So the first thing is that my sponsor called me yesterday. I was out shopping. Sam's club (which is a sort of wholesale-ish store that sells things for discounts in large quantities for those who don't have them) buying a pillow.. which is kind of odd, but they had these memory foam pillows that are normally $50 for $20. Anyway, she called me, and I had to call her back after I left because I didn't have good signal. She said it was just to say hi.. which basically translates to because I haven't called in over a week and generally that means something is not going well. We talked about shopping for a bit, and then I talked about work and in sort of veiled terms about the eating disorder. For some reason, I cannot just flat out say to her that I've been binging and purging. Mainly I hate saying the word binging.. I don't know why exactly. I think it's because in the past I've had non-eating disordered people ask dumb questions when they knew I was bulimic.. or even professionals want to know what I was binging on. I have had a psychiatrist ask that and a dietitian, and that's an upsetting question for some reason.. but mainly I feel judged more for binging than for restricting or not eating or any other behavior. So basically I said I've been getting off work and buying food in large amounts, which implies the rest of the behaviors since she knows I'm bulimic. Actually, I worry that she just thinks I'm binging but not purging since I've gained some weight and feel incredibly fat, but I have a feeling that's just in my head. I'm back down to 146 today from almost 149 yesterday, so who knows.. I did tell her though. I did explain what's been going on at work with my boss, so all that is good. Honesty is good, right?
Yesterday was not a great day. I was in a bad mood to begin with. My depression has been worse lately, and I couldn't sleep Monday night/Tuesday morning (I went to bed at 2am). I got up at 3 and ate a bagel and some tortilla chips, which meant I spent the day feeling guilty about eating all of that. I was determined not to eat anything else. Then the actual boss at work (the one above my supervisor) decided to order pizzas for everyone who works nights, and I immediately start feeling worse. They didn't get there until an hour or two later.. 9 pizzas since a lot of people actually work there in various departments. I got to watch as everyone who works with me went and got some. Then I was sitting in the room next to the break room, so I could hear/see through the door as everyone else got some. I felt like crying. Pizza is a binge food for me.. pretty much exclusively a binge food anymore. I was scared to eat it and embarrassed to eat it.
An hour or so later (can you tell I have trouble keeping track of time when I'm anxious?) I had nothing to do and was waiting for something to do.. so just sitting. I kept thinking about the damn pizza. I decided to go move my car to a different parking spot because I was parked on the street not in the lot because it was full when I got there. I come back in, and I stand looking at the pizza (I had stared at it in the break room at least two other times). I decide to get a piece. I enter the calories for 2 pieces into the FitBit app, but I can only manage to put one on a plate. I debate eating it in the break room which is empty but where anyone can walk in at any moment and see me or take it back to my desk where there is another analyst in the room but a door blocking the view from other random people walking by. I do that. I immediately want to purge but am afraid someone would hear if I use the bathroom. I honestly think about going outside and doing it but am afraid of getting it on my clothes or someone seeing me, which would probably be worse than someone hearing me in the bathroom.. so I don't do it. I just feel guilty. Later I have the 2nd piece. Basically because of this, I decide to say fuck it and go buy binge food after work.. and it's after midnight when I get home so I am exhausted but binge anyway.
So yeah.. there's frequently food at work, but it's so much easier when it's something disgusting looking or it's been sitting out all day.
Oh and the other work thing is the daytime supervisor has decided she wants to start changing everyone's schedules.. basically so her people can get an occasional weekend off. It's really dumb actually because she doesn't even usually come in weekends, and there are people who only work weekends, so weekends have people. It gets complicated because some evening people (like me) have certain days they need off.. I need Thursdays for therapy.. they know I need Thursdays off but not why. I was hired with the agreement that I could have this. I always work Sundays. I have no problem working some Saturdays.. she is making this too fucking complicated. I finally when everyone was gone told the evening supervisor why I have Thursdays off because I didn't want to say it in front of everyone, but I need someone to understand it's necessary. My therapist only works certain days and her schedule is always full, so I would need to know weeks in advance if they were changing my days off. He's fine with it.. but I didn't want to be asked in front of everyone what I do on Thursdays, which I have been afraid would happen. Supposedly, today we are going to get a better idea what's going on.
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