So things at work have remained dramatic and insane in various ways...
My supervisor is in trouble for being a jerk to people.. and complaining about working late (when he works no later than anyone else and leaves before me every night)... I don't know. I am less bothered by this than others. He is trying to be nicer now and more attentive, and honestly it's bothering me more.. but he's finally starting to give a shit about how much I'm working..
For me.. I don't know. It's gotten into an insanity where I am never leaving work before 1am, so at least 10 hour shifts 5 days a week. A few days I left by midnight and then several days I left after 2am, so it evens out to more than 50 hours a week still. I'm drinking 2-3 cups of coffee, an energy drink, and a soda at work.. plus 2-3 Lipo 6. I get borderline insane after midnight when everyone goes home.. I start forgetting what I was doing when I go downstairs because I'm only really half awake. I stare at the clipboard of reruns trying to decide how much to do before going home. I stare at the piles of work on my desk. I stare at things on my screen because I have nobody to ask things. I have the entire room all to myself. I get a little paranoid down in the lab too because the lab supervisor is constantly telling me I work too much, so I'm hoping I don't run into her. I hope that nobody has the clipboards I need or is at the machines I need. I hope I can just get back upstairs without talking to anyone.. at the same times I kinda hoped the lab supervisor would say something to someone other than my supervisor about how much I'm working since clearly he hasn't done anything about it. But anyway.. yeah.. insanity.
And I can't keep doing it. I know that. I'm burning out. I can tell because there's days I didn't want to eat.. and I always eat at work. Well.. one day I felt nauseous all day. A coworker offered to buy pizza and I actually said out loud "I think pizza would make me cry"... which thankfully nobody acknowledged because I am well aware that's not a normal statement if you don't have an eating disorder. We ordered chinese food. I got some tofu thing, and a coworker kept giving me grief for how little I was eating and not eating the rice and everything.. it was frustrating as hell. I wanted to smack her because I was really trying and I felt ill. I even ate some rice later because I kept getting dizzy. I did stop binging and purging for a few days because of that though.. I had no appetite. That was a little nice. That weird dizziness thing that's been going on wasn't.. I think it's dehydration.
I am just not handling things well.. the depression is getting worse. I have cut a few times. I've had OCD behaviors popping up.. banging my wrists on things.. tapping my fingers.. others that are hard to explain when I'm not doing them. Definitely feel like I'm going nuts. Also binging and purging.. I even purged at work because we ordered pizza Wednesday.
Well anyway, i guess they're finally going to deal with it. The other day I had this awkward conversation with my supervisor.. mainly about people complaining about him. But he said something about me working too much. He said the solution was to stop working so much and let the work build up so they'd have to come up with a solution. I said I was not ok with that. I said the last time we got so behind I worked until 3 AM for days to catch up. So I said there has to be another way
So I guess we're going to talk with the daytime supervisor Tuesday... he may have spoken to her some. I commented that I didn't think she was aware of how late I was staying.. well nobody was. Honestly.. I am scared of all this. I am scared that really she think I should be able to get more work in during 8 hours rather than always working 10. Or I'm scared I will have someone helping me and hate it. Or I won't know what to do with myself if I leave at midnight.. and really the answer is probably going to be binge and purge these days. I would almost rather keep working this way until I absolutely can't. Except at the same time, I'm researching my insurance benefits for treatment since clearly the bulimia is out of control.. and honestly the depression is a bit bad too..
So I don't know what will happen. I kind of hope my supervisor will be his usual self and forget that he ever offered to help me. And I can keep working myself to death.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Food- the good and bad (TW)
So life is pretty much the same. It revolves around work, sleep, and food.. I am avoiding most social situations outside of work. I am still staying up until 3-4am no matter what time I get home, and I am therefore sleeping until noon at least. Work is drama filled lately.. my boss is being an ass. Yesterday he was an ass to someone who works in the lab (who did NOT deserve it) after generally being an ass all day. I had just been working on not engaging whenever he started on some rant (this was all via instant messenger from across the room to me) or complained about someone or got all doom and gloom (he actually said we were "headed into the dark" at some point) because I didn't want to piss him off but was refusing to get sucked in. Well, he went off on her, and then she called our boss (like the one who sits behind me who is head of toxicology) about it. Then she called him.. and I don't know how that went. I heard him on the phone almost in tears about how he doesn't want to seem evil.. and I went downstairs for coffee. He later came and said stuff to us about how he gets stressed and that creates a bad environment and we need to tell him when he's doing that.. like that's going to go well. I did tell him after that that he needs to not criticize people out loud while he's working on things.. whether they're in the room or not. Complaining and criticizing them like that is not ok. And he took that ok.. but I doubt it would have worked earlier in the evening.
