When are you recovered?

I feel like I rarely discuss my eating disorder here anymore, but I feel like rambling.

So I mentally rehearse conversations pretty frequently. Conversations that might happen. Conversations that will never happen. I imagine all sorts. In these, I sometimes imagine saying I am a "recovered" bulimic. Then sometimes I correct this to I am "recovering" from bulimia.

This came up most recently thinking of how to explain why I need a new psychiatrist. A major reason is that I should not be seeing someone who has repeatedly mentioned prescribing me amphetamines. I don't know why. I don't have ADD. For years I abused diet pills. I have manipulated one doctor to give me Ritalin for fatigue. I have gotten this one to give me Vyvanse for binging. The fact that I have repeatedly told him no when he mentions Adderall says something about my recovery. The fact I voluntarily bought boost supplement drinks to increase my intake because I was struggling to keep down food says something. I was upset this morning that a friend commented on my eating, asking if I didn't like my food. I explained that I eat slowly because I just got over whatever stomach issue landed me in the er for dehydration. She quickly said she wouldn't want to pressure me to eat so quickly I would get sick. This friend has recently been in treatment again for her anorexia.

But in my head, I have a hard time ever calling myself recovered. I feel like once you have an eating disorder, you will always have an eating disorder. I still have disordered habits. I spend a great deal of time on eating disorder websites. I created an instagram account just to follow people with eating disorders.

It's like my thoughts and actions are very different. My behavior says recovery but my mind misses being ill.

I recently spent a great deal of time thinking of binging and purging. I imagined where I would go and what I would eat. I tried to plan the perfect binge knowing it would probably never happen. I imagined purging despite all the time I have recently spent trying to keep more food down.

So I have trouble thinking I have recovered despite not having binged or purged (except after the Tylenol overdose) in a long time. I have trouble believing I am recovered when I try to tell my doctor that amphetamines make me crazy because part of me wants them.

I buy whole milk yogurt in different flavors after years of only eating nonfat vanilla. I eat fruit, which probably doesn't seem as huge as it is. I had a huge fear of fruit and negotiated having a starch instead of fruit for snacks in treatment because fruit has no nutrition labels.

Yet I recently ate dinner at work and had chicken dipped in mustard, and I saw the weird look I got from a coworker. I have an unusual love for mustard and salt. I also realized that the upset stomach I had was likely from the sugar alcohols in the Halo Top ice cream I ate, and still bought another pint. I still drink diet soda except occasionally have regular with my vodka.

This is all just rambling. I just wonder if it is actions or thoughts that make you recovered, and do the thoughts ever really go away? So I guess in my head I would rather say I am recovering because I still have disordered thoughts and actions. I have known "recovered" anorexics who I could tell were in denial, and I don't want to be seen the way I viewed them (not as bad people but just lying to themselves). I would rather believe I am recovering but still need to improve. I don't want to be happy where I am. I do give myself credit for all the actions I take. In the same way I know I have made progress with the depression and with at least accepting I am an alcoholic. I just wonder if it is ever actually gone or if recovery is something that must constantly be maintained. Either way, I am fairly content with where I am. I don't miss the insanity of bulimia. I am insane enough without it. I may fantasize about binges, but I remember frantically trying to find the right combination of food and frantically trying to purge. I like my fruit and fatty yogurts. It is progress and it requires a lot less worry.

Denial and poor choices

So I am mostly trying to avoid thinking about what the doctor said about my liver. I am also at times actively in denial.

My brain's 2 main arguments
1. The ultrasound may have shown fatty liver and possibly cirrhosis, but my billirubin dropped from 4 to 3.1, and I am no longer jaundice. That means my liver is better than when I was last in the hospital. (There is some validity to this)
2. She mainly said fatty liver, which is a benign condition and possibly early cirrhosis

So technically both arguments are true, but they ignore the whole point which is my liver is damaged. It also ignores the fact that I am not taking any steps to prevent making it worse. I am still drinking. I have not made any changes to my diet that are suggested (lower fat and lower salt). I had Taco Bell for lunch and dumped tons of salt and mustard on my chicken at dinner. I am admittedly torn between the need to eat better and just needing to eat. I get sick when I don't. I have lost some weight, which is not bad, but I can tell I mostly lost muscle. I mean healthy people don't leave their laundry in the car for days because they are too weak to carry it up the stairs. I also don't trust myself to walk up stairs without holding the railing ever since the time my legs gave out.

