else sitting in the hall (outside the analyst room) and she says I should say something. I say I don't want to go back in there is my supervisor is still acting like that. She says she'll go and takes the case. She comes back and says that the trainee doesn't believe that he made the mistake and I need to go tell him. Wtf? I hesitate.. I get up and sit down because I don't do conflict. She decides to go tell someone the situation.. this other woman who is sort of our boss? and also kinda terrifying. Like I was more scared of her when I was hired than anyone else in the company. Anyway, she comes back and says we're having a meeting about respect. So I get dragged into the analyst room with everyone, and she tells everyone how those that are newer need to respect those that have been there longer and how different people including her or our supervisor or me or anyone may tell them about mistakes and they need to be respectful and make eye contact and listen. She then pulls my supervisor aside to talk about something and he has to pull aside another analyst who is a total bitch.. and I don't know what else because I go back to my desk and work.
And the conclusion about work being more complicated is that we should intentionally leave some unfinished to prove to the big bosses that it can't be finished as quickly as they want right now with the changes to the protocols. They also decided we should have a meeting with day and night shift tomorrow, which is normally my day off.. so I get to go in for that. Basically about how we all need to get along. Everyone else left before midnight again and left whatever work they left.. I was there until 12:30 again.. people who work overnight in the lab asked why I was still there again.. I told one the full story about the drama.. and another that I was going home soon. And just basically that with tomorrow (today actually now) being my day off I wanted to leave less work. I'm mainly afraid of either 1. them calling me wanting me to come to work since I'm available to come to the meeting or 2. Friday being absolute hell because I wasn't there.. they always bitch when I'm gone a day.
I will say.. I feel better about myself based on their responses.. I like the "why are you still here?" and the recognition that I'm the only one left.. or at 1am offering to walk me to my car since it's so late. At least I get recognition. I casually mentioned to the day supervisor going home at 1. She asked why we went home so late, and I said it was me. They went home around midnight and I just wanted to finish another plate.. she finally said she should designate someone in her shift to do reruns, and it was the sanest thing I heard today..
Oh and because I worked past midnight, I haven't purged in 2 days. So that's good. Before that, I had been binging/purging nightly. Going to the store at 11pm and binging until 1 or 2am and then going to bed at 3 or 4.. obviously haven't started going to bed earlier, but I haven't binged or purged
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Pizza and more work insanity
So the first thing is that my sponsor called me yesterday. I was out shopping. Sam's club (which is a sort of wholesale-ish store that sells things for discounts in large quantities for those who don't have them) buying a pillow.. which is kind of odd, but they had these memory foam pillows that are normally $50 for $20. Anyway, she called me, and I had to call her back after I left because I didn't have good signal. She said it was just to say hi.. which basically translates to because I haven't called in over a week and generally that means something is not going well. We talked about shopping for a bit, and then I talked about work and in sort of veiled terms about the eating disorder. For some reason, I cannot just flat out say to her that I've been binging and purging. Mainly I hate saying the word binging.. I don't know why exactly. I think it's because in the past I've had non-eating disordered people ask dumb questions when they knew I was bulimic.. or even professionals want to know what I was binging on. I have had a psychiatrist ask that and a dietitian, and that's an upsetting question for some reason.. but mainly I feel judged more for binging than for restricting or not eating or any other behavior. So basically I said I've been getting off work and buying food in large amounts, which implies the rest of the behaviors since she knows I'm bulimic. Actually, I worry that she just thinks I'm binging but not purging since I've gained some weight and feel incredibly fat, but I have a feeling that's just in my head. I'm back down to 146 today from almost 149 yesterday, so who knows.. I did tell her though. I did explain what's been going on at work with my boss, so all that is good. Honesty is good, right?
Yesterday was not a great day. I was in a bad mood to begin with. My depression has been worse lately, and I couldn't sleep Monday night/Tuesday morning (I went to bed at 2am). I got up at 3 and ate a bagel and some tortilla chips, which meant I spent the day feeling guilty about eating all of that. I was determined not to eat anything else. Then the actual boss at work (the one above my supervisor) decided to order pizzas for everyone who works nights, and I immediately start feeling worse. They didn't get there until an hour or two later.. 9 pizzas since a lot of people actually work there in various departments. I got to watch as everyone who works with me went and got some. Then I was sitting in the room next to the break room, so I could hear/see through the door as everyone else got some. I felt like crying. Pizza is a binge food for me.. pretty much exclusively a binge food anymore. I was scared to eat it and embarrassed to eat it.
An hour or so later (can you tell I have trouble keeping track of time when I'm anxious?) I had nothing to do and was waiting for something to do.. so just sitting. I kept thinking about the damn pizza. I decided to go move my car to a different parking spot because I was parked on the street not in the lot because it was full when I got there. I come back in, and I stand looking at the pizza (I had stared at it in the break room at least two other times). I decide to get a piece. I enter the calories for 2 pieces into the FitBit app, but I can only manage to put one on a plate. I debate eating it in the break room which is empty but where anyone can walk in at any moment and see me or take it back to my desk where there is another analyst in the room but a door blocking the view from other random people walking by. I do that. I immediately want to purge but am afraid someone would hear if I use the bathroom. I honestly think about going outside and doing it but am afraid of getting it on my clothes or someone seeing me, which would probably be worse than someone hearing me in the bathroom.. so I don't do it. I just feel guilty. Later I have the 2nd piece. Basically because of this, I decide to say fuck it and go buy binge food after work.. and it's after midnight when I get home so I am exhausted but binge anyway.