As far as food.. there is good and bad.
The bad is I'm binging and purging almost everyday now... not quite that much, but it's been a lot.
My therapist also says I'm restricting, but I argue I am eating plenty of calories.. but I also didn't really mention the frequency of binging and purging and I assume I'm getting some calories there
The good (?) I am still not eating meat.. it's going ok. I mean I haven't had meat in a few weeks. I have knowingly (and probably unknowingly) had some foods that weren't vegetarian.. like I have these fiber gummies that contain gelatin I bought a week or two before I decided to stop eating meat. When I ran out of the other fiber supplement I had (which was vegetarian but I hadn't liked so wasn't taking), I decided to go ahead and take the other since I already owned it.. the damage is done when it's bought, right? Wasting it doesn't help animals. Then there's this whole cheese issue.. vegetarians can eat cheese, but some cheese is not vegetarian because of how it's made. I read this at some point and have been maybe a little obsessed with this fact. Most cheese doesn't say which it is.. and some I know isn't vegetarian and have eaten anyway (damn pita chips). I bought a bunch of vegetarian friendly cheese for binging while at Whole Foods and then found another brand I can buy for a reasonable price (compared to the Whole Foods brand) at the regular grocery store. And then yeah.. unknown, but I am not eating meat or anything with meat in it.. and generally avoiding certain animal ingredients. Still eating dairy and eggs although I tried to explain the cheese thing to my therapist and she said "So you want to be vegan?" and I am like no that's not what I'm saying. And re-explained that dairy is fine, but it's the other ingredient that's the problem I'm avoiding and it's only certain brands. And she's like "But you want to be vegan?" and I'm like NO I WANT TO EAT FUCKING CHEESE ALL THE TIME but am just concerned about the source. Yeah.. whatever
The good.. I am debating the idea of food challenges for myself inspired by those being tackled by another dear blogger. This was going to be self chosen at first because my challenges are probably strange.. I mean I eat all sorts of food.. chips, candy, cookies.. that stuff. The challenge was originally going to be fruit. I haven't figured out how to manage this. I was all set to buy sliced apples at Target on Friday, but they all looked brown/not fresh. I could have bought an actual apple but wouldn't have a way to slice it at work, and eating it whole was not something I was willing to try. So I postponed that. I failed at buying apples again tonight.
BUT I did succeed in something else. I cooked. And it wasn't just frozen food.. and it vaguely followed an actual recipe. I have been wanting buffalo wings, and I couldn't have chicken.. and while I bought some vegetarian/fake ones for binge purposes.. I decided that surely I could make some sort of buffalo thing with chickpeas. So I bought them and the hot sauce and salad to go with it.. with the goal of some sort of buffalo chickpea salad. I then got home and found a recipe for buffalo-roasted chickpeas. And I made them. I used a can opener and a mixing bowl (not a paper disposable bowl) and measuring spoons (although I didn't exactly follow the measurements in the recipe for the spices). The salad will be tomorrow, but I made the chickpea part tonight and they are pretty tasty.. Weird and definitely not chicken, but I was craving hot sauce and this will do.
So cooking was that challenge.. next I will eventually try to manage fresh fruit. But I could manage only one challenging task tonight and hot sauce craving won out.
If anyone is interested, this is the recipe I used
http://www.cleaneatingveggiegirl.com/2014/11/09/roasted-buffalo-chickpeas-buffalo-chickpea-salad/
As far as food.. there is good and bad.