I am making other poor choices. I am not taking my meds. I don't think they were helping. I also am too embarrassed to admit that I am not sure what I am supposed to be taking. I know the 2 antidepressants, but I don't really remember him telling me to stop the wellbutrin or if I am just supposed to be on Seroquel for sleep or also doxepin. I don't think this is entirely my fault. He mostly just talks during appointments rather than focusing on the medicine. He gives me scripts with 5 refills, which given my tendency to not make appointments unless I need Seroquel, is idiotic. I am thinking of finding another doctor. He also keeps trying to give me amphetamines, and I really don't know why. It is amazing of me to continually tell him no. I mean he thinks I am bipolar and he also knows I have bad anxiety. Why on earth would he offer me Adderall? Last time he asked why I stopped the Vyvanse (prescribed for binging), and the answer is that I know I only wanted it so I could eat less. I tell him Ritalin makes me manic and crazy. We have had this discussion several times. I really would love something to give me energy, but I logically know I do not need it. I really need a doctor who listens, who acknowledges all my diagnoses (you don't offer amphetamines to someone recovered from an eating disorder), and who clearly communicates what I am taking and why. I admit some of this is that I have trouble remembering what he says because 1. ECT and alcohol have damaged my memory and 2. I have this tendency to shut down when anxious. My brain shuts off and I only remember bits and pieces.

Also when I explained the situation at work, he asked if I thought they were trying to get rid of me. What doctor fucking suggests that kind of idea to a patient?

Work is.. I don't know. My supervisor finally at least started my competency test. I was incredibly frustrated because she was simultaneously trying to get me to do other things while interrupting me for the test. Like I am supposed to be closing more and she is trying to get me to stop to do other things. Plus, she just did little things that irritated me. Like when I was being tested over exporting data, she kept taking the necessary papers away because she didn't want me to cheat by looking at them. But I can't start exporting properly without those. Previously, I have just been allowed to export a plate like I normally would while explaining what I was doing.

Then just in general I am frustrated. I told her about the liver stuff since I had previously told her I was concerned about it. She said we should talk with the manager there but she was busy. I went back to my desk and she asked if I had talked to the boss since that was supposed to be a daily thing. I said the boss hadn't been in her office and I had basically been waiting to see if she asked to talk to me. I asked if I should go ask her. Well, she was busy. Then both the boss and manager left without saying anything to me. So I don't know if I should tell the manager and basically feel unimportant. I am also unclear as to whether the boss still wants to chat everyday since I had to ask to talk to her and she left without mentioning it. In some ways it is reassuring because I am not being treated like the crazy one, but I also feel like they don't care anymore?

I did finish a full plate today. I am hoping once the competency test is done, they will let me go back to closing. I am bothered that the trainees can see that I am not allowed to close because I worry that they don't see me as experienced. In the middle of the competency test my supervisor said something to a trainee who clearly didn't understand what she was telling her to do. I am not sure what the supervisor thought that I stopped answering the test questions to ask the trainee to come to my computer so I could explain, but I simply could not not explain. I just think they view me as training because I can't close and not as someone with more experience than anyone besides the supervisors (and one person who was hired when I was).

I should go to bed. I am having brunch with a friend in the morning. The first of several planned social activities this week. I am going to do my best not to cancel any of them.

Dehydration

And I got sent to the emergency room because I am dehydrated and orthostatic. Fun times

And

They did an ultrasound and I do have early cirrhosis

Doctors

I don't really remember if I wrote about this and am too lazy to go look. I have been sick for a few days. I am guessing a stomach virus, but I was already having stomach problems.. so who knows. I kept no food down Tuesday. Yesterday I managed a few popsicles.

I love my parents. I was supposed to go to  their house for dinner, but I emailed my mom that basically I couldn't drive that far on so little food and sleep. I kept getting dizzy. I managed to go buy pedialyte and cat food, but I could tell my legs were shaking too much to be driving. I ended up asking if they would come have dinner near me because today they're leaving for vacation and I really wanted to see them. They not only drove what is nearly an hour to have dinner. They offered to drive me to my psychiatrist appointment and to the pharmacy to get my meds. I know I am sometimes critical of my parents, but I do know they honestly care.

