Mental health day

So I don't really remember if I mentioned, but my boss (vice president of the company who I know from school) decided we should talk before my shift everyday. The explanation being that she doesn't miss anything going on with me (basically that I don't go crazy without her notice).

This is simultaneously very sweet and a horrible idea.  Sweet because she legitimately cares about me. Horrible because of what happened today.

I go to check in with her. I tell her I think I am doing much better at work hoping to avoid explaining anything else. She asked how things were going at home. I am not exactly an honest person, but when asked a direct question I will generally tell the truth. I ended up confessing that I haven't been taking my meds and that I am suicidal. We talked about it. I ended up saying I want to go home and go back to bed because I just couldn't handle work. She told me mondays are generally slow and to go home and she would tell my supervisor. I managed to stop crying enough to leave.

I told the other analyst I was going home because I wasn't feeling well. My supervisor wasn't around, so I told the manager I was leaving. I said the boss would explain and that I wasn't feeling well. From the expression on her face, I think she knows I meant mentally unwell. Honestly, I already looked like crap and with me crying, I probably looked bad. She seemed worried and asked if I had told the boss. I said yes.

As I was leaving, the boss said to go home and take my meds and to drive along the curve in the road. I had admitted to the idea of driving off the road at this particular place (it really is a scary curve) while talking to her. I assured her I would.

I did drive home safely, although I stopped to buy pedialyte and ice cream. I did take my meds but then drank a shot of vodka and vomited... so I don't know if that counts. I will take them tomorrow because I am expected to tell her I did. I have no idea what she said to anyone after I left, but I do generally trust her.

I just imagine this talking to her daily (which was her idea) may not go well. I am generally honest when asked a direct question. Lately, I am also prone to crying. So starting my shift crying in her office would be bad.

I don't know. I promised that I would work tomorrow. I really did need a day to sleep and not deal with things. I honestly barely have enough energy to write this. I am hardly keeping down food. I wake up frequently at night. I probably should not be at work. I am trying not to feel guilty. I bought a frappucino (not even a light!) because I can use the calories. Now I am going to take a nap.