The bad is I'm binging and purging almost everyday now... not quite that much, but it's been a lot.
My therapist also says I'm restricting, but I argue I am eating plenty of calories.. but I also didn't really mention the frequency of binging and purging and I assume I'm getting some calories there
The good (?) I am still not eating meat.. it's going ok. I mean I haven't had meat in a few weeks. I have knowingly (and probably unknowingly) had some foods that weren't vegetarian.. like I have these fiber gummies that contain gelatin I bought a week or two before I decided to stop eating meat. When I ran out of the other fiber supplement I had (which was vegetarian but I hadn't liked so wasn't taking), I decided to go ahead and take the other since I already owned it.. the damage is done when it's bought, right? Wasting it doesn't help animals. Then there's this whole cheese issue.. vegetarians can eat cheese, but some cheese is not vegetarian because of how it's made. I read this at some point and have been maybe a little obsessed with this fact. Most cheese doesn't say which it is.. and some I know isn't vegetarian and have eaten anyway (damn pita chips). I bought a bunch of vegetarian friendly cheese for binging while at Whole Foods and then found another brand I can buy for a reasonable price (compared to the Whole Foods brand) at the regular grocery store. And then yeah.. unknown, but I am not eating meat or anything with meat in it.. and generally avoiding certain animal ingredients. Still eating dairy and eggs although I tried to explain the cheese thing to my therapist and she said "So you want to be vegan?" and I am like no that's not what I'm saying. And re-explained that dairy is fine, but it's the other ingredient that's the problem I'm avoiding and it's only certain brands. And she's like "But you want to be vegan?" and I'm like NO I WANT TO EAT FUCKING CHEESE ALL THE TIME but am just concerned about the source. Yeah.. whatever
The good.. I am debating the idea of food challenges for myself inspired by those being tackled by another dear blogger. This was going to be self chosen at first because my challenges are probably strange.. I mean I eat all sorts of food.. chips, candy, cookies.. that stuff. The challenge was originally going to be fruit. I haven't figured out how to manage this. I was all set to buy sliced apples at Target on Friday, but they all looked brown/not fresh. I could have bought an actual apple but wouldn't have a way to slice it at work, and eating it whole was not something I was willing to try. So I postponed that. I failed at buying apples again tonight.
BUT I did succeed in something else. I cooked. And it wasn't just frozen food.. and it vaguely followed an actual recipe. I have been wanting buffalo wings, and I couldn't have chicken.. and while I bought some vegetarian/fake ones for binge purposes.. I decided that surely I could make some sort of buffalo thing with chickpeas. So I bought them and the hot sauce and salad to go with it.. with the goal of some sort of buffalo chickpea salad. I then got home and found a recipe for buffalo-roasted chickpeas. And I made them. I used a can opener and a mixing bowl (not a paper disposable bowl) and measuring spoons (although I didn't exactly follow the measurements in the recipe for the spices). The salad will be tomorrow, but I made the chickpea part tonight and they are pretty tasty.. Weird and definitely not chicken, but I was craving hot sauce and this will do.
So cooking was that challenge.. next I will eventually try to manage fresh fruit. But I could manage only one challenging task tonight and hot sauce craving won out.
If anyone is interested, this is the recipe I used
http://www.cleaneatingveggiegirl.com/2014/11/09/roasted-buffalo-chickpeas-buffalo-chickpea-salad/
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Eating disorder vs logic
I originally intended to write a post titled eating disorder logic, but I changed the title since the point was to talk about the contradiction in that phrase.. eating disorder logic. One thing I can say is true now vs 8 years ago when I was in treatment for the first time is that I see a lot more of the illogical thinking than I did then. I am not going to claim I see all of it.
So I'll get to what brought this topic up in a minute. There's a lot of illogical thinking when it comes to food choices. I mentioned last time that the majority of what I eat is "junk food." Part of this has to do with how hard it is for me to buy other foods.. Some examples..
Yogurt: I cannot convinced myself to buy yogurt with more than 110-120 calories and it has to be nonfat. It also needs to not have a lot of sugar, but I am not sure what the limit on sugar is. I just pick them up and stare at them generally and put them back. If it's 100 calories or less, I can generally buy it. A lot of times though yogurt just sits in my fridge until it expires though because I'm still embarrassed to eat it.