My psychiatrist.. not that sure about. He seems to be a genuinely nice person, but he just has this way of occasionally saying really tactless things. The first that bothered me was when he asked if I talk about the cutting on my blog. I really should never mention having a blog (nobody I know in regular life knows the title or anything else) to people because it really is not his business what I write about.

The second was when I was talking about work. He actually asked if I think they're trying to get rid of me. Yes, I have thought that.. but what psychiatrist would say that? He also basically suggested my job is the problem. He said he thinks I need to go back to the hospital. He asked if they did fire me would I qualify for unemployment. Then he told me stories about various people he knew who had liver problems (obviously to scare me). He told me I am very stubborn with a lot of denial. While I do not disagree, it wasn't the best way to say it.

Today I have my GP appointment. I am not looking forward to it. I really am not in denial. I know I have a lot of scary shit going on. I know I should be in the hospital. I know that liver failure is a horrible way to die. So I don't particularly want to go. I also cannot find my discharge folder from the hospital, so I am scared it will be days or weeks before I know how bad it is. I think they may be in my car somewhere. I am really not sure if I want to know because it isn't likely to make getting sober easier. It just means being scared. I am scared. I have started praying again. I bought a rosary bracelet (and on a lighter note had to tell my cat not to eat the virgin Mary because he started chewing on it). I am not unaware of reality. I just don't know how to fix it. Every possible step seems impossible.

I don't know. For now I am going back to sleep. I still am struggling to keep down food. For those of you who have eating disorders, you will understand how significant this is. I bought boost supplement drinks (and not the low calorie ones) because I am legitimately trying to get nutrition. I at least hope I can beg the doctor for something for nausea because I still keep getting dizzy and every part of my body aches. I keep imagining every food I want, but after my failed attempt at a salad last night.. not sure I am brave enough for more than popsicles and pedialyte

I will update about the doctor later

Doctors

I don't really remember if I wrote about this and am too lazy to go look. I have been sick for a few days. I am guessing a stomach virus, but I was already having stomach problems.. so who knows. I kept no food down Tuesday. Yesterday I managed a few popsicles.

I love my parents. I was supposed to go to  their house for dinner, but I emailed my mom that basically I couldn't drive that far on so little food and sleep. I kept getting dizzy. I managed to go buy pedialyte and cat food, but I could tell my legs were shaking too much to be driving. I ended up asking if they would come have dinner near me because today they're leaving for vacation and I really wanted to see them. They not only drove what is nearly an hour to have dinner. They offered to drive me to my psychiatrist appointment and to the pharmacy to get my meds. I know I am sometimes critical of my parents, but I do know they honestly care.

My psychiatrist.. not that sure about. He seems to be a genuinely nice person, but he just has this way of occasionally saying really tactless things. The first that bothered me was when he asked if I talk about the cutting on my blog. I really should never mention having a blog (nobody I know in regular life knows the title or anything else) to people because it really is not his business what I write about.

The second was when I was talking about work. He actually asked if I think they're trying to get rid of me. Yes, I have thought that.. but what psychiatrist would say that? He also basically suggested my job is the problem. He said he thinks I need to go back to the hospital. He asked if they did fire me would I qualify for unemployment. Then he told me stories about various people he knew who had liver problems (obviously to scare me). He told me I am very stubborn with a lot of denial. While I do not disagree, it wasn't the best way to say it.

Today I have my GP appointment. I am not looking forward to it. I really am not in denial. I know I have a lot of scary shit going on. I know I should be in the hospital. I know that liver failure is a horrible way to die. So I don't particularly want to go. I also cannot find my discharge folder from the hospital, so I am scared it will be days or weeks before I know how bad it is. I think they may be in my car somewhere. I am really not sure if I want to know because it isn't likely to make getting sober easier. It just means being scared. I am scared. I have started praying again. I bought a rosary bracelet (and on a lighter note had to tell my cat not to eat the virgin Mary because he started chewing on it). I am not unaware of reality. I just don't know how to fix it. Every possible step seems impossible.

I don't know. For now I am going back to sleep. I still am struggling to keep down food. For those of you who have eating disorders, you will understand how significant this is. I bought boost supplement drinks (and not the low calorie ones) because I am legitimately trying to get nutrition. I at least hope I can beg the doctor for something for nausea because I still keep getting dizzy and every part of my body aches. I keep imagining every food I want, but after my failed attempt at a salad last night.. not sure I am brave enough for more than popsicles and pedialyte

I will update about the doctor later

Good news/ bad news

Good news.. I think I am losing weight

Bad news... I have (unintentionally) thrown up 6 times already today. Twice before work, once at work, and 3 times since going home. This is my second day leaving early this week. Yesterday I started crying talking to the boss and was told to go home and rest. Today I admitted to being insanely nauseous and was told I could leave. That was shortly before I practically ran to the restroom to vomit the milk I had been drinking in an attempt to get some calories. Also after the boss telling me I look rested today.