So yeah.. there's frequently food at work, but it's so much easier when it's something disgusting looking or it's been sitting out all day.
Oh and the other work thing is the daytime supervisor has decided she wants to start changing everyone's schedules.. basically so her people can get an occasional weekend off. It's really dumb actually because she doesn't even usually come in weekends, and there are people who only work weekends, so weekends have people. It gets complicated because some evening people (like me) have certain days they need off.. I need Thursdays for therapy.. they know I need Thursdays off but not why. I was hired with the agreement that I could have this. I always work Sundays. I have no problem working some Saturdays.. she is making this too fucking complicated. I finally when everyone was gone told the evening supervisor why I have Thursdays off because I didn't want to say it in front of everyone, but I need someone to understand it's necessary. My therapist only works certain days and her schedule is always full, so I would need to know weeks in advance if they were changing my days off. He's fine with it.. but I didn't want to be asked in front of everyone what I do on Thursdays, which I have been afraid would happen. Supposedly, today we are going to get a better idea what's going on.
Yesterday was not a great day. I was in a bad mood to begin with. My depression has been worse lately, and I couldn't sleep Monday night/Tuesday morning (I went to bed at 2am). I got up at 3 and ate a bagel and some tortilla chips, which meant I spent the day feeling guilty about eating all of that. I was determined not to eat anything else. Then the actual boss at work (the one above my supervisor) decided to order pizzas for everyone who works nights, and I immediately start feeling worse. They didn't get there until an hour or two later.. 9 pizzas since a lot of people actually work there in various departments. I got to watch as everyone who works with me went and got some. Then I was sitting in the room next to the break room, so I could hear/see through the door as everyone else got some. I felt like crying. Pizza is a binge food for me.. pretty much exclusively a binge food anymore. I was scared to eat it and embarrassed to eat it.
An hour or so later (can you tell I have trouble keeping track of time when I'm anxious?) I had nothing to do and was waiting for something to do.. so just sitting. I kept thinking about the damn pizza. I decided to go move my car to a different parking spot because I was parked on the street not in the lot because it was full when I got there. I come back in, and I stand looking at the pizza (I had stared at it in the break room at least two other times). I decide to get a piece. I enter the calories for 2 pieces into the FitBit app, but I can only manage to put one on a plate. I debate eating it in the break room which is empty but where anyone can walk in at any moment and see me or take it back to my desk where there is another analyst in the room but a door blocking the view from other random people walking by. I do that. I immediately want to purge but am afraid someone would hear if I use the bathroom. I honestly think about going outside and doing it but am afraid of getting it on my clothes or someone seeing me, which would probably be worse than someone hearing me in the bathroom.. so I don't do it. I just feel guilty. Later I have the 2nd piece. Basically because of this, I decide to say fuck it and go buy binge food after work.. and it's after midnight when I get home so I am exhausted but binge anyway.
So yeah.. there's frequently food at work, but it's so much easier when it's something disgusting looking or it's been sitting out all day.
Oh and the other work thing is the daytime supervisor has decided she wants to start changing everyone's schedules.. basically so her people can get an occasional weekend off. It's really dumb actually because she doesn't even usually come in weekends, and there are people who only work weekends, so weekends have people. It gets complicated because some evening people (like me) have certain days they need off.. I need Thursdays for therapy.. they know I need Thursdays off but not why. I was hired with the agreement that I could have this. I always work Sundays. I have no problem working some Saturdays.. she is making this too fucking complicated. I finally when everyone was gone told the evening supervisor why I have Thursdays off because I didn't want to say it in front of everyone, but I need someone to understand it's necessary. My therapist only works certain days and her schedule is always full, so I would need to know weeks in advance if they were changing my days off. He's fine with it.. but I didn't want to be asked in front of everyone what I do on Thursdays, which I have been afraid would happen. Supposedly, today we are going to get a better idea what's going on.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
So tired
This won't be long because I'm typing on my phone while in bed because heaven forbid I just go to sleep... Which is pretty on topic.
I'm doing quite poorly I guess. I told everyone in a meeting Saturday how I was doing better at work at accepting my coworkers and handling situations and mistakes. I'm trying to take responsibility for myself and my own work. Almost immediately after I spoke I realized that maybe I'm not accepting things. Maybe it's all coming out through the eating disorder.
My anxiety level at work is still quite high and I now blame myself for things not getting done. I've been working until 11pm or at least once after midnight, and then every night for over a week rather than going home I have been going to the grocery store for binge food. Then I come home and binge and purge until around 1am and probably not go to bed until after 2.
I'm wasting a ton of money on food.. I guess probably $15-20 a day, which is bad. I'm sleeping until almost noon which means I am getting no writing done for school which now has me really scared about that. I haven't called or texted my sponsor recently or anyone, and nobody knows about this. Oh and I gained like 5lbs which also has me wanting to do crazy shit.
And I'm tired. My boss gave me some work at around 10pm and around 10:30 another analyst was leaving and said she felt bad I was stuck there. My boss said I always stay to do things and some comment (i was ignoring him) that seemed to be about me not sleeping. She left and I just said "I'm tired" to him because I am fucking sick of him leaving me there working and going home. He tried to do it, but I finished before he left. Sunday he left at 6:45 and left me with a trainee. I didn't get to leave until almost 9 because I had to help train the new guy and couldn't leave him there when I was done with my work.
So yeah... Tired.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)