Granola bars have to be less than 120 calories, but have at least 3g of fiber and 2 of protein.. if they're more calories they have to have more fiber and protein. They also can't have more than 2-3g of fat.
Fruit.. I have yet to get over my fear of fruit. I don't know why. This dates back to when my eating disorder started. I didn't own a food scale then, and it freaked me out not to be able to calculate the calories in fruit since it comes in all sizes and shapes. I stopped eating it until I went into treatment. Then I only ate it when I had to, and I have gone through phases since where I stop eating it again. It also kinda applies to some vegetables, but those mostly have other problems. But I bought sliced apples a week or so ago, and I haven't touched them.. oops.
Ok then there's the problem that I am embarrassed to be seen eating "meals" because in my mind I am too fat to eat meals. This mainly applies to anything that has to be eaten with a fork or spoon.. so no soups, rice, beans, basically anything cooked.. no frozen meals or anything where I have to be seen using the microwave (I did finally break that rule yesterday). At home I can eat them, but I can't do it at work. The only thing I can eat that requires a fork is salads, and that is still a challenge.
The illogical part in this is that I am more scared to buy yogurt or fruit than to buy pita chips and cheetos. I can be seen eating cheetos or cereal at work but not a lean cuisine or a sandwich or something.
I actually kinda joked about it yesterday (but nobody I think has any idea that I have an eating disorder yet) when two guys were talking about losing weight and eating brown rice and vegetables.. one of the bosses basically doesn't eat bread or most carbs. Anyway, I said I just eat a calorie controlled amount of cheetos, but that's actually true. I lost a lot of weight by either 1. purging 2. fasting 3. eating limited amounts of unhealthy food. But whatever...
I am making progress. I mean I have eaten yogurt recently and cheese. I did use the microwave at work to heat up some frozen quinoa thing. But this progress may end up meaning eating less, which I'm happy with.
What brought this up.. (this is a bit TMI) is a poor choice I made yesterday. So when I was first sick 8-9 years ago, in addition to restricting and throwing up most of what I ate, I abused laxatives. I was taking 8-10 everyday.. actually a lot more some days. I think the max I remember was 18. My body was dependent on them. I was abusing diuretics as well and diet pills. I stopped all of that when I was in treatment (with a few slips). Since then, I have avoided laxatives.. the stimulant ones at least. And my body does NOT respond well to them. I can't even handle a single pill now. But recently my digestion has been screwed up for some reason. Terrible gas and bloating and constipation. That's been going on for weeks, and I don't know why. I tried probiotics. I tried digestive enzyme supplements for a few days. I drink water and take fiber supplements. I tried the magnesium based laxatives, and that did little, so knowing full well it was a bad idea I took a laxative last night. Some bisacodyl based kind, which also expired in January (not sure if that is relevant). I took a single pill, and I have been miserable today. It certainly worked, but I've also had stomach cramps and diarrhea all evening. I went to Target on the way home from my parents house and thought I was going to pass out. I was standing reading the ingredients on fruit snacks (to see if they had gelatin in them) and my vision was kinda blurry because I guess I was dehydrated? Like really? The thing is I knew this would happen. It happens every time I take one. My body over reacts. Maybe it's because I used them for so long.
Oh and I felt like I was going to pass out.. but I still felt like I needed to buy binge food. That's just what I do on Thursdays. So I still walked around until I found a sufficient amount of food.
So I'll get to what brought this topic up in a minute. There's a lot of illogical thinking when it comes to food choices. I mentioned last time that the majority of what I eat is "junk food." Part of this has to do with how hard it is for me to buy other foods.. Some examples..
Yogurt: I cannot convinced myself to buy yogurt with more than 110-120 calories and it has to be nonfat. It also needs to not have a lot of sugar, but I am not sure what the limit on sugar is. I just pick them up and stare at them generally and put them back. If it's 100 calories or less, I can generally buy it. A lot of times though yogurt just sits in my fridge until it expires though because I'm still embarrassed to eat it.