Good news... I see my GP in 2 days and intend to beg for something for nausea. I also get to have labs done and can find out what state my liver is in.

Bad news... I found my ceramic knife and of course cut my wrist. Not a suicide attempt. I just always think it's a brilliant idea when drunk. I probably should have gotten it looked at, but it seems ok now

Good news... I think I made the manager so happy today by telling her I have plans with 3 friends within the next week. After recently updating her on all the depressing things in my life, I thought she deserved to hear something good. Seriously, she looked so happy when I told her.

I talked to my supervisor too to see if she thinks I am making progress. I have been trying so hard to be more social at work. I have been answering questions and also just trying to talk. She agreed that my work is better but I still need to work on confidence and stress management. But it sounded like I will be off the performance improvement plan soon.

In other news.. a strange thing happened today. I woke up to terrible noises. It sounded like the side of the building was being scraped off. At first it seemed to be near my living room. Then it seemed to be right outside my bedroom. I live on the 2nd floor, so when I looked outside I was not expecting to make eye contact with some guy on a ladder. I quickly shut the curtains because I was not fully clothed. I told this all to a coworker who found it quite funny.

Finally good/bad news. While doing some impulse online shopping (that's the bad part) for books for my friend's children, I decided to share a link with another friend. We posted back and forth on facebook and then I texted her to plan lunch next week. I also bought her a book. I honestly own too many kids books for someone without children. One is Jabberwocky a nonsense primer, which is a board book of the poem. It leaves out the more violent bits with the vorpal sword and chopping off the monster's head. But it has the frabjous day bit that is my favorite. Seriously, look up BabyLit books. The other one I bought is Frankenstein an anatomy primer, which I am quite curious about. So I bought Jabberwocky for 2 friends and already own a copy.. but the random shopping was inspiration to contact my friend. So 3 separate social plans. We will see if I survive.

Mental health day

So I don't really remember if I mentioned, but my boss (vice president of the company who I know from school) decided we should talk before my shift everyday. The explanation being that she doesn't miss anything going on with me (basically that I don't go crazy without her notice).

This is simultaneously very sweet and a horrible idea.  Sweet because she legitimately cares about me. Horrible because of what happened today.

I go to check in with her. I tell her I think I am doing much better at work hoping to avoid explaining anything else. She asked how things were going at home. I am not exactly an honest person, but when asked a direct question I will generally tell the truth. I ended up confessing that I haven't been taking my meds and that I am suicidal. We talked about it. I ended up saying I want to go home and go back to bed because I just couldn't handle work. She told me mondays are generally slow and to go home and she would tell my supervisor. I managed to stop crying enough to leave.

I told the other analyst I was going home because I wasn't feeling well. My supervisor wasn't around, so I told the manager I was leaving. I said the boss would explain and that I wasn't feeling well. From the expression on her face, I think she knows I meant mentally unwell. Honestly, I already looked like crap and with me crying, I probably looked bad. She seemed worried and asked if I had told the boss. I said yes.

As I was leaving, the boss said to go home and take my meds and to drive along the curve in the road. I had admitted to the idea of driving off the road at this particular place (it really is a scary curve) while talking to her. I assured her I would.

I did drive home safely, although I stopped to buy pedialyte and ice cream. I did take my meds but then drank a shot of vodka and vomited... so I don't know if that counts. I will take them tomorrow because I am expected to tell her I did. I have no idea what she said to anyone after I left, but I do generally trust her.

I just imagine this talking to her daily (which was her idea) may not go well. I am generally honest when asked a direct question. Lately, I am also prone to crying. So starting my shift crying in her office would be bad.

I don't know. I promised that I would work tomorrow. I really did need a day to sleep and not deal with things. I honestly barely have enough energy to write this. I am hardly keeping down food. I wake up frequently at night. I probably should not be at work. I am trying not to feel guilty. I bought a frappucino (not even a light!) because I can use the calories. Now I am going to take a nap.