So I have a confession first that I probably should make... and this in my opinion boils down to being eating disorder related. I can even explain why and how oddly timed this was. I was driving home tonight thinking about the psychiatrist appointment I have next week, and I was driving from my parents house so I was thinking for a while.. and a few things.. one is that I haven't been taking my wellbutrin, but that's not the confession. That's not that unusual for me. I started thinking also about whether or not I had anyway to talk my doctor into getting some form of amphetamines.. Adderall etc. I am assuming not since I see someone who specializes in addiction and who knows I've been in rehab and in the hospital and who also knows I have an ED. The reason I want it is because I'm exhausted and because I am hoping it would give me energy and help me lose weight. I thought that maybe I should look into somewhere that prescribes Phentermine for weight loss, but that I'm probably too thin now to get it.. I'm only like 10lbs over my healthy weight range (well the top of the healthy BMI range).
So I got home and I was cleaning because my apartment has some inspection tomorrow where the city is inspecting random apartments? No idea really.. the last time I cleaned much was the last time they said there would be an inspection. Don't think they even were in the apartment that time, and I have been literally praying that they won't be this time because my apartment is a mess because well.. uncontrolled bulimia and lack of sleep. Plus my vacuum cleaner broke the last time I stayed up cleaning (months ago). Well, I decided (brilliant) to shove this big box full of random stuff (not trash, stuff) into my closet and to do that I had to move 2 old backpacks off the floor of the closet. I picked up one and a bottle of Ritalin (methylphenidate) fell out. Like wtf? So back in 2011 my therapist convinced my psychiatrist (this was not entirely my idea at the time) to prescribe me Ritalin for fatigue. I had started grad school and was commuting an hour each way and struggling to study, and somehow this worked? Not a brilliant psychiatrist that one.. for other reasons too. I didn't take it much because it made me kinda crazy, and I was going pretty crazy anyway.. I ended up in the psych ward that semester just a couple weeks before I moved into my own apartment and started drinking. After that I never really took it except before exams. A few times a friend asked me for them, and finally I thought I threw them out so she'd stop asking. Apparently not because there's like 16 or 17 left in the bottle.
I texted my sponsor and said I found them and was debating keeping them. She obviously said that was bad. I still have them. I couldn't throw them out despite the fact that I took like 3 trips down to the dumpster with other trash. I don't even know if Ritalin would help with weight loss.. I didn't take any (it's late at night) and I am not sure it would be a good idea for other reasons.. mainly because I work somewhere that does drug testing... I mean not drug testing on their employees, but just in general. For some reason it just makes me nervous to think that they test for methylphenidate.. and if that ever did happen I don't have a current prescription, you know? At least all the diet pills I take are over the counter. We now test for ephedrine/pseudoephedrine.. but that's legal too.
So maybe all this is a good indicator of how the eating disorder is going?
Because yeah... not great. I've been binging and purging a lot. Pretty much every single night again, and that means I'm staying up until 3-4am and sleeping until 1-2pm and that's bad. I'm spending insane amounts on food, but I try not to add it up. I've just gotten so used to going straight from work to either Walmart or the grocery store and then home with the food. I have been planning binges in my head at work.. I'm still totally obsessed with the unnamed eating disorder website. I read about other people's binges. I post about mine. I take pictures of what I buy so I can post them. This means I have all these random pictures of food on my phone that I have to remember to delete.
The mess in my apartment is trash from all the binges because I try to clean up, but at 2 or 3am I just don't care. If it's not going to smell the next day, I don't always bother with the boxes and stuff.
I am going a bit crazy I think. I tend to think that I am still fairly sane because in my mind fat=sane when it comes to eating disorders. Like I can't be that illogical if I am still eating and not underweight, but I guess not. I decided a few weeks ago to buy body lotion to maybe help with the loose skin on my arms. I bought this https://www.palmers.com/en/cocoa-butter-formula/6-cocoa-butter-formula-lotion.html
I started using it everyday on my hands and legs and stomach.. I also just have very dry skin. Well, it didn't take long before the crazy started. I started to look at my arms and wonder what really happens with the lotion. I kept thinking that it's just going to get absorbed straight into all the fat and make me bigger.. like I can just imagine my arms getting bigger. I could see it happening with my stomach and my thighs. I stopped using it. I started again last week after telling myself I needed to because my skin was dry and itchy. I could see myself getting bigger. I had to measure myself.. I measured my arms, thighs, and my stomach and they were all if anything at least 1/2 and inch smaller than the last recorded measurements I have. So I'm definitely losing it. I've also had thoughts in the shower about absorbing the water, but I am ignoring those because I know that's not how it works..
So I'm wondering how I got this crazy? I'm wondering if it's lack of proper sleep or all the diet pills or if it's binging and purging all the time. Or maybe I'm not that crazy. I feel like my stomach is bigger because I keep cramming so much food in it.. like I feel like it's sagging more, and I think it's because I am binging to the point that I'm in physical pain and maybe it's stretched and not getting back to normal after purging. I don't know. I feel like I need to take some time off from food to regain some sanity.
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