Granola bars have to be less than 120 calories, but have at least 3g of fiber and 2 of protein.. if they're more calories they have to have more fiber and protein. They also can't have more than 2-3g of fat.
Fruit.. I have yet to get over my fear of fruit. I don't know why. This dates back to when my eating disorder started. I didn't own a food scale then, and it freaked me out not to be able to calculate the calories in fruit since it comes in all sizes and shapes. I stopped eating it until I went into treatment. Then I only ate it when I had to, and I have gone through phases since where I stop eating it again. It also kinda applies to some vegetables, but those mostly have other problems. But I bought sliced apples a week or so ago, and I haven't touched them.. oops.
Ok then there's the problem that I am embarrassed to be seen eating "meals" because in my mind I am too fat to eat meals. This mainly applies to anything that has to be eaten with a fork or spoon.. so no soups, rice, beans, basically anything cooked.. no frozen meals or anything where I have to be seen using the microwave (I did finally break that rule yesterday). At home I can eat them, but I can't do it at work. The only thing I can eat that requires a fork is salads, and that is still a challenge.
The illogical part in this is that I am more scared to buy yogurt or fruit than to buy pita chips and cheetos. I can be seen eating cheetos or cereal at work but not a lean cuisine or a sandwich or something.
I actually kinda joked about it yesterday (but nobody I think has any idea that I have an eating disorder yet) when two guys were talking about losing weight and eating brown rice and vegetables.. one of the bosses basically doesn't eat bread or most carbs. Anyway, I said I just eat a calorie controlled amount of cheetos, but that's actually true. I lost a lot of weight by either 1. purging 2. fasting 3. eating limited amounts of unhealthy food. But whatever...
I am making progress. I mean I have eaten yogurt recently and cheese. I did use the microwave at work to heat up some frozen quinoa thing. But this progress may end up meaning eating less, which I'm happy with.
What brought this up.. (this is a bit TMI) is a poor choice I made yesterday. So when I was first sick 8-9 years ago, in addition to restricting and throwing up most of what I ate, I abused laxatives. I was taking 8-10 everyday.. actually a lot more some days. I think the max I remember was 18. My body was dependent on them. I was abusing diuretics as well and diet pills. I stopped all of that when I was in treatment (with a few slips). Since then, I have avoided laxatives.. the stimulant ones at least. And my body does NOT respond well to them. I can't even handle a single pill now. But recently my digestion has been screwed up for some reason. Terrible gas and bloating and constipation. That's been going on for weeks, and I don't know why. I tried probiotics. I tried digestive enzyme supplements for a few days. I drink water and take fiber supplements. I tried the magnesium based laxatives, and that did little, so knowing full well it was a bad idea I took a laxative last night. Some bisacodyl based kind, which also expired in January (not sure if that is relevant). I took a single pill, and I have been miserable today. It certainly worked, but I've also had stomach cramps and diarrhea all evening. I went to Target on the way home from my parents house and thought I was going to pass out. I was standing reading the ingredients on fruit snacks (to see if they had gelatin in them) and my vision was kinda blurry because I guess I was dehydrated? Like really? The thing is I knew this would happen. It happens every time I take one. My body over reacts. Maybe it's because I used them for so long.
Oh and I felt like I was going to pass out.. but I still felt like I needed to buy binge food. That's just what I do on Thursdays. So I still walked around until I found a sufficient amount of food.
Random insights before going to bed
This is going to just be randomness.. sorry. Well, not that sorry. Short randomness is probably better than the usual long ramblings.
The first bit has to do with food.. I am considering not eating meat. Well, I have considered this for a long time. In all honesty, I don't eat it much except during binges because I eat odd things the rest of the time. I don't eat actual meals anymore. But it's more of a conscious choice now. I had a small amount of turkey sausage at lunch yesterday, and that's all I've had since Saturday I believe. My memory is terrible. Well no.. I had gummy bears that I had already bought, which have gelatin in them, but I had already bought them so after a long debate I ate them anyway. The thing is I cannot honestly decide if I am doing this because I have a moral issue with eating meat.. there is some truth in that. The truth to that is that I have always had difficulty with the idea that some animals are pets and some animals are food. That some animals are considered sentient and others are not, but there is a very unclear boundary there. And in general there are problems with the food industry. I am not however entirely convinced in that for example I own a cat and could never force my cat to be a vegetarian.. cats are evolved to eat meat. Their teeth are. Their digestive system is designed to process protein and fats not carbs and sugars and fruits and veggies. I mean I feed him dried cat food.. but the idea of vegetarian food for him seems wrong, and if I believe he can eat meat, then why is it wrong that humans can't?
But the debate in my head is more whether or not this is an issue of morals or an excuse to feel guilty about food. Can I make myself feel more guilty about food? Can I eliminate pretty much all fast food restaurants and restaurants I eat at? Can I eliminate a large number of binge foods? Can I have an excuse to not eat the catered food at work? To question ingredients? To not eat candy? Realize I don't cook.. My kitchen is something of a disaster zone. I use the oven and microwave to heat frozen foods and packaged foods. I don't cook. On a usual day, I take to work some sort of snack food (pita chips or cheetos), maybe cheese or yogurt, and some kind of candy.. plus an energy drink and a diet soda. Oh or maybe hummus instead of cheese or yogurt. Basically one healthy item and then junk.. and then when I get home I have more of whatever junk food I have. Or I binge... but this limits the binging.. and it limits the eating at work to mean it's never an option to change my mind and eat whatever is in the fridge there (unless it's salad). It means no picking up Chipotle or a salad at Target on the way (I looked and they all have chicken). See my point? I mean I even see the point. I'm well aware of how this could/probably is the eating disorder. I just can't tell if it's 100% that or 50% that or less.. we'll see.. but for now it seems no meat
The other bit is just random. I have been listening to the book Wasted as an audio book off and on for a month or so.. I've read it a million times (well maybe 10 at least) before over the years, so it's not new.. but I heard something last night that struck me. There's this bit when she's working in D.C.
"Diagnostically speaking, I'm manic. If I'm not busy, I start wondering what's wrong with me. I start feeling lazy, and I search for something to do. I do not have an off switch. But while I was in Washington, this became extreme. The activity was desperate. And I still can't tell, in retrospect, whether it was a desperate attempt to stay busy enough to keep myself alive, or an attempt to work myself to death. I became became very afraid of sleep, and of stillness"
It just sounds like me lately.. and I was reading about diet pills last night and how they can in those with bipolar make manic symptoms worse.. and there is something like mania to how I've been working lately. The desperation to it. I feel lazy. I feel slow. I am convinced I am not getting anything done.. and I'm working at least 10 hours a day 5 days a week. Someone in the lab snitched on me to my supervisor.. well not really.. but told him I was still there at 1am. He said something about me being there late. I said I never leave before midnight. He said she said it was after 1. I said I pretty much never leave before 1am anymore. He said I need to stop doing it. I said he was just saying it's a problem how far behind my area of work is (the reruns) and we need to catch up and not fall behind.
But I feel a bit suicidal at times... and it's when I'm not working. It's when I'm at home (and not sleeping). It's when I am still and stop and think about life and school. And I don't always want to exist. I cried last night listening to the book. And I am starting to cry now. This is how stillness feels. Sleep I'm ok with.. it's the rest of the time. I did stop taking my mood stabilizer for about a week. I'm taking it now. Maybe that's part of it too.. coupled with the caffeine. My current psychiatrist didn't buy into the bipolar diagnosis from one of my last inpatient stays, but off my meds I can definitely go quite crazy and not just with sadness. But on that note I am going to bed. Tonight the network went down at work right after midnight, so I couldn't work anymore... there was a little relief and a LOT of guilt over what I was leaving, but there is always guilt whenever I leave.
The first bit has to do with food.. I am considering not eating meat. Well, I have considered this for a long time. In all honesty, I don't eat it much except during binges because I eat odd things the rest of the time. I don't eat actual meals anymore. But it's more of a conscious choice now. I had a small amount of turkey sausage at lunch yesterday, and that's all I've had since Saturday I believe. My memory is terrible. Well no.. I had gummy bears that I had already bought, which have gelatin in them, but I had already bought them so after a long debate I ate them anyway. The thing is I cannot honestly decide if I am doing this because I have a moral issue with eating meat.. there is some truth in that. The truth to that is that I have always had difficulty with the idea that some animals are pets and some animals are food. That some animals are considered sentient and others are not, but there is a very unclear boundary there. And in general there are problems with the food industry. I am not however entirely convinced in that for example I own a cat and could never force my cat to be a vegetarian.. cats are evolved to eat meat. Their teeth are. Their digestive system is designed to process protein and fats not carbs and sugars and fruits and veggies. I mean I feed him dried cat food.. but the idea of vegetarian food for him seems wrong, and if I believe he can eat meat, then why is it wrong that humans can't?
But the debate in my head is more whether or not this is an issue of morals or an excuse to feel guilty about food. Can I make myself feel more guilty about food? Can I eliminate pretty much all fast food restaurants and restaurants I eat at? Can I eliminate a large number of binge foods? Can I have an excuse to not eat the catered food at work? To question ingredients? To not eat candy? Realize I don't cook.. My kitchen is something of a disaster zone. I use the oven and microwave to heat frozen foods and packaged foods. I don't cook. On a usual day, I take to work some sort of snack food (pita chips or cheetos), maybe cheese or yogurt, and some kind of candy.. plus an energy drink and a diet soda. Oh or maybe hummus instead of cheese or yogurt. Basically one healthy item and then junk.. and then when I get home I have more of whatever junk food I have. Or I binge... but this limits the binging.. and it limits the eating at work to mean it's never an option to change my mind and eat whatever is in the fridge there (unless it's salad). It means no picking up Chipotle or a salad at Target on the way (I looked and they all have chicken). See my point? I mean I even see the point. I'm well aware of how this could/probably is the eating disorder. I just can't tell if it's 100% that or 50% that or less.. we'll see.. but for now it seems no meat
The other bit is just random. I have been listening to the book Wasted as an audio book off and on for a month or so.. I've read it a million times (well maybe 10 at least) before over the years, so it's not new.. but I heard something last night that struck me. There's this bit when she's working in D.C.
"Diagnostically speaking, I'm manic. If I'm not busy, I start wondering what's wrong with me. I start feeling lazy, and I search for something to do. I do not have an off switch. But while I was in Washington, this became extreme. The activity was desperate. And I still can't tell, in retrospect, whether it was a desperate attempt to stay busy enough to keep myself alive, or an attempt to work myself to death. I became became very afraid of sleep, and of stillness"
It just sounds like me lately.. and I was reading about diet pills last night and how they can in those with bipolar make manic symptoms worse.. and there is something like mania to how I've been working lately. The desperation to it. I feel lazy. I feel slow. I am convinced I am not getting anything done.. and I'm working at least 10 hours a day 5 days a week. Someone in the lab snitched on me to my supervisor.. well not really.. but told him I was still there at 1am. He said something about me being there late. I said I never leave before midnight. He said she said it was after 1. I said I pretty much never leave before 1am anymore. He said I need to stop doing it. I said he was just saying it's a problem how far behind my area of work is (the reruns) and we need to catch up and not fall behind.
But I feel a bit suicidal at times... and it's when I'm not working. It's when I'm at home (and not sleeping). It's when I am still and stop and think about life and school. And I don't always want to exist. I cried last night listening to the book. And I am starting to cry now. This is how stillness feels. Sleep I'm ok with.. it's the rest of the time. I did stop taking my mood stabilizer for about a week. I'm taking it now. Maybe that's part of it too.. coupled with the caffeine. My current psychiatrist didn't buy into the bipolar diagnosis from one of my last inpatient stays, but off my meds I can definitely go quite crazy and not just with sadness. But on that note I am going to bed. Tonight the network went down at work right after midnight, so I couldn't work anymore... there was a little relief and a LOT of guilt over what I was leaving, but there is always guilt whenever I leave.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)